Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Wow, that's a long way to get to work!
Yes, my therapist said it was important too but I didn't realise how important until recently. It really feels like its one of the things standing between where I am and where I want to be but when it's so well ingrained it's a hard one to shift. Yes, compliments are hard to take, they make me feel so uncomfortable.
Years of having to live up to impossible standards, the hardest thing now is to try and not impose the same standards onto the kids!
Today's music inspo
Mike and the mechanics - the living years
Yep, got my bath, today was a good day 😊
C.

[Catie 08]

OMG anxiety is bad today. I thought after such a good day yesterday that I would e ok today - apparently not. Only day 2 of being back on the higher dose so I know I need to give it time but agghhh I hate this!!!

[Richie01]

Hang in there C. It takes time just remember one day after another. I know how hard it can all be. Trust me, I’m not just saying that, I know our triggers and emotions take on their own forms but at the heart of it all, the feelings are the same. Take your time C, give yourSelf a chance to get back there. I know it’s hard, it bloody sucks in every way imaginable to be honest but you’ll get there. Imagine me trying to work out how to hold a hundred tennis balls under water 😉 that’ll give you an image to shake your head at lol.
just remember to breathe, remember everything wonderful you have in your life, your lucky to have that and your worth having that. Smile about who you are, I’ve never met you but I know your an amazing person. I’m not going to say it’ll all be better tomorrow but it will get better, think of yesterday, this is part of the journey to making days like yesterday become your every day.
id love to offer you something more than words from a stranger but sometimes those shared words from someone with no agenda, no cause other than genuine good will towards us can make a difference, I know that they have for me.
You deserve to be happy every day C, the weight of our worlds is a heavy one and not one that can be supported alone, we did it for so long. Now is the time to share it, now we are sharing it!!!! Think back but don’t focus too hard about before you had told anyone... that life is no more, we are getting to learn who we are in the lives that evolved with us, it’s a lot to take in, it’s not always easy but god it’s worth it, we are worth every day, you are worth every moment. C, these moments will pass, you’ll look back soon and embrace the times it was hard because they were the road to happiness 🙂

Take care and don’t ever hesitate to post ok.

[ecomama]

Hey Catie (and a wave to Richie and Sleepy)

Just wanted to pop in and tell you that you're my champions.

I really respect all the decisions you're all taking for your MH, even avoiding things that are too confronting.
That is so okay.
I'm so glad you've found each other.

My youngest daughter disclosed to Courts a few years ago. I got her a SA Counsellor for children, this was tough going - evidence gathering.
Now she's with a very sweet psych but she is avoiding the topic. That's fine as she finds it almost impossible to trust anyone outside me and her siblings.
She's been a very closed book talking with me about and I don't ever push her, she has mentioned a few things and knows I'm here if she ever needs me. I tried to hide my devastation but it was probably very obvious. My Counsellor said to be more honest with my feelings and this has brought some teary times for us both.

I really think I need to start a thread and not barge in on yours Catie.

Please know that I really appreciate you and the others sharing here as I am at a loss how to support my baby girl.

I really Pray for the most wonderful recoveries for all of you.

Much love EM

[ecomama]

The music I like at the moment is The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana and Silverchair. xxxx

[Catie 08]

Hi Ecomama,
Nice to hear from you again (and great music inspo - thanks). It's always nice to hear a different perspective. I know I've said it before but just by being there for your baby you are giving her more than most of us have xx

Hay Richie,
Its Friday!!! Just have to get to 3pm and the weekend is mine. Did you know that we have been chatting for a month now. Only a month! It feels like I've known you for years. I said to my husband that being part of this community has been just as helpful as doing therapy (both necessary and having their own benefits) I feel so incredibly lucky to have stumbled across your thread and to have found a true friend that gets what this life is and who I get in return.
My parents called last night and said they are coming to visit over the weekend. I think they are excited to be let out after iso. I, on the other hand, feel that so much has changed, I feel like the walls I had up before to protect myself have just been fortified. I could live in iso forever. I feel that iso has given me the chance to get used to the "new" me and it might be a bit of a shock to others when they see that I'm now pitting me first and that I'm less likely to put up with all the bullshit from others. I feel like i have to protect all of the good work ive done. I guess time will tell - watch this space.
I was on the running machine last night (walking - i dont run unless im.being chased!!) listening to my music. I noticed how much my playlist has changed. There is a lot of Richie inspo there now 😊. I was listening to all of the lyrics and when you think about it, each song is someone's story... there are a lot of hurt and damaged people in the world. I wish I had the ability to put my story into music, it's such a powerful way to express yourself.
I had better start work for the day, the sooner I start the sooner I finish. How was your first day back??
C.

