Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

[Junior1962]

Hi everyone 

I wanted to post something positive about how recovery from being suicidal can happen. 
I am a first timer. I’ve had episodes of depression but don’t usually go deep enough to be suicidal. My heart goes out to all of you and your mental health struggles. Bipolar runs in my family. Mum was a hospital admission last year and sadly, is now a resident in aged care. My 32 yr old son has autism and bipolar 2. 
My story is one of a battle with depression while supporting Mum (My older brother and I worked together) in hospital and Dad - who has Alzheimers- at home. Both are in their 80s. I was suicidal a year ago and made plans - but had a powerful spiritual experience and didn’t follow through. My naturopath helped me to sort the many Imbalances in my body and I recovered - for a time. 
Dad followed Mum into care in January and my brother and I sold their house. I then found myself being drawn into being a caregiver for Mum when I was already exhausted and struggling. Suicidal thoughts crept in but I pushed them away. I just tried to keep going - until I couldn’t. 
One sleepless night, I attempted …..

My husband took me to the ED… I was offered mental health support and I accepted. I was in a daze. This was 4 months ago. I was diagnosed with caregiver burnout.
I had five sessions with a psychologist, two with a psychiatrist- all from Monash Health and Medicare funded - and found myself doing a lot better. I’m now seeing a private psychologist and have improved even further. 
My son is almost my fully transitioned into supported accommodation and I am learning to deal with the things that wore me down. 
Very few people know what I did. I haven’t felt ready to tell them. But my whole outlook has changed. Getting help and being prepared to face my demons is what has changed me. I’m not good at asking for help. I’m better at helping others. I’m actually working on that in therapy. 
My message to you all is,- don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to open up and let people in. They can’t help you if they don’t know you are in pain. If you don’t like the health professional you are seeing, ask to see someone else. A good relationship with that person is paramount. Therapy won’t work if you don’t trust them. 
Most of all, trust that you have it in yourself to overcome this. Your life IS worth living. People DO care. You just have to let them in. 

[Junior1962]

You are an amazing person. When I read what you have experienced and what you are learning to do, I see someone who has come a long way.

We both know what it’s like to struggle with powerful grief. One thing I used to say to callers when I was volunteering at Griefline is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is also no time frame. There are patterns and theories. At base grief is adaptive and a process. We need to go through it so we can find peace. It’s a lot harder when there are multiple reasons to grieve. It is also a lot more than feelings. It can affect our sleep, our behaviours and how we think. Therapy helped with my IVF stuff but it took years for me to fully understand the visual symbols with which my psyche presented me during those years. I eventually wrote a piece called the Gift Box of my Psyche. Trauma theory helped me to understand what had happened to me and eventually set me free. 

You are doing really well. Sometimes it’s good to take the time to think about how far we have come. 

My overall story has metaphysical components. I am, to some degree, clairsentient. I sense energies - from time to time. I believe I’ve had a past life and that many of my current life issues stem from that. I’m working with the psychodynamic stuff but also looking at how to free myself of bad karma. I’ve done yoga in the past and loved it. I now need to bring meditation into my every day life to work more on this. 

I feel that it’s time for me to work on this deeper stuff. 

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you. I think you are amazing with the care you’ve given others, getting through the things you’ve been through and working on your healing journey.

Clairsentience is really interesting and something I’ve wondered about myself. I’ve had a few experiences that felt clairsentient. I’ve picked up when something was happening to the health of a relative on the other side of Australia when I technically had no way of actually knowing. I just felt it in my body and received the info later that day from another family member about what had happened. It’s just an intuitive feeling that’s come upon me a few times now.

It’s great you are exploring these different aspects of yourself. It makes sense to explore where your intuition takes you next.

I’ve read a bit about the role of epigenetics and inter-generational trauma. Research is showing we do carry the past in our gene expression. So if a particular gene is expressed say in a grandparent as the result of trauma it can carry through to us. The genes themselves don’t change but whether they’re expressed or not does. I’m really interested in healing through epigenetics as our environment and how we live can actually shape that gene expression. I feel like it’s another aspect of healing ancestral trauma.

