Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[hellohi]

Hi,

I wrote this poem a few months ago too. But it was too long so I only put a few paragraphs here.

Game Of Life

She was gone like a sandcastle being washed away by the tides,
These tides washed me into a sea full of dark sides,
Is this the game we have to ride?
Why is this game of life….so painful,
The sky looks so unfaithful,
I see the clouds cry their raindrops,
Making my tears wanting to drop,
Why did she leave me? I scream
I cry and cry, until I feel that the cloud’s and my tears can become a stream

This isolation makes me feel alone,
Making me wanting to be blown,
Why do I have to lose so much in this game,
While everyone else does not go through the same,
I lost, my life is a word without a meaning,
Making me feel like this is the time of grieving,
She left me, like smoke dissolved in the air and the only trace, was my sorrow,
But I will rise, rise from all the sorrow which makes me feel so hollow,
This game of life is small and short, that’s why you need to move on and leave the losses in this game alone

How do I move on?
I find my answer,
I pack my bags and say,
That today I will make a way,
I will heal, even though it will leave a scar,
I start to mountain climb and I take her favourite guitar,
I climb, feeling so courageous, that today I have taken back my consciousness from my isolation,
I feel today, I have won something in this game of life

I cry when I reach the top,
I ask why,
But answers never come,
My heart tells me to stop,

The clouds cry with me, but then,
The sun climbs the mountain and it smiles reaching its arms around me making me feel joyful after a long time again,
There I see that this game of life has loses and wins, but you need to move on and regain,
I rise like a happy fountain,
As I have climbed this mountain, I have given my game of life a definition and I have recovered from all that grief, which had taken a part of me,
But through this game of life I have felt,
That grief is like riding a roller coaster in a game that never stops without a wearing seatbelt

[Sophie_M]

Hi hello, hi,

What a beautiful poem! Thank you so much for shairng that with us. We would like to recommend you check out 'The poetry corner' of the forums in the BB Social Zone - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/the-poetry-corner---post-your...

Also, if you feel it might be useful for you while you are in isolation, we'd encourage you to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. 

Please feel free to share any more poems you write - it's a great way to stay occupied during this time!

[white knight]

Hi Neeja

11 years of emotional abuse. Let me start by saying that my working career included RAAF, prison officer, dog ranger, security and investigations, in many ways a hardened man, but emotionally fragile.

my ex wife was very lazy as I worked 3 jobs. She used silence as a weapon for all those years. Used that way silence can be devastating to kind caring people. Eventually I broke and went down that road we won’t talk about but I saved myself and was compelled to leave her, which meant leaving my two daughters 7 and 4 yo, but I remained a dedicated dad.

How did I survive it? You Neerja said

”But I will rise, rise from all the sorrow”

That is how you do it, you never ever give up. It is the same in everything you do- eg seeking a loving boyfriend? Never give up, a bubbly personality makes you attractive by itself, seeking a career? Never give up. People hurting you? If you cannot work with them to work it out- move on because it is like weeding a garden to discard the weeds that come along but embrace the flower that adds love to your life.

what you are experiencing Neerja is not feeling loved enough but I can guarantee your parents love you and as long as they do nothing else matters because we all think everyone expresses love the same way we do- they don’t.

The other very important thing is acceptance. When something is out of our control we should not stress over it. Eg obesity. The fact is we are unlucky with our genes, we can’t all be stick models! So dreaming we want to be is a waste of time and false hope. Better to focus on a good diet of healthy food and some moderate fast walking. That is effort and that’s what matters.

Abuse is something that we should try to contain. We can take a few steps-

• Avoid them
• choose friends wisely
• keep friends on a one on one basis, three is a crowd
• stand up for your rights
• report bullies
• focus in your talents. If your future job is your hobby you’ll never work a day in your life!
• dont underestimate your importance in the world- the most important job in a hospital is the cleaner! Helping unwell people makes you an angel!

google

beyondblue topic the Good Samaritan

So abuse- you can serve yourself well by rising above it- you know the theory, just put it into practice. I’m so proud of you.

TonyWK

[hellohi]

Wow! 3 jobs all at once is a lot, you are hardworking and multi-tasking person. It is really good that you saved yourself and now you are generously helping out and inspiring other people.

Sometimes, I feel like the easier option is giving up, from all the people who make you struggle, don't accept you and don't make you feel loved. It is hard to live in this world. I really wish that my family and I could spend more time, together. I feel alone. This loneliness is painful.

Thanks for your kind words and support like always. 🙂

Neerja

[hellohi]

Thanks Sophie_M. I really appreciate your kindness and support. 🙂

[white knight]

Hi Neeja

So far since your first post we now know-

• You are kind
• heaps of gratitude
• poetic beyond your years
• empathetic
• love art
• willing to seek help and listen to advice

Just saying- many teenagers haven’t got your qualities.

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hi Neerja,

We are so glad that you are finding some support in some of our lovely community members. They certainly are an inspiring bunch. We can hear that you are in a lot of pain from the loneliness you are experiencing. Feeling lonely and unloved can be overwhelming and we understand that you're struggling. But remember, things can always improve with the right support. We have sent you a private message to offer some extra support.

If you'd like to speak to a counsellors, remember that you can always contact Kids Helpline via phone or webchat 24/7 - https://kidshelpline.com.au/
It's very normal to need to contact services like these many times, so please feel welcome to do so.

Keep us updated when you feel up to it here Neerja. We're all here with you when you need us.

[hellohi]

I can never thank you enough TonyWK. I really appreciate your support, kindness and understanding.

Thank you again, you have brightened my day 🙂

[hellohi]

Thanks Sophie_M for your support. 🙂

[Aaronsis]

Hello Neerja

Just wanted to stop in and say hello and that I am thinking of you, hoping that the past few days have been good for you.

I started to build a cat play centre for my three cats today, turning a book shelf cube into hidey holes and little spots they can climb through, scratch on and then a shelf that is pretty high so that they can see out the window.

I still haven't gotten to paint Mrs Cow, maybe that is a job for Saturday as I believe the weather is going to turn nasty soon.

Chat to you some more and huge hugs to you as always

Sarah