How do you break old habits with suicide

[Single mum]

Hi, I will keep this as brief as I can and hopefully it will make sence.

I've been diagnosed with cptsd from being through childhood truama, sexual abuse, domestic violence. 

Everytime ibecome i overwhelmed with painful emotions I turn to self halm or suicide.

I found I was always judged my Ed staff, ambulance staff, police, 

It makes it hard to reach out. Once I push ( not physically) my children away I have a tendency to jump in my car and self halm. If no relieve I then tempt suicide .

I'm sitting here the last 2 days with strong urges, thoughts popping up randomly.

I would love for this pain to be gone for good. But then my kids would feel pain. 

Living in this torture is horriable. 

I feel scared ever thought that impulse will take over and I will act.

I feel judgement from medical professionals,  embarrassed,  ashamed and disappointed that I can't just make it stop. 

1. I'm looking for hope and inspiration to stop this hard feeling that won't go away and not act  

[Sophie_M]

Hi Single mum,

Thank you for finding the strength and courage to post in our forums. We have a wonderfully caring and supportive community.

We can hear you've had moments of thinking about suicide. If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important to take immediate steps to keep safe. Lifeline offer crisis support, available 24/7 on 13 11 14, or online: https://www.lifeline.org.au/  

If you’d prefer to reach out to us, we’re on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/  

If there’s ever an immediate risk of harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).  
 
We’d also recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning  

You can even call Lifeline and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.  

Thanks again for sharing. We hope you'll hear back from our community in response to your post sometime today and that there's some comfort in that for you.  

Kind regards,   

Sophie_M
 

[therising]

Hi Single mum

I wish there was something I could say that'd make all the difference to you. I wish there was something I could say that would be mind blowing in some way, blowing your mind wide open so that you could let out all the things that lead you so suffer so much (letting out all the memories so as to leave you in peace, all the pain so as to leave you in ease and all of everything else so as to free you from the suffering you feel so intensely and so deeply).

Shame is a truly horrible and torturous thing. Took me years to reach the conclusion that shame is some horrible social construct that's designed to cause nothing other than sufferance. It's purpose is sufferance. So, as long as we feel it, we will suffer (that's its nature). You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Some of the hardest workers in life are those who work so intensely day in and day out to manage their mental health and there is no shame in that. If fighting to stay alive means calling on other people (including mental health professionals, hospital staff, paramedics etc) that is nothing to feel ashamed about, fighting to stay alive. As a 53yo gal who ended up in hospital in my late 20s, due to depression, I know that feeling of shame. In hindsight, I can see my sense of shame was never managed by those around me in the ways it should be managed. I felt the judgement of staff, the judgement of the other patients in the emergency ward and even the psychologist who came to speak with me (for all around to hear) but no one said 'You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about regarding not being able to cope with one of the hardest and most depressing days of your life'.

It is not your fault that no one has ever offered you access to the kind of person or people who can make all the difference to you. It's not your fault no one has given you all the reasons for why you suffer, beyond the obvious ones. It's not your fault no one has led you to feel any differently, while helping you develop skills in how to feel (in ways you can relate to). It's not your fault when it came to so much that has led you to suffer. So many of the faults belong to the systems and people that let you down, systems that should be better structured and people who should be of greater guidance. So many of the faults belong to those whose weaknesses and lack of self control have led you to suffer so much. There is incredible strength in a person who lives through all that, an incredible strength that can often go unrecognised. There is no shame in being so strong yet so incredibly exhausted.