Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Oh and a bit of david gray Babylon for the nights my choice. Gotta be up in less than five hrs but my circadian rhythm just hasn’t been playing the game for a long time. Music it is 🙂

[ecomama]

Music inspo

Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls just played on my playlist and when I heard the chorus, I thought of you both.

EM

[Richie01]

Hey C,

Just checking in to see how you are. Hows the weekend treating you?

Going with Andy Grammar Dont give up on me for today 😊

Always here if you feel like a chat.

Take care,

Richard

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie,

Great song choice 😊. Feeling all jumbled today. Yes, I know... it's ok to feel like that but I don't like it. Days like this are hard to make decisions, I can't even settle on today's music choices, it's all over the place. Im trying to do some writing to help sort out the thinking but its not helping today. Therapy week this week so I guess that makes sense??
I've told everyone that I'm not cooking or cleaning today, they can all help themselves. The past week have been exhausting, just need a day off.
I went for a walk down to the beach this morning whilst everyone was still tucked up in bed. I love that time of day. It was particularly pretty today to watch to sun rise over the hills. Trying to get in as many early walks as i can before winter really hits ❄.
How are you going anyway?
I was listening to Oasis last night on the treadmill - Magic Pie, what a blast from the past that one is.
C.

[Catie 08]

Hi Em, yes! Great song choice 😊

[Richie01]

Hey,

I sort of had a feeling you were having a bit of a rough time. As much as it’s ok to feel that way, it doesn’t make it go away and yes, it sucks!! Just don’t feel alone in those moments because if I know anything, I know how hard it is to bring others into that part of us. I’m already there, simple sentiment but an honest one, I’ll always be available if you need a friend. Sometimes just starting to talk is the most difficult part but if a chat here helps ease into that, then always do. 🙂

I totally agree, I love the mornings. When the worlds asleep, there really is a small window of calm to be found. Good for you, you need a day off sometimes, especially now. I know upcoming therapy has an impact on you, I’m proud of you. I know it’s difficult to willingly face situations that cause those feelings but look at you pushing through that’s real progress even if the part of you that beats yourself up about it all may make you think otherwise.

im fine I guess. Trying to organise my new life is taking a lot of energy but if I keep living on a hope, I’ll lose myself in the process. One day at a time hey 😉

i really hope you’ve been able to relax a bit with your night off, it’s important that you have some you time, even if it’s just a bath or a night where the kitchen isn’t on the schedule. Keep writing, you never know when your jumbled words will all come together.

augie March one crowded hour. Takes me back to when my ducks were in a row. That’s my soul medicine tonight 😊

Look after yourself C, I’m really glad we were lucky enough to find this place here.

Richard

[ecomama]

Glad you liked the music inspo: Iris.

I'm listening to Sounds of Then (This is Australia) by GANGgajang and it made me think of how much we TOIL when dealing with PTSD and triggering thoughts.

Hearing this song reminded me... the cane fields, out on the patio... so much to experience with the beaches.

EM

[Catie 08]

Hi, currently sitting on the beach watching the waves roll in. So peaceful. Not another sole in sight.

Thank you for your support and encouragement. A lifetime of retreating when things get tough is a hard lesson to shake. One thing I've realised is just what a good job I have done of packing all of the memories away, they just tend to escape when I'm stressed or don't feel in control. I've also realised that as much as I like to control everything, this stage of therapy is something that i cant do alone and i cant face it head on like i have with other things or I'm just going to make it worse.

Last night, just before i put the kids to bed they told me they has something to show me. They took me upstairs and showed me that they had run me a bubble bath 🥰. They are so sweet. It was lovley and certainly helped to full my cup.

Richie, I'm glad that you are remaining positive whilst you organise what your 'new life' will look like. Here if you need to chat about those struggles too.

Back to listening to the temper trap today - this isnt happiness rings true today.

C.

[Richie01]

Thats special, finding a moment of peace amidst the turmoil. Do you find that in those moments, those times where the clock stops and the waves roll in, that somehow a calm can come over the storm in your mind? I find that those moments are where i can make sense of my confusion and reflect in a different way, a much more positive way.

How amazing was that for your little people to do that for you, if thats not love, then what is. Im sure it was a little more special to have that bath knowing that they wanted you to take care of you 😊

We definitely have adapted ourselves so well to retreating behind our walls, to holding back the memories that we feel no good can come from. We have found a way to almost detach ourselves from them, become numb as such but only when the conditions allowed. The thought of those memories coming free can make them them real again, I guess we have learned to find a way to keep them in out of necessity but as you said and which i totally agree with, when we are stressed or dont feel in control, there is a real chance that they will come out because when you guard something like we do, it takes a huge toll. I think what has become abundantly clear to me over the last few months is that when we cant cope, we know we cant safely guard the secrets we hold onto so closely. We know when this is happening, we know what comes next and we start to do everything to prevent it. Our protectors come out to make sure our inner truths stay hidden and this is where we find ourselves in the most difficult battle of all. We cant do this alone C but its been our lives work to make sure others didnt know. Try forgetting how to drive, its second nature once you learn. We have been doing this, practicing and fine tuning holding this in for so much longer. Its a huge change that goes against our whole belief system but its a change for the right reason and its the right time for this to happen. It will just take time but we will both get there, im sure of that.

Dont say thanks for the support C, its mutual and thats all there is to it. We are different books telling the same story. Sharing the pages that can be hard to share, helping each other to fill in some blanks, reading aloud when the other is too tired to and finding a way to help get to the happy ending that we couldnt quite see coming.

I need to stop with the analogies hey... I must sound like a bit of a goose but im happy with that 😉.

Any plans for the rest of your day?

Richard

[Richie01]

Oh, almost forgot... Im really liking the temper trap again!! great suggestion.

Damien Rice is my music for the day. Guess its rainy day weather in more ways than one. 9 crimes, Cannonball and the blowers daughter. Been on my playlist for over 10 years and get a weekly mention, funny tho that now, in this place i find myself, those songs mean something on a completely different level 😪 oh well, still amazing songs.