Meditation can be wonderful for healing. I kind of meditate at my favourite place by the ocean where it feels safe to feel and release grief. Then I have another place where I do gratitude meditation, because that’s what that location leads me to feel. And another place where I feel I connect with intuition. All are places in nature next to water.

All the best with your healing practices and explorations 🙏

[Junior1962]

You have also given a great deal of yourself to others. Have you heard of the well concept? If we keep drawing from the well, without replenishing it, it runs dry. I have no doubt that is where my caregiver burnout came from. Like so many others, I lost my support systems during the lockdowns and, of course, there were the events of last year with my parents. It has definitely changed me, I was wondering whether, now that my son has left home, I should pursue counselling. Just the other day someone was trying to talk me into doing a masters. On one level I would love to do a masters, even if to prove to myself that I can do it, but when I thought about actually doing counselling - I realised that I don’t want to. Not anymore. I don’t want to care for others any more. I guess that is the burnout. 

On the other hand, I’d still like to use what I have learned to help others. As it is, I’m going to do a presentation on bipolar disorder to the support workers that work with my son. I rehearsed it yesterday and it goes for @25 minutes. I could never have done something like this If I hadn’t done uni, so maybe this is the forward for me. Beyond Blue have guest speakers doing the same thing. I’m considering becoming one. Just not yet. I’m not quite ready.

Meanwhile, I’m finding myself being drawn back to something I’ve always been interested in - different religious expression around the world, including indigenous belief systems and practices. I haven’t had time to look into them in recent years but maybe now is the time. 

how about you? Have you come up with anything you want beyond the present?

[Eagle Ray]

I think I have heard of the well concept. It makes a lot of sense. I can really relate.

That’s wonderful you are doing the presentation on bipolar disorder. I think it’s good to go one step at a time and yes being a guest presenter for Beyond Blue is a future possibility. I think you know intuitively when you are ready for different things. It will be good to share what you know about bipolar with your son’s support workers, help educate them and create awareness and conversations around the topic.

 I understand the not wanting to be a counsellor. I think it’s good to trust what feels right for you right now. I have an interest in photography and someone recently suggested I could run photography workshops with people who’ve had trauma. I’ve thought of this kind of thing before but I know I have so much work still to do on my own healing journey before I could give in that way. I am completely spent beyond words. I have nothing left right now. I’m just surviving the basics of daily living.

I’m very interested in different spiritual and indigenous practices and belief systems too. I’ve read quite a few books on these kinds of topics. I’m really interested in the integration of mind, body and spirit in healing.

Right now I’m so immersed in processing experiences of grief and trauma that I can’t yet clearly see my way forward, but I think this will become clearer as I keep processing stuff.

[Junior1962]

It’s good to hear of your interest in mind, body and spirit healing. I’ve long had an interest in integrating all three. 

Have you ever tried meditation? I’ve done it as part of yoga and found it very helpful. Yoga is about uniting our physical self with the divine and the modern practice of doing various postures helps to prepare the body to do that - via meditation. It’s very nourishing. I had a yoga teacher who taught in a style that I really liked but we had a falling out. I tried another class but it wasn’t what I was looking for. Im starting to wonder whether I should look into going to a Hindu temple or something, I really like Hindu and Buddhist philosophies. 

[Junior1962]

Oh and today is my 60th birthday. A few months ago I didn’t even think I’d be here now, let alone happily celebrating it 😊

[Eagle Ray]

Happy 60th Birthday! I hope you had a lovely day yesterday 😊

I have done some meditation. I first went to a Buddhist Centre in 2002 and used to go to meditations there that would also include talks from a monk or nun. I went there on and off up until I moved out of the city this year. It was quite balancing and calming. If I get any trauma-related dissociation I can find it hard to access meditation. Sometimes then I need to do something more active, but at other times meditation is very helpful.

I’ve done some yoga, the best being yin/restorative yoga that I did last year with a very good teacher. She had quite a meditative and nurturing approach that I really liked.

I’m struggling quite a bit at the moment with some difficult memories. Going to go out tomorrow and look at some wildflowers with my camera to take my mind off it. Sometimes I’m not sure when to go into difficult memories and when to leave them alone.

Anyway, have a lovely weekend.

[therising]

Hi Junior1962 and Eagle Ray

Wishing to express what truly beautiful and inspirational people you both are. How much you have given of yourselves over time as well as the connection you both share is so soulful.