[Richie01]

Hey ecomama,

Im with C on this, you being there is really something that will make a difference. Ill be honest and say that you knowing will present its own difficulties but it will take away the pain of what needing to explain it down the track causes. Just do what you are doing, be there for her when she needs you, i cant stress enough that it has to be when she needs it tho. When others bring it up, it makes us feel vulnerable, guilty and pressured in ways i cant really express. Avoiding the topic for her is important until she is ready, we avoid what we cant cope with and yes, one day she wont avoid it but that will be in her time. I really do wish you both all the best, its a hard road, no denying it but it gets easier with time.

Take care and definitely open up your own forum, its been a great help to me having my own one, gives you a chance to open up knowing its your story if that makes sense.

Richard

[Richie01]

Hey C,

Wow, think we have just shared so much of what we never do in such a short time. I agree that its been amazingly beneficial. It is not a one sided thing at all and i feel like we have definitely found a friendship that neither of us expected. Its a positive i never saw coming.

How do you think you will go on the weekend? I know what you mean about the ISO stuff. In a way, i am seeing that every time i go to work, it is like an ISO for me and always has been. I think facing normal life when i get home just brings back so many things i havnt had to face while ive been away. Its like at work, people know exactly what i want them to know, im not false but rather i can control the environment and push aside the things that i struggle with or at least face what i needed to when i was ready, not faced with situations where i was caught off guard. I need to change that, its been great but i never realised the impact of going home had on me, like i was afraid of facing the truth, going home to normal life meant i had to face my demons when i wasn't ready and i simply couldn't, all i could do was push everyone away so they never saw through my wall. As much as i loved home, loved my life with my family at home, i could never forget what i was walking into and knowing i would have to be alone through it. I have so much regret about not being strong enough to talk, i always wanted to but i know you understand why i couldn't and that sometimes we don't see just how much focus we put onto hiding the truth that we dont see the damage we may be causing by doing that. Im not saying our thoughts are the same but i can see how you have your zone where you manage, just as i do and then when that changes, it brings challenges that can be more than daunting....

Its hard to explain this to other people, how something so long ago is still so present.

You just be who you want to be this weekend, say what you want, act how you want. Dont feel you have to live up to an expectation like you have for so long, this is your life, your rules and you know what, if our conversations have made one thing clear beyond words to me, its that you have grown into a woman that exceeded any expectation that was ever placed on you. I mean that.

Next to me- Imagine dragons. Listen to those lyrics, i know, i know, its almost sappy but its me.. That song i have never shared with Sehra, but that song was my personal song for her. Now shes not there... God songs can just sum it up.

Take care C.

[Catie 08]

Totally fuming 🤬 so angry to hear the news about the child sex abuse ring that was just busted. Angry to think of those defenceless little kids being subjected to such horrors. They might have caught the basterds but this won't just stop for the kids, they now have to live with it for the rest of their lives, they didn't choose this.
🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
I just hope that the kids and their family's get the support that the need and that they lock the animals who did this up so they never see the light of day again. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

[Richie01]

I’m at a loss for words reading about that. Two months ago I would have been angry about it, now it brings out a side of me I have been fighting off for a long time. Those boys were my age when it happened to me. Christ, in thirty years they will be me. God I hope they get the care they need. I can see their lives through my own. People ask why we are so protective of our children, why when we lose sight of them at the park for a moment, our heart races and we break out in a sweat. How can they ask that after reading that kind of news!!! I think people just like the idea that it’s not their life, they feel for the situation but not the person. I think for most people it’s easier that way, I think that’s why I don’t discuss it, why I feel people are better to see my anger than my hurt. It’s a crap life, god I hope those children can overcome this horrific ordeal and not grow into what I did.
I really hope you can find a place where the anger over this subsides and calm your mind. Easier said than done hey. Some people can see that and switch off, I see that and every sense switches on, like I’m on edge. Hope your ok C, if it rocks you like it does me to hear those things, I know it doesn’t pass easily.
Im here if you need a chat, doubt I’ll sleep tonight.
Richard