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Paranoia
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I really don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore . So long story short this is my third time typing this because i kept on accidentally deleting it
so I’m having these really intense paranoia these past few weeks and i dont know why. I know I’m not some important person but still. So I’m really paranoid about my security and i need to scan my phone with two different antivirus software to make sure that I dont have any malware or spyware on my phone. It’s not like I’m doing dodgy stuff but it’d be nice to be safe.
So i was out on a walk today and as i was walking i really didn't pay attention to my surrounding so i didn't see the aircon leaking water. So as i was walking the leaking water from the air condition happened to went into my eye. New fear unlocked!
i’m now really paranoid what if they can see what I’m seeing because they have a tracking device in the water? Is it possible? Can you track someone by putting droplets of water into their eyes? As in will you be able to see what they’re seeing? please help me i cant do this anymore
Being alive is starting to get really tiring.
note: kinda funny how my first thought when the leaking water went into my eye was that and not oh no what if i get an eye infection
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Dear H-c~
Maybe heavy but you have now given me the idea about the app and have managed to do it in a sensitive and sensible way that gives me the idea without going into too much detail that other might find distressing - thank you
That reminds me you probably know all this already but just in case there is something fresh Beyond Blue has a couple of things, the first is detailed, the second simple
I'm going to have a look at the app, anything that takes the mind of its downward path can be very useful. It's what I use Smiling Mind for.
The BeyondNow App is designed to give you suggestions of things to do too. You get to choose and fill them in, which can be hard if you cannot remember any when down. So I change the contents when I'm feeling good, and keep on changing them as times goes on and a I get sick of something and discover something else.
I'm going to put "it’s getting bad again" on there as it will remind me I'm not alone and others feel the same.
Do you mind if I ask about the ideas you had about others spying on you and maybe tracking you - are you still feeling that way to the same extent? I was rather hoping things might have quietened down for you a bit. Being on your guard like that all the time would be pretty exhausting
Croix
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Dear Croix,
It has quietened down but it hasn’t stopped. It gets worse at night when the thoughts are the loudest. Which lead me to try another coping mechanism which is self harm. Because of it Ive become really self conscious of myself. I don't know how to stop cause i feel like it’s the only thing I’m able to control..
It’s really exhausting and it’s getting harder and harder to pretend I’m fine, to try and act normal . It feels like I’m getting closer and closer to the edge with no way out, like the walls are closing in on me and the light is getting dim.
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Thank you for sharing with us here. We know it can be difficult but we think it can be a really powerful step towards feeling better.
We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through with the lovely counsellors there. A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 44, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer: It can be really tough to make the step to make a call but the people who answer the phone are kind and helpful. They speak to people about this everyday and can offer useful advice. You don't have to go through this alone.
Thanks again for sharing here, H-c.
Kind regards,
Sophie M
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Dear H-c~
I can understand where you are coming from, to not be in control is horrible. To feel you are being swept along by forces beyond you, and where all directions seem bleak. Everyone needs to be in control of their lives, at least mostly.
I know you do not have a high regard for the medical profession, at one stage I thought they were pretty useless -before I knew better.
I had problems wiht being in control. Actually I was very frightened if my partner tried to get me out of a flashback or nightmare I'd lash out and hurt her. I'd do outside in the real world what I was doing in the flashback. It seemed like I was a passenger being carried along with no say in matters.
Eventually things got so bad I did go to a doctor. This was no easy thing and I had to explain firstly about the flashbacks and secondly about fear of being violent. I'd sort of kept quiet about them before.
It turned out to be an excellent thing to do and I started to improve, and my wife knew more about risks. As the worry about this lessened so did the number of flashbacks and nightmares -not entirely but better. Happily I was never violent.
I think now I'd do some things different. First I'd go a lot earlier and save myself a load of ongoing grief.
Second I'd take osmeone wiht me, not only for comfort, but to drive afterwards, I was exhausted.
Third I'd take a few days and briefly write down in point form all that was wrong and the circumstances. This is something I've since done with new doctors. It helps a lot. You both have the list to work off - you can point out if something missed. Because you write in advance there is no way to chickening out on the embarrassing/frightening bits - otherwise I probably would have:)
You can see where I'm going with all this, though we have different problems
I know self-harm is something you feel you have control of. Actually like me you have more control of things than you realise. I found that I did have a choice to go to seek aid - even if it seemed all too hard
A point form list is way easier to deal with than explanations in a session, you end up mostly just answering questions about each point you wrote
In any session you are still in control and have the final say. Doctors can suggest, give info and all the rest. You get to judge if it is what you need, and if not discuss, and get them to try something else, or say stop!
You deserve a much better life than you have now. I did too and I'm now good. If I can I expect you can
Croix
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Dear H-c~
I'm just popping in to see how you are getting on. You sounded very stressed a day or so ago and I'm wondering if those nights are getting any better.
