Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Shell,

That is so beautiful you comforting yourself as a girl. I think protecting and caring for our inner child is the most healing thing. I’m trying to do this for myself.

What you describe about feeling like you’re a nuisance (even though you are not and it’s not necessarily how the other person is seeing you) is a very familiar feeling to me. For example, I can assume someone else is either angry at me or will be angry at me in the future, when in fact it may not be the case at all. Or if there is anger, I think it’s my fault when it isn’t. My sense is these are deeply internalised feeling states from childhood reinforced by our already sensitive natures. They can be so deep they affect us whether we are fully aware of them or not, emerging as depression, anxiety, feeling lost or in despair.

I can relate a bit to your experience with the kitten. About 13 years ago two cats ran in front of my car at night. It happened so fast there was nothing I could do. The first cat I missed but the second was killed instantly. I felt a sickening feeling like you describe. I felt broken by it and searched for an owner but couldn’t find them. The response of someone I knew who lived on that street was “a dead cat’s a good cat.” She felt nothing for the cat. So people vary vastly in their level of sensitivity.

What The Rising describes about our feelings being our compass can be really helpful. For those of us who feel the world with such sensitivity, we have a particularly attuned inner guidance system which, as we learn to listen in to it, can give us a sense of what feels right and what doesn’t. We start to orient to what nurtures our soul. I wish for you much nurturance for your soul and feelings of warmth, comfort, healing and peace.

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

The business of sensing is seriously challenging at times. 'Am I right in what I sense or am I completely off?' is a question I've asked myself many times. Often, there's only one way to find out for sure and that involves asking the person or people concerned whether what you're sensing is spot on. There can be a lot of times where we are spot on and when it comes to the times when we're not, there's a need to find out why (so as to become more masterful at sensing). One simple example when it comes to making the wrong call can involve something like the person we normally rely on being so exhausted from a long day or week at work and they can barely manage to help themself, let alone us. So, it's not about sensing simple disinterest, what we could be feeling from them is exhaustion. At times, it could be a bit of both. As I say, getting a true sense of what's going on can be challenging and sometimes complex. We could be picking up on mixed emotions from someone. We could be picking up our own bias mixed in with what we're reading from them. The list of complexities goes on. It becomes a learning experience toward mastery.

If it's of any help, I've pondered that 'He doesn't love me' feeling myself in the past, regarding my husband. Took me a long time to work out the truth. The truth is he doesn't always love me in the ways I need him to. With him not being an adventurer he doesn't love me through adventure all that often. With him not being much of a wonderer, he doesn't love me through conversations that involve various elements of wonder. Personally, I love the gift of wonder and I can feel so lonely and down at times when there is simply no sense of wonder shared in our relationship. The list goes on in the ways I need to be loved to life by him. He definitely genuinely loves me from his perspective. It's sad in some ways, that kind of disconnection.

I think people can genuinely love us but we don't feel it because we love differently from them. I also think we can feel a person suddenly not loving us in the way we desperately need them to, like when they say something we feel through heartache.

[Guest_1055]

Tears have fallen, felt an ache in my heart for my dear sweet sister. He treats her so mean at times. I know he is struggling within himself. Father God I forgive him. My heart aches to see her composure look in emotional pain. It breaks my heart so very much. I think she is ok now. I know she is in the palm of God's loving hand . He has got her. She is His daughter. I gave her a hug hoping she felt loved and safe. My heart was crying on the inside. And still partly is, as I sit outside this Woolworths in the car.

I know God is doing something in her life and indeed mine. He promises He will never leave or forsake us. So very hard to see her like this. But I know she would not want me to dwell on this. So I give my sister up to you Lord, help me to trust that you will work this all out. For your glory. May your will be done as it is in heaven for my sister. May your will be done for him that is struggling so very much himself. I know he was abused when he was a little boy. It breaks my heart too. I lay any bitterness I may have towards him on the cross. Bless him today. In Jesus name.

Let it be so. You are our refuge in times of trouble. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this worry with your sister. It hurts so much when the ones we love are hurting. You have so much grace and understanding of her situation and I’m glad you are drawing strength from your faith. Sending you blessings and kindness at this difficult time and hope you are going ok. Warm wishes, ER

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray. Thankyou for your kindness, it flowed from you. I felt it. Thankfull tears.

[Guest_1055]

Hi the rising, indeed yes my sensing has been interpreted by me has been incorrect many many times. It is not easy to explain in words either. 

But what I perceive is love is not what the other person sees as love. 

Have you ever heard of the "five love languages"? It is basically a book about how people give and receive love. Their love language. My husband is acts of service. I am almost certain mine is not. It is quality time. Not sure where I am going with this. I am sorry.

But I like adventure too and often wonder about things. Sometimes the adventure might be only in my imagination. I have really lost the plot now.

