Suicidal Thoughts / Control Issues?

[Bella_Staffy_x_Doberman]

Hi,

So I'm not really sure where to start but in a way I'm a control freak I guess (I don't want to control other people) but I feel the need to have control of what happens to me.

For example I became rather unwell in late 2020 (Cerebellar Ataxia) I used to be able to walk like normal people now while I have made an improvement I still require the use of a walker to prevent falling over. I'm only 32 so yeah it was pretty scary having my life turned upside down.

Since I felt like I had no control I was Suicidal - which is nothing new to me I've tried a number of times of taking my life since I was about 5. I haven't tried for maybe 6 years now but I've often had thoughts when I feel like I have no control.

I'm pretty self aware I know it isn't 'normal' which is why I tell people I have these thoughts and people have thought I do it to black mail them - which isn't the case. I do it because I feel helpless and backed into a corner and it makes me want to regain control.
I've worked with a number of people about changing my ways but while I made improvements it's something that will take time to make changes I could write a few pages on why and what I feel but that's my issue I got to deal with not others... a bit side tracked sorry.

The issue tonight is Centrelink in all their wise choices are saying I must look for work (I'm on DSP) or I'll lose my payments - I'm not someone that just wants to collect money and do nothing with my life - I'd much rather work then not work but due to my health and treatments that I'm undergoing I can't.

I'm going to get my lovely wife to call centre link tomorrow and see if that can be changed... but at the end of the day I'd rather suicide then be forced into something that I'm not ready for.. Yes extreme and it's not something I want but at least I have some control and not forced into something I'm unable to do.

Thanks for those that reading.
~Regards R

[Sophie_M]

Hey Bella Staffy x Doberman,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story with us, We're so sorry to hear of your struggles with mental health and your recurring thoughts of suicide. We're also sorry to hear of your current exchanges with Centrelink, this sounds so stressful and dismissive to your needs. We'd like to let you know that we've sent a private response via email to offer some extra support.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We are sure many of our members can empathize with your story. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

[white knight]

Hi mate, welcome

Brief intro- bipolar, depression, etc attempted myself so has my sister, brother took his life in 1979, uncle did also. Had a roller coaster life. Now retired.

Centrelink reminds me of the defence forces and all large companies, in that we are really just a number and each generic letter/request lacks that non human element, no warmth nor understanding. For this reason it is easier to try to reach a goal, that being to accept it isnt personal at all just that they have, through their guidelines, decided that you fall under a certain umbrella in this case capable of employment.

At one stage in my life I was a little in the same boat. A breakdown, panic attacks etc and told to work. It wasnt until I was one week into my job that I realised it wasnt all that bad. As time went on I settled. Now, what I'm suggesting is that we can think we cant work but in reality it really depends on the job itself. I was at one time a disablility supervisor ina sheltered workshop and I found a job for all of them, some capable of more things than others etc. But I'm not here to tell you what you are capable of, I'm wanting to indicate that you can only do what you are capable of doing. Centrelink are not going to change things until you demonstrate things. Eg if you went for an interview with an employer, he/she will know if you are capable or not of the work, if not then you wont get the job. . Another example is that when you explain to that employer of your treatment commitments they will either agree or reject you for the job. Centrelink cant force employers to hire you but they can make you look for work.

In summary I think your anxiety is high about this new requirement for understandable reasons. It would be good to seek a GP appointment to chat as anxiety is a serious illness you might have a history of already.

It is sad that society make up many people that see us fragile types as attention seekers. I fell into telling everyone about my illnesses and it isnt a good idea because 80% of people just dont get it. That's why this site thrives for "birds of a feather flock together" concept. You are among your own here.

We can discuss your suicide tendencies next time as I'm low on character count. In the meantime here is a thread, if you can read the first post

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry

TonyWK