Do you have any sort of thing you do in the middle of the night to make yourself feel a bit better? (other than SH that is:)
Croix
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Dear Croix,
No i dont have any thing to help me cope with my thoughts in the middle of the night. I feel like everything i have built and worked for are crumbling right in front of me. The pieces of myself that I’ve tried so hard to pick up keeps on breaking into even smaller pieces and at a faster rate. I feel like i am no longer myself but just an empty shell. I really don’t know how longer i can hold onto this and frankly I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to return to my past self.
I don’t know how to describe it but i feel like the “can’t help myself” robot.
I just want to sleep forever maybe that way no one would get hurt and maybe then they’d have a massive burden lifted off their shoulders.
but why is there a small part of me that wants to live?
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Dear H-c~
"but why is there a small part of me that wants to live?"
Because that is your normal nature crammed and squashed up into a small part of you brain by depression that takes over as many thoughts as it can -like a cuckoo in some ways. Fortunately it has not been able to get rid of you, just make you forget huge parts of the world, and narrow down your focus to all the hopeless things that seemingly cannot be dealt with .
No, like me, you will not be able to return to your 'past self'. You will return to be a wiser more experienced being. A hard way to acquire wisdom, true. I'm not sure you'll understand but for me the most comforting phrase is "I've been here before". It means that for whatever is the current reason I've been this down before and have coped and survived.
I have probably mentioned something along these lines before however trying to defeat the “can’t help myself” robot head-on is not terribly practical. You need a plan and things laid out to grab wihtout thinking or much effort. Then in the middle of the night when it gets pretty hard you put your plan into action
It takes practice, like most worthwhile things do, and not seeming to get much benefit to start with is OK..
Mine is a go at Smiling Mind to break up the chain of dark self accusing and despairing thoughts. Then an alternative to think about before the chain re-starts. I store a selection of things on BeyondNow.
It's no use me saying you are not a burden if you think you are, that's just arguing. Let's look at it this way -OK so you can be a burden as times -so what? Other people need to offer help.
What goes around comes around. My partner helped me when I was very much a burden. Kept on for ages until I had reached a good recovery point. I was in her debt -though she did not see it that way.
Later on when she had a terminal illness I was able to be her strength, amusement and support, I was lucky, I could feel good about myself as a result.
If you do not get exactly the same opportunity then when you have reached a recovery stage help someone else.
Do you think that might make sense?
Croix
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Dear Croix,
sorry I stopped replying, I thought it was gone for good.
update: it’s getting really bad. I just read a news article on mi phones and how the company is collecting our personal data.. and now my paranoia is through the roof. I’ve been using that phone for two years and now I’m scared and anxious about my data being somewhere in the internet where people can access everything. I want to invest in a new phone but unfortunately I don’t have the budget for it.
(the article that I read was released on 2020 and I just read that now.. how dumb of me)
I don’t know what to do to manage this intense feeling of uncomfortableness and cant stop shaking. I tried the smiling mind app too and it didn’t help. I tried calm harm.didn’t help. I really don’t know what to do anymore
pls help me
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Dear H-c~
No worries about when you talk here, anytime you wish, with as many breaks as you wish too.
I'll try a little logic first, it probably is simply things you have thought of and dismissed, but maybe at some stage you might think it has a seed of truth in it.
This is indeed the information gathering age, however your phone is only a little bit of it, and not worth replacing because info gathering is all around.
Does it do any harm? Depends on the info, your bank account details sure, your preference in cars ot shampoo not really.
I guess if you followed though all my posts here since 2014 you would have a pretty complete idea of my life, but I"m comfortable with that as it helps others and no, my bank account details are not here:)
OK that's logic out the way.
In practical terms you have tried all the reasonable things to do, including getting advice here, phone apps and so on. Has done no good.
In order to have a happy life where you are not plagued by very unpleasant thoughts and fears (and react to them ) I'm afraid the next stage is a diagnosis from a doctor.
True you have had a bad experience, I'm lucky, I've only had a couple and mostly have had people who have known what they are doing, take me seriously, listen ot me and give me the proper treatment that suited me (both therapy and meds).
That treatment has, now that is the right one, done things for me I could never do for myself. I'm out of sight better.
Frankly I wish I'd gone earlier and been more truthful earlier. Still better late than never, it took longer as a result but is now good.
Not all doctors are the same, they have differing skills and interests. You are in charge. If you feel you are not being listened to or taken seriously after giving them a fair go then change to another -it is your decision.
I'd suggest before you do change you give them a chance and talk the matter over, if you think thay are not listening say so. If you think they are not taking you seriously show them your posts, or get them to agree to do better.
You do not have to be aggro about it, or worry overmuch, just explain calmly, (or write it down). I think you would be surprised at how many good doctors are out there, it's just a question of finding the right one for you.
Now I suspect that would not be any harder than long nights and unhappy days, things you have to deal with now.
I'm sorry I don't know of an easier path. I put it off and later became sorry I did
Croix
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Dear Croix,
Im not sure if my reply got through but long story short I may have unlocked my phone right as I put it down on my bed and it unlocked one second later due to my phone lagging and stuff. But why is there a small part of me that thinks someone is controlling my phone?
by the way is it possible to see a doctor without my parents knowing ? Is it possible to hide my condition forever? Also will i be able to get better without the help of medication?
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