Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Eagle Ray]

I love what you say about taking care of one’s soul. That’s beautiful. There is practical self-care but I feel caring for the soul is like spiritual self-care, or deeper self-care. It is like nourishing oneself by connecting to what is meaningful to your heart and soul.

Your words make a lot of sense to me. I have definitely struggled too to feel worthy of care and love. I’m finding it’s a slow process, but I’m gradually learning to care for myself. It’s like learning a new language.

 I’m really happy you have those moments of inner peace. I have felt them from time to time too and I think such moments can grow and become more and more part of our reality.

 I’m glad you have found some support through chatting on the helplines. It is good sometimes to get stuff out and share with another human. It is good to know the support is always there.

Sending you support, care and hugs,

Eagle Ray

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou for your reply Eagle Ray or ER. It truly is challenging to take care of ones self. It is good you are learning it. I know you use to take care of your mum .

Self care for me is not only the physical parts which I seem to be failing at. Eating junk food is not self caring at all. I cannot write anymore because everything looks quite gloomy within me. All I want to do his go home. I have found no such experience of "home" here. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell, I don’t know if this will help, but someone whose work I’ve learned a lot from is psychologist Peter Levine who has made helping people with trauma his life’s work. He talks about “coming home” to the self. So finding a place within that is home.

He also talks about “islands of safety” which are parts of us within our body and memory that have some sense of safety, even if a lot of us doesn’t. He then works on building up a sense within the person of that sense of safety expanding within the self, so there is a gradually increasing sense of safety within.

One way he helps people to access this is asking people to chant a low “vooo” sound which stimulates the vagus nerve which connects the brain to the gut. It sends signals to the body to switch on the parasympathetic rest-and-digest state. This is our calm state when we can feel a sense of connection with ourselves and others.

I’ve done this at my favourite rocky hill by the ocean. I chant the low “vooo” sound and things release in my body. So often we are holding a lot of stress and this helps to let go of some of that. It is also then a bit easier to feel a sense of home in the self/within as it calms down and settles the nervous system. When our stress systems are activated - fight/flight/freeze, it’s very hard to do that.

 I just thought I’d mention that approach as a way through the body that we can let go and feel calmer. For me, it is like coming home to myself but it can be easy to lose that sense of home again. So I find I need to remember to practise letting go and sense in me a part that feels grounded and connected.

 I think feeling grounded is a core part of feeling we are home within ourselves. When we have that, whatever is happening in the external world we can return to our sense of home within, even if we are not necessarily feeling at home with people and situations around us. As this sense of home develops in us, we are also more at ease dealing with the things around us.

So I’m wondering if your sense of going home can be found within you? I find even while sitting in a room and just becoming present to my surroundings and noticing the way light is coming through a window, different colours and objects in the room etc can bring me back to myself. It’s something you can do as a 5 minute exercise to ground yourself. Walking bare foot on soft grass or at the beach feeling the sand beneath are also ways of grounding the self.

Those are just some thoughts and ideas. I know it isn’t easy so sensitively feeling everything and then trying to find ways to care for yourself. Sending you calm and peaceful energy,

Eagle Ray

[Guest_16431]

hi Eagle Ray - I love Peter Levine. He is one of my favourite practitoners to follow. I hope you benefit from his amazing content and work.

Venting about this life and its limits

my psych and his style

my recent disastrous change of circumstance

no where to turn no one to trust and such limited understanding of self harm and suicide in my life

no one to talk to and no one to share

feeling sick and uncomfortable and too much to manage in the home and awkward and depressing interactions with a lifeline volunteer, followed by a good interaction, with a different lifeline volunteer

feeling scared to write here after recent interactions where my posts werent appreciated so much

feeling rejected, minimised, hurt, like i don't matter, like i am not "real"  - like my words aren't clear. Like I have no talents. Like I had talents but i lost them.

LIke I am just a stupid mistake of a person.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sleepy21,

Yes, Peter Levine is such a lovely man. He is 81 years old now and has an autobiography coming out in March I think which includes how he survived his own childhood trauma. I have done his Somatic Experiencing approach with my psychologist and it has been profoundly helpful in relation to specific instances of trauma.

It sounds like you are going through a really tough time. A couple of weeks ago I had a call to Lifeline that wasn’t great, but about a week before that I had an incredibly helpful person on Lifeline, so it certainly can vary. After the not great call I then called the Suicide Callback Service and got a fantastic person who was just so present with me. Then I was really not ok again a few days later and called Suicide Callback Service again and got another outstanding person. So they may be worth a try too. My experience is if you have a call that hasn’t helped just sit a couple of minutes, recompose yourself as best you can and call another line. My last interaction on Lifeline was difficult mainly because the person was so non-responsive which left me feeling like I was talking to thin air and it just left me feeling even more alienated and dissociated. After the next call, however, it was completely the opposite. The person was so present, attuned and grounding to speak with. So try not to feel awful in yourself as it can be that the other person hasn’t quite developed the interpersonal skills to be truly present with you.

