Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Guest_1055]

Been thinking about people passing away. It is reality on this earth. One day I know both my mum and dad will no longer be here on this earth. Sometimes I sort of stay ignorant if that is the word. Or maybe pretend it will never happen. Just go away in my imagination and I want have to think about it. But that is not reality.Not sure what to do with this 

[Guest_1055]

Who I actually am feels hidden. The not real is here. And this makes me sad, because I feel like I will never really know or connect properly with my mum and dad. And one day it may be too late. But I don't know how to do it. And I have tried to. What is wrong with me. Why can't there be realness. Why does it feel like pretend. I don't want to live like this anymore. It feels like a waste. Tears are coming now. It's too much. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell, I feel for you having these difficult feelings. Sometimes relationships with parents can be complex and they are meaningful in our lives. Do you feel maybe there is some aspect of your relationship with them you would like to go differently but you feel hasn’t been able to eventuate? I know sometimes we don’t always get to have the relationship with them we would like. Is there something from them you would like, or would have liked growing up?

Both my parents have passed now and, if it helps at all, I can say it has helped me understand death so much better and I am much more accepting of it and at peace with it. The grief relating to my Mum has been harder to process but I’m slowly getting there. And with both, the best way I can explain it is it’s like their spirits are still with me, even able to love me in ways that were hard for them to express when alive. That might sound strange but it’s what I feel. You carry them in your heart and there is a comfort in that, even though there is also grief in loss.

Like you I used to feel a kind of worry about them eventually not being here, but now there is a kind of acceptance is the best way I can put it.

I’m trying to understand the feeling of not real you are experiencing. Don’t feel you have to try and explain if you don’t want to, as I know it may be a feeling that’s hard to put words to. There are things looking back I wish I’d done differently in relation to my parents. But what I’m also recognising is that I really did my best given the challenges our family had, and my parents really tried their best given the challenges they were given in life. I’m thinking Shell you are very likely doing your best too and not doing anything wrong.

It feels like you are feeling a distance with your parents. In some ways I felt a distance with mine. My Dad didn’t really do conversation. But he would communicate in other ways, such as writing out his experience of a trip he did when he was young when I asked him about it. There were some gaps with my Mum that were partially bridged but not fully. I guess what I’ve learned is that life is imperfect including relationships and to understand that that is ok.

I know you have good things in your heart and a lot of kindness. That in itself is a gift you have. There might be something in that part of you that can reach and connect with your parents in some way.

I feel a lot of gratitude now towards mine, even though I experienced a fair bit of trauma growing up. I can see the ways they really tried within the limitations they had and I feel so eternally grateful for the good things I got from them. I find the feeling of gratitude is very healing.

 I’m not sure if any of that helps. I guess I’m trying to communicate that I’ve come through that experience of loss and it is hard but you do get through it. And while your parents are still around, perhaps just see if you can be in the present moment with them when you are with them, not worrying about past and future. As life is lived in the moment, just like the feeling of the ocean breeze you’ve described elsewhere. Perhaps see if you can just be - talk with them, laugh with them, allow your heart to rest and be peaceful in their presence. You may find the not real feeling disappears when you ease into the present moment. I hope that helps.

[Guest_1055]

Speaking this out... This feels like a hard lesson to learn. Even hard to explain. 

I don't verbally speak much , hardly ever spoke when growing up. I grew up in my own alone world. I feel even when I did speak I wasn't listened to or understood.

Now years on, with my emotions let out of the cage within me by the love of my God. I think they were stuffed in there. But it's hard because I don't know what to do with them. So hard. 

I was saying something and it is like the person does not acknowledge me that I have said something at all. Pain just goes through me. It hurts. I don't want to be easily offended if that is what it is called. I just don't. But I have a voice too, I am no less of a person then them. Isn't that right. I think I start to feel I am not valued enough to be even listened too. I am a nobody. It hurts but I am so sick of it hurting. Whatever lesson I am supposed to learn , I want to pass it. Because I cannot keep going on like this.

I forgive him Father. I hurt but don't know entirely why. I can't think about this anymore. My head is just scrambled up.  

[Bob_22]

Hi Guest_1055,

Good to hear from you. I'm sorry you are hurting at the moment. It sounds like you've been struggling a bit with coping with another person. Interpersonal relationships can be difficult, especially if we have our own mental health or self esteem issues. It seems you have done the right thing which is to reflect on yourself and rely on your spiritual supports. We can only control our own actions and how we respond. You may feel frustrated or angry at how another person has treated you but it is always best to not act on these feelings and instead manage them in a healthy manner. 

Hope this helps.

Bob

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

I can relate to what you say when you ask in one way or a another 'What is my lesson?'. I tend to ask, when I'm feeling so deeply emotionally challenged, 'What is this challenge about?'. Often this is followed with 'I just don't understand'. I should add that I just don't understand until I finally do in each case.

I've found it interesting in some ways, this 'coming to life emotionally' business. It's like suddenly all these emotions start surfacing - depressing ones, stressful ones, joyful ones etc. One day it hit me, the challenge does not simply involve feeling/s, it's about feeling accurately. In other words, getting a better sense of what I'm actually feeling.

