Paranoia

[H-c]

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore . So long story short this is my third time typing this because i kept on accidentally deleting it

so I’m having these really intense paranoia these past few weeks and i dont know why. I know I’m not some important person but still. So I’m really paranoid about my security and i need to scan my phone with two different antivirus software to make sure that I dont have any malware or spyware on my phone. It’s not like I’m doing dodgy stuff but it’d be nice to be safe.

So i was out on a walk today and as i was walking i really didn't pay attention to my surrounding so i didn't see the aircon leaking water. So as i was walking the leaking water from the air condition happened to went into my eye. New fear unlocked!

i’m now really paranoid what if they can see what I’m seeing because they have a tracking device in the water? Is it possible? Can you track someone by putting droplets of water into their eyes? As in will you be able to see what they’re seeing? please help me i cant do this anymore

Being alive is starting to get really tiring.

note: kinda funny how my first thought when the leaking water went into my eye was that and not oh no what if i get an eye infection

[Sophie_M]

Hey H-c

Thanks for reaching out tonight.

It sounds like you're feeling very overwhelmed with the fear that youre being watched. This must be a horrible feeling. We want you to know that you're not alone and there is a lot of support available.

We're concerned that may be thoughts of suicide or self harm may been happening for you now and we are sending a private message to check in with you. 

We hope you know that there is always support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 
If thoughts of self harm or suicide are in fact with you tonight, where you feel like acting on those thoughts, then this is an emergency, and you should call 000 immediately.

[Croix]

Dear H-c~

Welcome back, it is good to hear from you, even though the reasons for your coming are very hard. Actually you've had a hard time for a long time now. Sometimes you take a bit of a break from here and I've wondered if that is becuse you've hit a better patch, or just run out of steam

I'll not go back though all the things that have happened, it would probably be upsetting -I know it would be if it was me- but I guess I can say what you know well, you seem to have been very much like I was when my anxiety was at its worst.

You were not comfortable with people at all, and I think you were very apprehensive that you would not meet other people's expectations, which is not a good thing. You also found there was a big gap between how you felt and people, who would belittle your feelings or laugh

Now sadly you have fear or anxiety leading you to worry about your phone, about people spying and even suspect water.

I know you have been reluctant in the past to seek competent medical help, maybe the fear of being ignored or not having what happens in your life treated seriously, maybe simply the difficulty in saying anything outright -I don't know. Could you say why?

I do know you have been very unhappy for a number of years, far too unhappy - no sort of life for a young person, and that you have not had anyone to turn to nowadays.

So can I ask if you now have that help? A GP and maybe a psychologist or a psychiatrist? If you do then you might consider talkng over with them the fact their therapy is not working.

Maybe make a list to take with you so you do not get distracted.

Then again if you have not had help do you think it is time you did see what can be done by doctors? I probably told you before that I simply kept on getting worse until i had that assistance. I was a mess and I left it longer than I might - I really had no faith in medical things. But matter got so bad I would try anything.

OK, now I'm a different person, the sort of person who can study without excessive worry - but for my own sake, not for others. I can interact with people and even be close with one. Life has turned around.

One thing I'll mention that helped when I had bad times was to distract myself wiht the free phone app Smiling Mind. With a little practice it can break the chain of unwanted thoughts. I'm about out of space so might talk about how I use it another time.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

I hope you come back and talk with me some more

Croix

[geoff]

Hello H-c, I'm sorry for how you are feeling, however having two different types of antivirus may conflict with each other, I only know this from reading what mine says on their site on the computer, so if you like check them out and make another decision.

The chances of a water drop from an air conditioner being able to follow you are minutus and what would be their intention, but it's not what we have to say it's convincing you that this is impossible.

Something has started all of this and needs to be resolved.

Take care.

Geoff.

[H-c]

Hi Croix,

thank you for being understanding first of all.

I tried to seek help, i really tried. I tried for weeks and sometimes even months but no one seems to notice it or care. I haven’t gone to a professional yet due to one of my past bad experience with my GP, whenever i try to talk to him they’d only assume it’s something related to my physical health and not my mental health.

I have Calm Harm installed in my phone to keep me distracted when i have the urge to you know..

I thought I was finally getting better but i guess i just went numb. I really don’t know how to describe it but i feel like it’s getting bad again by Ethan Jewell describes it really well. I can’t even recognise my own smile or laugh these past few weeks, it seems so foreign. Even hearing my own laugh sounds weird and alien.

Sorry if I burdened you with my feelings, i hope you’re taking care of yourself too

[Sophie_M]

Hey H-c,

Thank you for sharing this update to your thread. It’s a really proactive and strong step to take, sharing with the understanding people here like Croix and Geoff.

We just wanted to pop in and let you know we are here if you’d like to talk it through. We’d also really recommend asking for an appointment with a different GP. We know that’s a lot easier said than done when you’ve had a bad experience, but a good GP will really help you to find some support so that you don’t have to deal with so much of this on your own. Another option is to reach out to e-headspace, here.

Thanks again for sharing, H-c.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear H-C`

Woo Boy, that song with quiet piano accompaniment just hits the spot. I'd never heard it before so thank you for letting me know about it. There are times when only a song that echoes what's inside will do, anything else simply emphasizes the gap.

One thing - you are NOT easily replaced, whatever you may think. You are valuable, have experiences others cannot conceive of, and have had the resilience to keep on going no matter what.

One thing that can be a rough indicator of depression and anxiety is the K10 test you can take here, then show the results, together with a verbal or written account of how you are feeling to your GP. It does not prove anything, but can be useful to start a line of inquiry.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10

A pre-written account, particularly in dot form, gives you a list the doctor can see and work from. Can keep a professional focused.

No actually you do not burden me, in fact you give me encouragement, if you can weather all these storms then that gives a lot of hope.

Can you tell me about Calm Harm? It's not one I've heard of and I'm always interested in case something better comes along.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello H-c, I've also listened to 'it's getting bad again by Ethan Jewell' and it takes me back to the days when I was suffering but it's truly moving.

I feel absolutely sorry for anyone feeling the same way and thoroughly commiserate with you.

My sympathy and dearly hope I don't have to go through this again.

Geoff.

[H-c]

Thank you

[H-c]

Thank you for your kind words.
I did take the k10 test a while ago and it was in a very high range.

Calm harm is like an app that basically helps you take your mind off of bad things in a way? I try using it when i feel hopeless and want to self-harm to feel something. The app then would give me suggestions of what i could try such as drawing on the areas that i want to self-harm. Before the app I’d use rubber bands or ice to stimulate similar feelings but the app somewhat helps i guess.. phew that was kinda heavy sorry.