Appreciate you giving your time in reading what I had to say before. 

[Guest_1055]

Tears just still keep coming , different thing. I am attempting to add more things in my life, in hope I will find something else that I like doing. So I chose embroidery. And enrolled in this free online class for beginners. With a private facebook group. This is what happened and I am re hashing it over and over. My thoughts won't quit thinking upon it. Someone posted their work changing the wording from Home sweet home to something that I just felt dirty seeing it. I liked all the rest of what she stitched, but I did not like this wording. And I commented back just that , but also that I liked the rest of it. Next thing, the teacher commented on what I said. Saying to me let's just keep this positive. The words that the other person stitched were meant to be funny ,that is what she said. I saw no humour in it at all. 

Anyways a lot of other people's comments were saying they liked what she did. And just disregard these people ( meaning me and one other) and other things like " I don't know why they don't think this is humourous" My bad properly shouldn't have said anything at all, just kept scrolling on by. But I did and it started  escalating this thing where it felt like sides. I didn't reply to any of this. Just to the original author and the one person that said she agreed with me. 

I never speak out 😭 and regret doing so. Not only do I feel sort of exposed ,singled out, a bit troubled that my words may have hurt that original author.  I cannot  look at my own embroidery piece without remembering her words on hers. Maybe I am just a baby. Cry so much about stuff. It is best if I just sit back and not go out of my comfort zone. Anyways I can't stop thinking about it. Over and over. Seems like I can't get this relating to people correct. Hate seeing words like she wrote. Don't hate her, just the words. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

I'm so sorry that happened. The online environment can be challenging. Sometimes things are misunderstood or taken out of context, or taken offensively when no offence was intended. When people are just looking at the written word, without hearing or seeing someone, sometimes the meaning and intent is not taken as it was meant.

Some years ago I joined what was meant to be an online support forum. Something I posted was taken completely the wrong way and three other people basically ganged up on me and really attacked me. I was stunned and dumbfounded. I tried to explain myself, that I wasn't coming from where they thought I was, but to no avail. They remained hostile and I felt I had no choice but to leave.

I think the important thing in such situations is to know, within yourself, that you haven't done something wrong. Your intentions were not to cause hurt and upset. You were just expressing an opinion about something you didn't find humorous. Sometimes people have different values around what they find humorous or not.

If it makes you feel better, you could try briefly explaining that you hadn't intended to cause any upset. It hurts right now, but it will fade. You could just see how things go with the facebook group over time and you might find it's fine to engage with again, or you might find that maybe that wasn't the group for you after all. Sometimes we try things and they don't turn out as we hoped, but it doesn't mean that you won't find other groups where you feel you belong. And this particular embroidery group may turn out fine. Just see how you feel.

It's wonderful you are reaching out to do new things, so please don't be discouraged. Being a sensitive person can make it hard too. Other people throw words and opinions around that just bounce off each other and they aren't impacted much by it, while others are sensitively impacted if there is some conflict or dissent.

Take care and I hope you keep enjoying your embroidery. See if you can focus on what you enjoy about it and what you want to create.

Kind thoughts and warm wishes,

ER

[Guest_1055]

Hi Eagle Ray, After reading that middle paragraph there about what happened to you. I thought gosh we are so similar in some things, I have felt it before even when you have been replying to someone else. Maybe it is the sensitivity, I am not sure. Or maybe I understand what you are saying, because it is similar to how I think and see things. 

I think I over reacted to the incident that I experienced. Feelings got away from me or something. There are so many worse things in life that happen. Feel a bit silly now. But I will try and see it as a learning experience.

And yes I ended up replying once more to this original author. Maybe my emotions or feelings had calmed down some by then. So I could see clearly the situation. 

Thankyou for reading all my stuff and hearing me. You are so lovely and super kind 

[Eagle Ray]

You are welcome Shell. It’s really easy to feel vulnerable in a situation like that, especially when you are trying to reach out and do new things. I know I felt really hurt with the incident that happened to me and what hurt so much was I had nothing but good intentions towards the very people who misunderstood me. But it faded and stopped affecting me, especially when I recognised clearly that they were just reactive based on their own past experiences that had led to them misinterpreting me and projecting anger towards me.

 I think you eventually build up a sense of self where you are calm in the face of things, and that in itself has a calming effect on others too. I’m gradually learning that but still in process and go off balance sometimes. If I do feel upset by something I try to think of a wise person I know and their good energy, and then that gives me a sense of having the inner resources to handle things, if that makes sense? But sometimes we get caught off guard in some situations and still get hurt, but that’s ok and that’s when we be kind and supportive to ourselves and then I think we recover more quickly.

Wishing you much joy and creative fun with your embroidery, ER