Scared mum of teen

[arcticbutterfly]

Not sure if I am allowed here as it is not about me, but my daughter. 
she is 13 and has recently plummeted into a deep darkness. She had low points earlier in the year but this time is much worse. She is talking about life not being worth living and she started self harming. 

We are seeking professional help but I am at such a loss about how to help her. Hoping to gain some insight here. Thank you!

[arcticbutterfly]

My 13 yr old has depression. She is seeing a psychologist for it but it’s early days. 
I am struggling to cope with the constant “what did I do to cause this” voice in my head and I have connected with a parent coaching service for it. 
But my question here is more specific. Do I push her or not?

We are homeschoolers, unschoolers actually (totally child led) so she has no pressures to do anything at any time. This has worked well since she left school 3 years ago as she has had time to connect with her interests (caring for pets, art, sustainable living)and pursue them. We also used to go on lots of excursions and outings she enjoyed. But now her world is getting smaller and smaller as she lacks interests and motivation to pursue them. She has also become exercise phobic and refuses to move in just about any way which I am convinced is also worsening her mental health. 
So my question is: do I continue to let her do what she wants even if I can see it is not helping her or do I put my foot down and ‘force’ her to do a few things like done sport or other things that require done responsibility? The latter would be my instinct but she is very different from me so I am not really sure if a softer hand might be better for her.

Would appreciate some insight from others that may have been in a similar situation.

[Croix]

Dear Arcticbutterfly~

It is not an easy problem ot sort out as I'm sure you would be worried the depression is getting  worse and any action you might take will allow the self-harm to gain strenght.

You have painted a picture which seems to be your daughter is not pressed to do anything, and like you I'm not sure that is the best course.

The two suggestions I have are firstly to talk it over wiht her psychologist and get their views (you may need your daughter's permission, even though young, to let her feel she can have some  control and privacy).

The other suggestion is not to press for palatable matters you tihnk she might enjoy but to take the  tack that you need practical help, from vacuuming to washing up, choosing shopping with meals in mind and even some cooking. If you can get help it may increase her self esteem as well as assisting you

What do you think?

Croix

[arcticbutterfly]

thanks! She actually already does some of that. She loves cooking and she does quite a bit of that and she does washing for pocket $$.

I have managed to get a parent only appointment before Christmas with her psychologist (with my daughter’s consent). What are the rules about compulsory reporting and self harm? If I mention it will the psychologist need to report it?

thanks!

[therising]

Hi arcticbutterfly

First, sorry for missing your last post to me. Not sure what happened there. I'm so glad your daughter was able to feel some sense of revelation and relief. Definitely and empowering feeling ('I'm not broken, I just don't know how to manage some of my abilities yet'). While my son awaits ATAR results next week, he acknowledges some of his abilities are what made VCE such a huge struggle. To have a truly brilliant imagination, for example, is an amazing gift/ability, yet to not have mastered staying out of it can create major focus issues.

I've found the word 'until' plays a key role in my kids' development and needs. My daughter never felt the need to clean her room until she found a partner she truly loves who thrives best in a clean environment. My son never felt the need to focus all that much until focus became a key requirement for passing year 12. While my son used to play soccer when he was younger and my daughter used to participate in dancing and dance concerts for years, they didn't feel the need to return to physical activity until they felt a lack of the kind of energy these things used to give them. I've found there's kind of an illusion factor when it comes to raising my kids. While I can be under the illusion everything seems to be going fine, it's only going fine until... Then it's like 'How the heck did I not see the lead up to this?'. The 'until' factor remains a thing throughout the whole of our life. We never felt the need for an extensive education when it comes to raising kids until we felt that need.

I suppose the question becomes 'What are your daughter's needs that she's now feeling?'. What needs now need to be met for her and you? Was having a bit of a Google before and was wondering whether something like 'Peaceful Kids - Mindfulness and Positive Psychology Program' might suit the 2 of you. I know nothing about it, just found it online purely as an example when it comes to guidance and skill development in the way forward. I think sometimes it can be about finding others who can strongly relate. While my son relates best to open minded people with a brilliant imagination, who love to wonder and are somewhat introverted (bit like his mother😊), I can recall how well I related to a group of women I met in postnatal depression group therapy after my son was born. Finding no one who can relate is what can bring about the greatest struggle.

