Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Guest_1055]

Your are such a beautiful person Eagle Ray..so very sweet.

Yes the gaslighting sounds like what my sister has described before to me. My BIL did grow up with much trauma and neglect. So I am pretty sure this affects how he is now. I find that sad as well. I absolutely hate the behaviour...I am attempting to seperate the behaviour from him if that makes any sense. 

And yes my sister has talked about self doubt, her reality, his controlling and manipulating ways. And how he attempts to play with her mind somehow. Even as I write this tears are behind my eyes. It is one of the hardest things I have witnessed happen. 

I am sorry you are experiencing something similar with an in-law. And I can see why you feel safer and at home with animals. Human behaviour can be so cruel, evil , hateful, selfish and many other things. I know there is the opposite too. The whole world just seems like a big mess with so much hate. Whatever things are lovely, whatever things are true, noble and beautiful think upon these things. God has been showing me this. 

I wish I could help you in some way. It it hurts me some knowing you have been hurt. You are so lovely and caring. And intelligent. 

My sister does go to counselling without me too. 

I think the way I was raised well emotions were not talked about ,I learnt just to stuff them down inside of me. So feeling these strong emotions and knowing what to do with them is challenging. But I am working on it. At times I feel myself go far away. "The numb feeling" I think I wrote that before. 

Think upon whatever is true... It is true my sister has been hurt so very much .Grief. It is true my BIL has hurt many family members. It is true he has been hurt by his family of origin.

I will go and focus on some things that are beautiful now.

Thankyou for sharing a bit of you  Eagle Ray.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Shell for your kind thoughts and I agree there are many lovely, beautiful, noble things in this world and it’s so important to remember them amidst the stressful things. What your sister is going through is so hard. It sounds to me you are being exactly the sister she needs, just so compassionately there for her.

Yes, it is really challenging when we were taught to stuff down our emotions and then dealing with them as they surface later in life. I know I stuffed mine down too and was encouraged to focus on the needs of others but not myself. I can tell you are so sensitive and caring and really feel for others. The world needs sensitive, caring and feeling people and you are an asset to those around you.

 I hope you’ve managed to connect with some peaceful and beautiful things today. Sending you care and support.

[Guest_1055]

It has been a challenging month, well a challenging last 4 years or so. This last month I find myself in tears, praying, in the far away place, suicide thoughts ( will never act on them and I am safe) but they have been there.

Overwhelming, heaviness,sadness, lost, fear, rejection, aloneness, and other emotions I don't know the name of. Sometimes it feels like a dream and I am waiting to wake up. 

[smallwolf]

I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling with such difficult emotions and thoughts lately. It sounds like you've been carrying a heavy burden, and I can understand how that must feel overwhelming at times.

Please don't lose hope. There are still bright days ahead for you. Take things one moment at a time, and focus on getting through each day. Remind yourself of the people who care about you, and know that you're not alone in this. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. Just keep taking small steps forward. 

Listening ...

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell, I’m sorry for all the challenging emotions and feelings you’ve been having. Life can be so hard sometimes. I hope maybe you have been able to find some peaceful things like your walks. I am remembering you talking about feeding the horse you see sometimes. I saw a big and little horse together in a paddock today. I think the little one was a Shetland Pony. So cute 🥰 Thinking of you,

ER xx 

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou smallwolf and ER. Appreciate you reading and talking with me.

[Guest_1055]

The last week has been ,I don't even know what you call it. I find myself in the far away place a lot. And experiencing peace other times. Sometimes I wish I could be more free to write on here, but I cannot because I wonder if relatives might be reading. There is so much going on in my extended family uncertainty, sadness, fear, aloneness, abuse,( which I hate even saying) it is so very hard. I wish it just would all go away . Why does it have to be this way? I can't do this , I can't 

[Eagle Ray]

It is good to reach out when you are struggling. I understand worrying about relatives reading. I have disclosed rather a lot here on this forum and have thought someone may read it and recognise my story. I think it is ok to talk in general terms and only as much as you feel comfortable.

I'm wondering if it would help to call a helpline from time to time? I know that in itself can feel stressful at first. I had to overcome some fear to do it, but overall it has been helpful. And there is web chat with BB too. Obviously you would want to call/chat when you have time to yourself so you can communicate freely and privately. Until late 2021 I had never called a helpline in my life. Since then I have called the BB helpline, Lifeline, Blue Knot Foundation, Suicide Callback Service and Griefline. So I guess those things have been like toolboxes that have helped keep me going and it has often been quite grounding just talking with another human. With the far away place you mention, I think when I have had a helpful person to talk to this has grounded me again and brought me back from the far away place. Occasionally I've had a call that wasn't so good, either because the person was kind of non-interactive leaving me feeling more isolated, or I couldn't cope with some of the questions because I was already in a very trauma-activated place when I called, but those have been the exception rather than the rule. I've also called a helpline again minutes after and then got a really helpful person. Also, in most instances I have not been asked much in the way of questions but allowed to talk and express myself, and then the person has interacted in a constructive and supportive way. It has been like a kind of safety net and way of grounding and reconnecting with myself and the world.

It can be very upsetting when stressful things are going on within family, especially when you are sensitive and really feel it. I guess try not to feel responsible for trying to solve everything and know that you are doing your best to support family members. I have had to see family members in situations that are not ideal, but I'm also coming to accept I cannot fix or solve it. I know that is really hard, but I think the key is just continuing to be the kind, lovely person you are, and extend that kindness to yourself. We often need to care for ourselves first to be able to be in a caring capacity with others. It has taken me a lifetime to learn to address my own self-care before trying to help everyone else, and I'm still learning that process.

I'm glad you are experiencing some peace too. I think those experiences of peace can be like islands of safety when other things get challenging, and we can return to and remember those feelings of peace which support us through the difficult times. Sending you peaceful, kind energy and a supportive hug if you would like one 🤗

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[Guest_1055]

You are such a beautiful person Eagle Ray, not sure if anyone has said that to you or not but I can feel it in your words.

I have been chatting on the helplines as in online chat thing. So no verbal speaking. Like you it has taken me a while to actually use them. 

Still think I am in the far away place mostly but poking myself out some.

Parts of me doesn't want to face reality. But I think it is harder to give and receive love in such a place. It is like there is a barrier or fence around me. 

And yes those moments of inner peace do feel like safety. What is happening around me within the circumstances is rough and turbulent. But inside of me is nice and peaceful. Quite different to the far away place. That place is blocked off with no feeling and it's a disconnected place. No peace just a nothingness.

Yes one of the counsellors on the online mentioned self care. I thought I understood all that. But perhaps not. I am now thinking it is like taking care of ones soul. Learning to see myself as worthy of care and love. I have experienced much of my life feeling worthless. 

I am getting mixed up with words now, thankyou Eagle Ray 

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou for the hug