If I was to touch on a topic that was of a soulful nature and be shut down and even ridiculed for it, in the past I would have felt worthless and maybe it would have added to the depression I was in at the time, making it worse. With being able to feel more accurately these days, I have developed the ability to feel a shut down, an ability to feel a put down. With the degrading aspect, I have the ability to feel that person put me in a lower grade than them. I have the ability to feel them judging me as being worth less, based on my opinion/belief. Through their words, I have the ability to feel their tone, their intention and their judgement. Am I less than them or do I simply have the ability to read them more accurately through my feelings? If someone came along who agreed with me, I would feel that person relating to what I am saying. I would feel a sense of connection to them. I may even feel inspiration coming from them. One of my favourite feelings would have to be 'a chill'. It's the soulful feeling of something 'ringing true'. I absolutely love that feeling.

In some cases, developing sensitivity can mean becoming more sensitive to being able to accurately read people. You can feel who is closed minded, who's ignorant (ignoring the opportunity to hear what you have to say), who's inspirational, who's leading you to discover the best in your self and so on. So much in life has a feel to it - people, places, situations, thoughts, inner dialogue, our own belief systems and energy levels etc etc.

You are a feeler and that is something to be proud of. 🙂❤️

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray ,Bob and The rising. Knowing you have read what I wrote and gave your time to me means so much to me. All of what I wrote is confusing. An  overwhelming mess in my mind.

What happened to me today triggered painful and sad emotions of way back. The situation was similar. 

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

With emotions being so telling, must say I prefer the ones that point to telling me why I'm so happy, upbeat and energised. Not a fan of the emotions that are intolerable, depressing, anxiety inducing etc. I think it's because they're the ones that can take so much effort to work with and make sense of.

Being a gal who likes to imagine some form of divine guidance at work in my life, there are times where I'm pushed to imagine what guidance would sound like. it becomes about taking notice of what simply comes to mind. In the case of a particular person rarely wanting to listen to me, what may simply come to mind is 'The challenge is to make yourself heard' or 'You need to stop interacting with this person so much. They're seriously triggering and not good for self esteem'.

The 'you' factor is an interesting thing. Most people I've spoken to, out of curiosity, hear the 'you' factor. For example, you could make the statement 'I just don't know what to do anymore' when all of a sudden what may come to mind is 'You need to stop listening to that person'. It goes from 'I ...' to 'You...'. It's a strange phenomena indeed. What it is, who knows. Is it some constructive facet of our self dictating the way forward? Is it some form of divine guidance? Is it something else altogether? No idea. Everyone's got their own theory as to what it is. It becomes about what I simply choose to imagine. If what works for me is imagining some divine concept or imagining some constructive facet of myself...well...it's simply about what works. We can have so much inner dialogue going on as it is, dictating our lack of value, our level of hopelessness, all the reasons for why we should believe what people say about us (all that depressing stuff). I figure I may as well give the good stuff some constructive form of identity, so I can connect with it more easily.

Of course, it remains important to question everything that simply comes to mind. If what comes to mind is 'Give that person a really good smack', while tempting at times I do have to question that. Should add, it doesn't hurt to give some people a bit of a psychological smack (wake up call) at times. That could sound like 'Hey, I'm speaking. Stop interrupting me'.

[Guest_1055]

I am ever so sorry the rising . I cannot understand what you are saying. Maybe my head is just a mixed up mess and I cannot comprehend properly. Wish I could 

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055 

Please don't feel the need to apologise. One of my challenges in life is to simplify, which is a challenge I don't always meet successfully at times. This is one of those times. 🙂

Inner dialogue can be positive or negative, offering positive or negative forms of guidance.

For example, our challenge may involve having our words heard by certain people who refuse to listen to us and maybe even put us down or laugh at us (making fun of us). Quite often in depression, our inner dialogue may sound like 'You're worthless, you're not even worth listening to. You're a joke'. This kind of inner dialogue guides us toward lower self esteem, a lower sense of value and a lot of depressing emotions.

On the other hand (when we're feeling low), our inner dialogue may dictate 'Stop them from speaking over you and treating what you say as a joke' or it may dictate 'There is no point speaking to this person. Just walk away'. Such inner dialogue guides us and challenges us to raise our self esteem, raise our sense of value and it leads us to stand up for who we are as a person.

Over the years, when it comes to managing the ins and outs of depression, the amount of times I dismissed constructive inner dialogue would be too much to count. There were times where I wanted to say to my husband 'Don't walk away from me' when he'd leave me to feel down, times where I wanted to say to my brother 'Stop being so arrogant in the way you speak to me at times', times where I wanted to say to some people 'Listening to your criticism of others is depressing me', times where I wanted to scream at everyone 'Someone help me manage this time in my life because I can't cope'. The list goes on with all the things I was challenged to say but never said. I'd typically keep all that to myself, simply wishing I could say it.

What do you want to say to the person or people who lead you to feel so down? What is stopping you from saying what you want or need to say?