 I don’t know if I read your recent posts, but try not to feel scared about posting. I think when feeling very vulnerable we can internalise a low sense of worth and be particularly sensitive. The flip side to sensitivity is that it can also be a strength - the capacity to feel empathy, to sense the beautiful things in the world, etc. What I’m gradually learning to do is have my own sense of worth that has its own grounding and stability, so I’m not knocked over so easily by any interactions with the external world. Part of that has been developing an inner parent who can guide and take care of me. In healthy families with balanced parents people get that guidance early in life. But if that wasn’t there it can be very hard to have a strong, grounded sense of self. But I’m learning this can still be developed later in life.

 I hope you’re doing ok today and know that you are most definitely not a “stupid mistake of a person”. If you are already vulnerable and then a few other things impact you it can be easy to spiral into a really self-critical place. See if you can sense when this is happening and then try to feel kindness towards yourself. I know that can feel awkward at first, but little by little, see if you can be nurturing and caring towards yourself and know you are a good person.

In terms of your psych’s style, have you been seeing him for a while now? I had to try a few to get someone who was the right fit. I persisted with some situations initially before realising it really wasn’t right. I ended up researching people who do Peter Levine’s approach. Even then I didn’t get the right person straight away but persisted until I found a psych I felt a connection with. It makes a huge difference as feeling safe has been one of my biggest challenges, but I know I’m safe with my current psych and on the same page. So not advising you to change psychs, but perhaps feel into the situation and see if you can sense intuitively how you feel about it and what you are most needing right now.

I hope you can take it easy today and sending you kind thoughts.

Take care,

Eagle Ray

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Sleepy, After reading your post and I am unable to write much but wanted to say to you, that no you are not a stupid mistake of a person.

And totally relate to the not " real" experience. I call it the far away experience sometimes. 

Really wanted you to know you are valued, your are a treasure, you matter and sometimes our words don't come out clear....and that is quite alright. You are valued.

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray, Hoping you are getting along ok today. 

I understand a bit of what you wrote, so at least that is something. The rest seems to just go over my head, my brain just isn't comprehending.

I picked up how kind you are and how helpful you are

I just wanted to thankyou anyways as it means a lot to v v hat you are even reading what I wrote 

[Eagle Ray]

No worries Shell, I hope you are going along ok today. I am ok. I’m in the city a few days sorting out various things including a med appointment, catching up with people and getting my car looked at.

You are very kind too and so caring. I hope the rest of your week goes well. Take good care 😊🌸🌼

Eagle Ray

[Guest_16431]

thanks Shell and Eagle Ray. 
You are interesting, sweet, and intelligent people who are great to speak with here.
I feel like things aren't real. 

i am upset because my phone died and i haven't even been able to charge it

i'm upset because i can't calm down

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sleepy21,

I think the unreal feeling is how the body copes when under stress. I find it helps to know it is just my body trying to protect me.

Sometimes sensory things can start to bring us back when we can’t calm down. A few things that might help:

• Having a shower.
• Having a warm beverage such as a cup of tea. A lovely, kind fellow on Lifeline suggested this to me at the end of the call, to have a cup of tea and a biscuit before bed.
• Taking a few minutes just to look around the room and sense what you can see, hear, smell, feel… just observing and sensing.
• Chanting the low “vooo” sound recommended by Peter Levine which switches on the rest-and-digest parasympathetic nervous system. He did this with nurses in emergency during the worst of Covid and it enabled them to keep going with their challenging tasks.
• Pat a pet if you have one.
• Dance to some music - sounds eccentric but it can shift your nervous system.
• Call a helpline just to co-regulate with another human and let them know you just needed to talk with someone to settle.
• Remember to breathe gently and see if you can let go with that. Often we hold our breath when stressed.

With the phone, how do you usually charge it? If you haven’t tried already you could try via your computer as opposed to the wall outlet. I charge mine on a circular charging station that plugs into the wall but can also do it by plugging into the computer. Just wondering if an issue has come up with the wall outlet. You can also try gently cleaning the phone charging port with something like a soft cloth (dry not damp) or gently blow away dust or debris. My phone camera wouldn’t focus earlier today. I cleaned the lenses and then it worked.

Sometimes it is good to just put something aside too and come back to it in the morning. You can also try visiting a phone store tomorrow if you are able (e.g. Optus, Telstra, Apple, whichever is relevant for you).

Things are always in flux so everything will be ok. Take care Sleepy and I hope you can let go and sleep well.