To clearly sense (clairsentience) is, I believe, a gift that feels more like a curse at times. How to do it, how to master it and how to not let self doubt get in the way are all parts of the challenge. How to sense our self being drained to various degrees by the people we work so hard to serve is yet another challenge. When to emotionally detach (in favor of pure analysis, so as to get our bearings) is another. Another is sensing the need to disconnect and recharge based on the circumstances we face. So much to master sensing when you're sensitive.

Watched a fascinating documentary called 'Crazywise' not too long ago. Directed by human rights photographer Phil Borges (who produces truly beautiful photography), its a look into how non western cultures view and manage mental health, compared with the mental health systems in western cultures. To some degree, it's about a more spiritual approach. He began his research when he delved into indigenous photography and began to speak to the people of different tribes. He discovered what appeared as psychotic breaks in some young people was the beginning of their journeys into becoming the highly respected leaders of their tribes. Some became clairsentient leaders, some clairvoyant leaders (clear seers or visionaries), some clairaudient leaders (hearing guidance) and some became a combo of all 3. They were guided into their full abilities by the elders of the tribes.

Eagle Ray, with your interest in epigenetics I'm imagining you might have heard of a guy named Bruce Lipton. With a passionate interest in the field of epigenetics, he takes it to a whole other level in bridging science and spirituality. Joe Dispenza's another one. His book 'Becoming Supernatural' is a mind/body/spirit book with a difference. It's from the angle of neuroplasticity/epigenetics/quantum physics. How the mind and body interact with different forms of energy (including the energy of trauma) is definitely fascinating.

[Junior1962]

Thank you TheRising

i had a lovely day for my birthday. Going out tonight for dinner with a group of friends too. Dinner and a band. It should be good, 

It’s interesting how so many of us are exploring eastern philosophies to help us to find a way through and suffering and to find peace. 
I’m comfortable with my clairsentience. It’s not intrusive. I’ve had deceased pets come back 24 hours after - to let me know they are ok. It’s actually very reassuring. I had one cat who didn’t realise he had passed. I had to tell him. He was so sad. I actually had a clairaudient experience with him. I heard him meowing. The only time I’ve experienced it. It was so loud that I couldn’t understand why others didn’t hear it. Then I realised it wasn’t coming in via my ears. Anyway, when he accepted what had happened, I felt him just sitting there. He was just waiting for some others to join him then he was going …. That was 8 years ago. Haven’t felt him since. I don’t have these experiences all the time. Just from time to time and I’ve learned to trust them. I have felt my spirit guides around me too. I trust in them as well. 

Rising - have you heard of Kundalini awakenings? People who have them relate incredibly powerful spiritual awakenings. It’s possible that they are akin to what non-western cultures view as people with shamanic powers. In those cultures they then do training in shamanism. Fascinating stuff. 

I’m currently reading over stuff I’ve looked at on Hinduism and the concept of samsara - birth and rebirth. Reincarnation. I’ve long believed in life lessons and it makes sense to think that if we learn what we need to learn, we may be able to achieve nirvana. I’m trying to tie these ideas with the psychological defence mechanisms I employ and look at why I use them. In my case I firmly believe I’ve lived a past life and was the victim of severe DV. I’ve brought the trauma into this life with me even though I have loving parents and had a happy childhood.  Interesting stuff. 

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you the rising. I have heard of Crazywise and would like to see it. I have some familiarity with Bruce Lipton and Joe Dispenza too. Someone else on this forum mentioned Joe Dispenza and I watched some interviews and definitely interested. I would like to read both of their books.

 I feel like I’m trying to shift my epigenetics right now. I’ve made some breakthroughs in recent days coming to terms with things from the past. I can feel my body change in response to that. It’s like healing on a cellular level, which is important for me in turning around health issues I’ve struggled with that I know come from stuff I’ve been through.

I’ve actually had to start with what I’m feeling in my body and just allow it. Sometimes that’s painful initially but then it’s like the body starts letting go of traumatic memories and then the mind follows in letting go. It’s like letting an organic healing process unfold.

It’s like I had to get a bit worse before starting to get better, especially facing past stuff. But feeling much better today as I can feel an energetic shift.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙏