Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

So the parents came to visit yesterday. It was nice to see them but I certainly felt my defences were up. Thankfully I coped ok. I do tend to worry about the 'what if's' more that i perhaps need to.

I've been trying to do some exposure therapy on my own at home to see if I can. I know that when I go to therapy again it is something that will happen in the near future, I guess it's my way of trying to prepare myself but as much as I try, I just can't do it. I can start ok but shut down almost immediately. It's kind of frustrating because I know it will help if I can just do it.
From the list that I made up with the therapist of all of the things that make me anxious and things I avoid I have been able to tackle most of them head on but not this. I might start a thread under treatments and therapies to see if i can get some experiences from others that have used exposure therapy???
Maybe hearing from others about how they managed to do it will help?

[Richie01]

Hey C,

I think if thats something you feel is important, then use the strength you have had on this thread and go for it. The truth is, i know how hard it is for you to face bringing your family into this hidden life you have lived and thats what it is, we have three lives C, the one everyone sees, the one only those select few have seen and the one only we have known. The fears around how they will react, the what ifs and whats next questions that have been playing over and over in your mind. The emotions that those thoughts evoke are, for the lack of any word so ill quote 'nothing left to say', ''im drowning in the waters of my soul'' That song is my song right now, its like they have stolen the words from my deepest thoughts!!! I know we talk alot about music and moods, this song is my absolute essence in a way right down to the film clip. It just describes the struggle inside so correctly that you actually feel the emotion, not just imagine it.

Unfortunately i cant really offer any guidance or suggest anything that will help here, the way my family found out was not by my choice nor was i ready but you have that chance and im happy that it is a decision you will make for yourself. Just know that no matter what, youll always have support here if you need it.

Not to go into it too much but its the side of us no one else see. The guilt we feel for how they will feel knowing the truth, the shame we feel for everything that we have been through and have not been able to disclose. The lies we have to own up to, memories of their lives that will now change. No wonder this is unspoken, how do we tear down the fabric of the somewhat pleasant picture of our lives we have painted for the world to see and replace it with the adulterating truth of the life we have had to keep hidden??? Its daunting, im completely with you in that emotional upheaval. No matter what you decide to do, you know even if silently, im here in your corner. I know its not much, i know that mere words will never lighten the burden of what you carry but for me, knowing that the feelings i hold are not mine alone, that brings a sense of normality to this chaotic mess of emotions we endure and has given me strength in the knowledge that not only does someone truly understand this but more importantly, im not alone in the most challenging of emotions that i can never explain. You have been there for me so many times, know ill be here for you as well.

Take care C,

Richard

[Catie 08]

Richie, you are so right about living 3 different lives and it is so damn exhausting!!! Not only that but I feel that I different versions on me that come out to play depending on what is needed. For example, at my last therapy session sarcastic, cynical me arrived. I feel that she is my protector. She is a bit of a bad ass but I feel in control when she comes out to play. I sound like a total psycho but it's true, we defend and protect ourselves at all costs and I guess living with this for as long as we have we learn what is needed to get the job done. I sound completely crazy but I still think you'll understand.
C.

[Richie01]

Ha,

You never need to explain that side C. I have the same, I guess everyone puts on a face of one description or another depending on the situation. Most people do it to to impress, we do it to protect ourselves. I have a few different versions of me too. For a few years, the defensive at all costs side where where the repercussions dont come into the equation has just taken the reigns but in similar fashion to how you have explained, i too am pretty well taking a smash down the walls approach. I dont ever know if i could explain just how out of our control when that side of us comes out is. Like we go into auto pilot because its what we have always retreated to and that side of us just takes over. I know ill never have to explain that to you. I guess we have both finally had enough of it all for one reason or another and we both really want to see the results because its taken so so long to get here that we just want to see the end.

I read your new thread, im proud of you for reaching out there. I wont post on that one, thats a place for for you to find support with something i would only speculate about. Im probably too full on here anyway and it will be a nice break from my novels!!! sorry if i come across a bit excessive. Thats me assuming things again, i always imagine what others think, right or wrong, i always analyse everything i say and do, i always see the negatives, think people are assuming im strange or weird. Its just part of this, but even though i still do that on these threads, i dont get the anxiety here that it normally brings and thats a real comfort as i can be myself and i havnt been able to express myself for a really long time.

I think the protector is something we will never lose, They have always got us through hell for our whole life. Destructive, cynical or whatever other form the protector takes, they have always had our back. Its time to give them a bit of help i guess.....

You dont sound crazy either, you sound like the voice in my head lol. If anything, you saying that makes us both look sane!!!Its really nice to have that.

Hope your well C.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Thanks Richie,
Your not too full on and I love the way you write. Your right, it's nice to not have to think about what we say, I just feel that you'll get it. I will always come back to this or your thread - they feel like home base.
I hope that your return to work has been bearable.
C.

