Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

Feeling like I've been hit by a truck today but much calmer.

Not working today so I've got space to breath.

Thanks for the music inspo... I'll check them out. I'm currently listening to Tom Walker - leave a light on.

I might put them on Spotify for a listen whilst i hit the treadmill again...

C.

[ecomama]

Dear Catie and Richie

I cheer you guys on with any step and want to hug you when you're feeling down.

You don't have to share any of your private lives with anyone at work or anywhere else. This is YOUR life and you are the controller of this information. Feel fine about that, although I know the feeling of being in different ways with different audiences. It's exhausting allright.

I cannot start my own thread on this as a mum of my own children being victims. Not yet. I'm too fragile over it all.

You are my heroes.

Love EM

Music inspo is largely loud (ANGRY) but I absolutely love the Hang drum sets on YouTube.... like living in a faraway dream. Peaceful like my aim in life, to have peace.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie,

So I have to confess, korn was a bit heavy for me today so I defaulted back to imagine dragons and the rubans instead. Just managed that cuppa that you spoke of and yep your right, much better than a slap in the face 😉

Em, thanks for the music inspo, I tried to look it up but didn't have much luck?? Operator error perhaps? I am blond so I'll put it down to that 🤷‍♀️. Thanks for the vertial hug, I'll take every one I can at the moment x

[ecomama]

Hi Catie

Here are mountains of HUGS...…… HUGGGGGGGGGS lol.

I just put "Hang drum" into the YouTube search and I LOVE Hang Massive 2011. I can't believe I've been listening to Hang Drum music for this long lol.

It's very natural landscape inspired and beautiful meditation hang drum music is on there too.
Kids LOVE dancing to it.

EM

[Catie 08]

I found it Em, thanks, that's really cool. (Oh and thanks for the hugs 😊)

[Richie01]

Hey C,

yeah I have plenty of days where they are too heavy for me, you have to be in the mood for them. They are my change it up band during the day at work definitely not easy listening for all occasions 🙂
I always revert back to the dragons, think they have been my rock musically through all of this.
You know I’d bring you a cup of tea in your favourite cup ( I know you have one lol) and give you a big hug through the phone if I could. I wouldn’t say anything, Be an emotional punching bag for you and just let you let it out your way. That’s the hardest thing to find, someone who you won’t feel like your feelings will hurt, confuse or feel they need to offer you an answer or advice. Someone who wants to be there for no reason other than to let you find your way in those moments, to let you know that no matter what your feeling, it’s ok to feel it and even if it’s not quite right, at that moment, to you, it is. Because at our worst, we don’t need to see the way through, we need to see that as alone as we make ourselves feel, as isolated within our thoughts as we may become and as much as we act like we want to be alone, what we want is just to know that someone will let us be alone in our thoughts but be right there with us to catch us when the tide turns. It so hard to even consider putting someone through that so we don’t let them in, we hide it. You don’t have to hide it here. That might sound a bit full on but I know you understand what I mean by it. We don’t need a saviour, we don’t want to pull those close to us through the hell we feel, we just want someone to understand without the need to explain it and see the confusion, the pain, the fear. To be told nothings wrong, told everything but the truth yet see straight through that and stay right beside us. I know I put down way too many words here every day, I say things here I probably should keep to myself, I could be someone else reading this and say it’s strange that someone who has never met you would say that. I see all of that but I really don’t care, I genuinely just want the best for you C, no motive, what I hope to get from this is one day for you to post that you won’t post again, that you have found the last piece of your puzzle and the picture is complete. That this space here in some small way gave you company On the often cold and lonely road until you finished your journey.

hope you managed to get your ducks in a row today, if not, you’ll catch another one tomorrow 🙂

take care C

[Richie01]

Hey eco,

I was at my most fragile when I posted my first thread. I’ll be honest, that day i didn’t know if tomorrow existed. We all reach out, weather openly seeking support of optimistically throwing a line out and seeing what the result is. I didn’t expect to have formed a friendship here, Its strange, I’d have laughed at the idea a few months ago but don’t even feel strange in the slightest about acknowledging C as a friend and as unconventional as it is, I think the reality is that there is an understanding of the core emotions that we will never need to explain that makes that possible for us.
I won’t suggest you should post, ill just say you should type one, read it over carefully then read it again. If what you have typed is something you believe will help you towards finding a way through this for you (and in turn, your children), then press send. When the time is right, when the words are right, you’ll know.
the drums are an amazing instrument. I saw some guys play them at Byron a while ago, never knew that’s what they were called.

Hope your night has treated you well.

Richard.

[ecomama]

Hi Catie, so glad you liked the hang drum music, it really is beautiful and soothing, well some can be a bit discordant, but I love the set and band I mentioned above in that scenery from around the world - it's breathtaking. You are absolutely welcome to hugs 24/7.

Hey Richie, I'm rapt that you got to connect with Catie! It's a beautiful thing. I think it's perfectly understandable that you have. The same has happened with Mara, Sleepy21 and myself here.

Just when you think NO ONE could possibly understand anything about what you're feeling and how do you explain it anyway? It feels unbelievably impossible to put words to all the experiences etc. Then we so luckily found this forum and another person, then another for me. And we weep for their wounds but find comfort WITH these people. No one else can possibly know what it all feels like. We have shared life experiences.

We think we're alone. But I love these people and I extend all the love and healing possible for you both.

I know I can't possibly be alone in being the mum of abused children. But I'm also afraid. It wasn't what happened to me.

So thankyou Richie, you're right. When the time's ready, I'll know, I hope.

Thankyou

EM

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
I absolutely get it. These past few days I've been shutting myself away. I don't bother anyone outside of here with my thoughts, it's just the way it is.
Still punishing myself on the treadmill. I walked just over 10km today - im not sure where i thought I was going but the music in my ears was good and if nothing else i should sleep well tonight. I guess i feel if i can't reduce the meds ill find my own way to loose the weight.
I know you say not to worry but I seriously can't fit into my clothes and I'm getting a little too comfy wearing trackies for my liking.
😊 C.

[Richie01]

Hey,

I get it, Sehra put on some weight after she had the twins. I always said I didn’t care but I know no one could say anything to make her feel better about it. I think I sort of felt I was supporting her by trying to reassure her that to me she was beautiful and god she was but I didn’t quite respect that she didn’t feel that way. It’s funny how we look over all the choices we make and see what we couldn’t in hind sight. Do what you have to for you, if getting out of the tracksuit and back into your favourite jeans will make you feel better about you, then put on the music and walk to the end of the world. I’m doing the fitness thing too, never realised I had a bit of a self image issue until lately. It does make you feel better to look better, or at least the way you want to look 😊
I know too well what your saying C, we isolate and internalise. We don’t share this, it’s what we have always done, always had to do. You can share it here, how ever much or how ever little you want to. Whatever you feel like saying will always be met with respect and understanding. I know it’s not messenger or anything but it’s something right??

always here to help as much as I can. Try and have a good sleep, today’s a fresh page🙂

chat soon,

Richard