Ending it after an argument

[Bluesky1234]

I always have thoughts of suicide after I argue with my husband. We are both very sensitive and so arguments happen often. They escalate quickly and every time I just feel like killing myself almost like a form of revenge. To show him how lost he would be without me, what kind of life he would have without me, how he would suffer without me.  The feeling is so strong with every argument that I feel like one day I will go ahead with it. What always stops me is the kids. I can't do it to them and leave them motherless.  I tried therapy, meditation, creatrix, everything...but nothing has really been a long lasting help. I hate this cycle. Just wondering if others feel the same way.  Thanks for listening 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

A serious argument has our sensitive world crashing down on us, our stability, our foundation at risk bring panic and fear- any wonder we end up blaming our partner but most times blaming isn't realistic and revenge is the result of anger, a place to channel it.

The saying goes "prevention is better than cure". So, years ago I formulated a system to defuse arguments before they become out of control.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

If you both pledged to stick by that system you'll find it helpful. So-

• Time out
• Don't leave the property 
• Allow that time out
• The first person that has calmed down offers the other a drink (within the hour)
• If refused it means that person is still not ready, then when they are ready then they offer the drink
• Try to remain calm during the chat and admit any personal errors at this time

Did you know up to 20% of all people have HSP? They are "highly sensitive people".

Sensitive people have more empathy, feelings, kindness, care and artistic flair, I'm a poet and I'd be lost without it. So see your sensitive side as mainly positive.

Couples counselling would be very beneficial to both of you.

I hope that helps. Do you think it has?

TonyWK 

[Bluesky1234]

Thank you so much for responding. It's been a recurring issue for us and it's hard to overcome as something so small can trigger either of us.  Thanks for your empathy and great tips, I will definitely try to apply next time it happens! 

[smallwolf]

in addition to the tips from from white knight, if I could add my own suggestion(s) ... it is close to 'time out" idea from white knight, but when you feel things are getting heated ...

just walk out of the room you are in. You might want to could to 10 slowly with deep breaths as well.  The conversation can wait until another time. Your husband might want to do the same as well. 

what causes a conversation to get the argument? (rheteorical question)

my second thought is about the discussion itself? Do you use "I" based language or "You" based.

and lastly, keep to conversation on the matter at hand. In my experience, arguments starts when the someone say something like "well you don't ..." which is off-topic, but the other person is also defensive. 

anyways... hope some of this help.

[therising]

Hi Bluesky1234

Such a heartbreaking situation for you to be facing. I feel so much for you as you try your hardest to make sense of it all while also working to find strategies for managing such triggering experiences.

With Tony mentioning the 'HSP' factor, I'm a gal who can personally relate to that side of things and while also having been married to the same guy of over 20 years, there have been times where I've felt the depressing nature of the relationship over the years and a lot of the mixed emotions that can come with that. One of the things that I found to make a difference involved developing the ability to feel more accurately. What I mean by that is...just say our partner's nature is depressing or angering at times, it's not enough to say 'I'm feeling incredibly sad' or 'I'm feeling angry'. Those feelings can head a long list of far more specific emotions. If emotion for a HSP can be defined as 'energy in motion', the question becomes 'What is that energy I'm sensing/feeling in motion, within me?'. For a sensitive person, it becomes about getting a better sense of exactly what we're feeling or you could even say it's about coming to our senses more. To offer an example, I could simply say 'I'm sad and even depressed at times when it comes to the arguments I have with my husband and I'm angry' or, with a more precise sense of things, 'I can sense/feel a soul destroying level of dismissiveness from him that enrages me'. Going even more into it, I could ask 'Where do I sense that?' and the answer may be 'In my chest, in my throat and through my nervous system, which can equate to 'heartbreak', 'issues with self expression' and 'raw nerves being hit'. So, at the end of the day, what started off as 'I feel sadness and anger' has become 'I can feel heartbreak through dismissiveness and I want him to feel the heartbreak that I, myself, feel. I want to hit every raw nerve in him so that he knows how that feels'. If someone deeply cares for us, the most intense form of heartbreak and stress we could give to them is the removal of our own existence from their life.

I'm hoping the following angle may help make some difference to you. Whenever I'm triggered, I can expect a facet of myself to be triggered to life. Could be an intolerant facet (I refer to as 'the intolerant cow in me'😁🐄) or a resentful one that likes to lead me to imagine how I could teach certain people a lesson or a facet that leads me to become conscious of everything that's depressing or stressful and the list goes on. Each has a different feel and dialogue to it. So, the questions at times become 'Which facet of myself is in play?' and 'Which part of myself do I actually need to channel or bring to life, in order to manage?'. A hard thing to manage when you're in the thick of overwhelming emotion. To be in 2 minds is an interesting experience, to be experiencing 2 facets at once. While my intolerant facet can come into play, which can resemble a ranting maniac on very rare occasions, it can be primed to 'tell it how it is' and burn a bridge in the process. At the same time, my inner sage can be dictating 'Breathe, you just need to breathe' or it can completely shift my focus towards my kids (something you mention). Shifting 100% focus to our kids or 'meditating on our intense love for our children' can be enough at times to convince our intolerant facet to put the flame thrower down, regarding that bridge it can be so determined to burn.