[Richie01]

Hey,

Yeah, getting back to work has been ok. First day or two were hard but for me, work has been the one place i can sort of separate myself from the past as impossible as that is to think possible. Like the people i really care about are not here so i cant fail them, if im having a bad day, they dont see it and i dont have to hide it. Its a bit different now with what i have disclosed to a few of my work mates but i think that being open and accepting of whats wrong has made it tat way.Four months ago it would not have been the case at all, id probably have quit if i knew that someone here knew. Oh well, i guess the important thing is that we have both reached the point where we are able to face the things we have been unable to fathom the idea of going through and that we want this. Its a massive change from the life we have lived!

Im glad you find a sense of comfort through these chats, as i always say, i forget its a forum when i write, its like im chatting with someone i have known my whole life. Its quite a shock to hear so many similarities, so many thoughts and experiences that mirror my own so closely. Its no surprise we both feel a real positive through this as when the hell have we ever known that someone just knew, that even if our guard was up, someone would get where we are at without any need for an explanation. Its a very emancipating friendship that allows us to just be us. So in a way, you know the me that no one else does, the me that could only ever be seen if you could get past the walls that i could never take down and could never be spoken of. I think it takes knowing the truth and all of its consequences to see it, to have lived it is the only way it can ever be understood. We dont want sympathy,we dont want someone to tell us its ok, they dont know how we have had to learn to live. We just want to feel ok about us, to feel free within our words,to have a space where who we are needs no explanation or hesitation. To have a bad day and just let it out, not have someone analyse it and suggest we need help. We know that. We have lived that life in every memory we have. Thats why this works, its the place where what we hide doesnt need to be hidden.

How are you feeling today anyway and how has work been for you? Any inspirational music suggestions? Augie March and You am I is on my playlist. Need a change of pace.

Have a good day C.

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
Well I'm glad that you didn't quit your job, but I get it. Hell, I've done it. Not this time though. We need to make things right the best way we can (plus we need the money to pay for therapy ).
Feeling super low today, I feel like I've got weights tied to my arms and legs and I'm being pulled under water. I looked at my meds last night and it took everything in me to not double the dose (I had had a drink by this time so not a good combo) Thinking about the exposure therapy stired me up a fair bit, lots of flashbacks. Feeling really flat. Will punish myself on the treadmill later. I wish i had someone here to slap me a couple of times to snap out of it. It's so exhausting. Work is hectic. I spend most of the day on the phone to members. Would much prefer to be hiding away today but, those therapy bills don't pay themselves.
C.

[Catie 08]

Sorry, music inspo... Hold me back The Rubans

[Richie01]

Yep, the bills sure keep coming, In a way it’s one of the few physical ways that we pay for what happened to us. Most of it is paid for with things no one can ever see. But if work means progress, then it’ll keep us working, keep the therapy on track, motivate us and that’s important.

You don’t need a slap in the face, just a cup of tea, a hug and a nice long bath. These days are tough, I know better than to say tomorrow will be easier but it will definitely not be today. God your in the same boat I’m in!! So hard on ourselves, guess we always have been. For me, the failure to reach my own expectations takes away from what I’ve actually achieved.... sound familiar 😉
don’t punish yourself C, love yourself. Love how strong you are even if for right now you just have to take my word on that. I see it in you C, i see a strength that will endure this. One day at a time is a good motto to stick to yet I know so well that one breath at a time is all of the focus and strength we are able to hold. Some days were just going to suck, weather the stars were not aligned or whatever the cause, some days will be hard for no reason and others will be for every reason. The one thing that is constant is that you are the reason that they are worth getting through. I see in your words such a drive to move forward yet as we always do, we analyse and over analyse every action we take. We assume that we have not done enough, that we didn’t really give it our all. We did C, we give it everything we can and then some. Failure isn’t what we didn’t achieve today, it’s what we didn’t achieve today and give up on. You won’t give up, I won’t give up, we won’t let each other give up and you know what that does? It guarantees we won’t fail. Just believe that C, that as tough as the day is, The fact that we don’t give up on tomorrow means we have moved forward, even if it is just one breath at a time.
I hope you can relax a little, that you look at your meds tomorrow and give yourself a pat on the back for not taking the extra one. That you see that as you standing up against the struggle that rages within you instead of stepping down. Your amazing C, nothing will make me think you are anything less.

look forward to hearing about tomorrow and please, take the time to remember something to smile about.

take care C.
richard

[Richie01]

Oh and music for the day....

Try a little korn - coming undone for a bit of a motivated look at the mind or - Alone i break if you are something a little more to the point. Its worth a read into the whole Jonathan Davis story if ever you feel like a bit of affirmation about things. I see the band in a new light and actually look at the songs with real respect after seeing his story and seeing how he has used music to express his pain, i used to see them as mainstream. Its funny how we can change our whole perception on a band and what they stand for once we see past the generic rock grunge image and realise that their lyrics are who they are.

I was never a big Korn fan growing up but in true late bloomer fassion, they are now right up there.

Have a great day C.