[smallwolf]

It's clear how much you care. As for pushing her, I would take a middle ground approach. I know what you meant (I think, re forcing), so gently encourage activities while giving her agency. From my own experience I am also aware that after you start to do something you like(d) it can be enjoyable for those moments ...

Offer shorter bursts of movement meant to uplift her mood - a walk with the pets or fun music dance session versus rigid exercise demands. You also mentioned cooking as well, that can be a good one as well.

And you know her best. If taking complete control backfires by worsening withdrawal, stay attentive and meet her where she's at now, while keeping communication open (-  something I "had" to so with dad) and that can also be hard and sometimes frustrating. No one approach guarantees results when depression hits. But radical gentleness, and continually adapting support to her needs, can help lift the fog in time. You're doing a thoughtful job in a tough season - trust your instincts while also allowing experts to guide. There is hope ahead, even if might not seem that way now...

[arcticbutterfly]

Thank you! This advice is very helpful. 
Since my posts she had 2 better days. First she agreed to go to the pool with her sister then to a small disco event with other kids her age. There she connected with a few friends old and new and she perked up a bit. Then last night we became the unexpected carers of an orphaned litter of bunnies and today she has been so focused and motivated with that. She actually said she was having a good day. I think this has consolidated in my mind and gets that what she needs is more movement, more friends and a purpose in life. Guess research always told us that but it’s good yo have a reminder with ourselves. I have tried to gently point that out to get and hopefully that will help us do better in the future. 

[smallwolf]

this might sound cliché, and we need to remember that we have the ride the waves. And when something similar happens next time that brings us down.... remember that we got through it the last time. That won't make the  pain disappear but ...

Lastly and this is something that I (as a 50+ year old only learnt recently, is there are no good thoughts or bad thoughts/feelings. It is just how we respond that makes the difference. Finally, we can also learn from each experience and use that information for next time. 

Good luck to both of you...

[TBear5879]

Hi arcticbutterfly I'm 12 and I've done self-harm and I'm suicidal but helping other people always makes me feel better so I thought I would at least try and help.

I'm suicidal but I always feel like I don't have a reason to be sad so often when my parents ask me what's wrong I feel stressed and just say something like "I'm just tired" or "I'm fine." So if they say something like that you could try asking something like "Do you want to write a note or text me. It's also completely okay if you don't know what's going on." and always remind them that you hear for them that doesn't have to be in words it could be something like a cuddle or saying something like I'm going to the supermarket do you need anything. It's always just the little gestures that help.

Always respecting their space and just letting them relax for a bit. for some people solizing helps and makes you feel better but it's so unmotivating to get out of the house so saying something like " We're going to the park you wanna bring some drawing or book or something that they enjoy. For me, I enjoy just relaxing by myself and just chilling.

I often get asked to do a lot of jobs their always little but just the smallest things can turn my day around so saying hey I've got a couple of things that need doing do you wanna choose one? I personally think is better then. can you wash the dishes? always being patient and calm is important.

Some things that have changed because I feel like this are:

• Everything is unmotivating
• I'm always tired
• I rely on music
• I don't trust many people anymore
• I feel sad a lot
• I struggle to focus
• nothing I used to love is fun anymore
• I generally do things really slowly
• I don't talk much

so being patient and understanding is really important.

don't forget about yourself always check in and make sure that you okay to. If you really want to help her you also need to take time for yourself and make sure you're okay. Things will get better.

[arcticbutterfly]

Dear @TBear5879,

I sure hope writing this post helped you because it certainly helped me so much! I am so sorry you are feeling that way, but I do appreciate you taking the time to share and to help me shed some light on how my teen is feeling. 

you sound like such a compassionate thoughtful person! Thank you for your advice, I will certainly follow it. I like how you said to give her space and how the little things count. Or to give her choice of things to do. I think you are right, having choice is good and so is having something useful to do. I recently suggested she tried babysitting for a bit of pocket $$ and to appeal to her caring nature. She actually got really excited about that and she starts later this week. I hope it goes well.

And thanks for the reminder to look after myself. You are right and I am trying. 

I wish you all the best and I do hope you find your way. Like my daughter, you sound kind and insightful and the world definitely needs more people like you!! 

[TBear5879]

Thank you so much Articbutterfly. I'm so glad I could help. Babysitting sounds like heaps of fun I've wanted to babysit for a while now. I'm glad to hear you're looking after yourself and that your daughter has found something she'll enjoy. You really made me smile you are so kind.

From TBear5879.