On the road back

[DRAS]

I have a long history of depression and anxiety and some PTSD, i have struggled with it since i was a teenager, i have been off and on medication over the years, all different ones, and for some years i managed with out any medication, but over the last couple of months i have been spiraling down hill again, i had a loss of interest in everything i like doing before, i could not work out what i wanted to do, and then COVID hit and i was isolated for 3 months on my own, many times i thought about taking my life, as soon as i could i went to my parents place where my dad had been battling cancer for around 12 months, 3 days after i got there he died, mum seems to think he was just hanging in there till i could get there and see him one last time, he died at home with family around him, i watched my dad slip away, he looked peaceful, and more than anything i wanted to trade places with him, and the suicidal thoughts got stronger, i would wake up in the morning with really bad anxiety, by midday i was settled to a point and by night i would be in a deep depressed state.... i could not keep going like this, Yesterday i took my first steps to getting better, i went and seen a doctor, and have been put back on medication and have made a mental health plan and in one month i will be seeing a psychologist, today is just day 1 and i have taken my first tablet, i go back to the Dr's in one week to see how things are going.... i just wanted to share this with you all and i will try and keep you filled in on my progression in this post... for them that are in that dark place and don't know what to do, try what i have done and see your doctor, it can't hurt

[Not_Batman]

Hi DRAS

this is great news. Its not an overnight fix, but stick with it. One step at a time.

...well done!

the last time i got a blood test, the nurse was very rude to me. She took the needle, looked at me and called me a little pr*ck. 🙂 just a little joke to brighten your day!

Not_Batman

[DRAS]

day 8 today has not been really good, really bad thoughts have come back, and i have had to be sedated i little, dam rollercoaster ride, i so wish i was normal, i ask myself a lot, why me? why is this happening to me, why can't i have a little happiness in my life, i feel like it will never be that way, but i will keep trying, take each day as it comes,

[Not_Batman]

Hi DRAS

keep on track, and try to focus on the positives.

Roller coasters are supposed to be fun arent they? It can be more of a sock that has lost its elastic. You pull it up but it falls down, and the cycle continues. Thats annoying.

having that feeling of wishing for normality is, well normal. We want normality, we want to be happy and do things we enjoy. The ‘why me’ question, we’ve all been through that.

remember that you are in day 8, so its unlikely that you will be seeing any results yet. Keep pushing because You will return to happiness, you will return to normality, it just takes time, patience, and learning the skills.

i am very glad that you are still checking in.

Not_Batman

[DRAS]

Hi all
Just letting you know i am still around, the meds are starting to work i think, i am a lot calmer of a day and was able to manage some small tasks today..
on a down side, i am starting to get paranoid, i feel like people are watching me or watching the house, this is not something new to me and something i will bring up with the Doctor on the next visit, it's not as bad as its been in the past but still scary in the way its come on, in my younger days smoking weed and self medicating would bring this on, but i have not smoked any of that for some time and only taken what the doctor has prescribed, right now i am able to rationalize it and keep it under control, but in the past it has lead to psychosis and i don't want to go back down that rabbit hole...
my signs are normally: Depression, then comes the anxiety, the feeling of doom, then come the paranoia, then comes the psychosis, the psychosis is normally where i act on them thoughts of suicide...
i need to keep a record of all this and this is the best place i can think of doing it, i hope one day my last post will be "i'm doing well and back to normal" and because my memory is so bad in times like this i will be able to read back over it and remember the signs better and not leave it till i am having bad anxiety like i have this time...

To my future self: this is just one of them times, don't wait so long to see the doctor, even if your just feeling a bit down and having passing thoughts of giving up on life, see a doctor now...

[Not_Batman]

Hey DRAS.

excellent to hear.

its good that you have the courage to come clean about so many things. Im sure many of us will understand the situation.

keep pushing through.

Not_Batman

[DRAS]

Hi all
well we are getting up to week 2 i think it is.
i can say things are better, i am dealing better but i am still having problems, things like trying to find things that interest me, and still wondering what life has to offer me, there is still just a big blank there, the suicidal thoughts come but go, i am not dwelling on them, i really wish i had some enthusiasm to get in to something, find something i could get interested in and lots into that will occupy my mind in a positive way, another 2 weeks before i see the psychologist, i hope i can get some stuff sorted out there, till then one foot in front of the other, take each day as it comes and try and do a little of something each day

[Not_Batman]

DRAS, im so happy to hear that things are getting better. none of this will be fixed straight away, but sounds as though you are on the right track.

When i had my last major episode i lost interest in absolutely everything, and didn't have the patience or concentration for anything else. Now, im back into all those things, and there just isn't enough time in the day to do them all - the things you enjoyed will come back.

keep checking in!

Not_Batman

[DRAS]

Hi all
Sorry i haven't posted for a while.

Things have been going ok, i am having less anxiety and my mood has picked up a little, but i still feel lost in the world, i still don't know what i want to do in life now, i am still struggling to find something i would enjoy doing. i am still stuck in the mud so to speak but it's a lot more bearable now, my brain is not just thinking about all the worst possible scenarios in life witch it was doing before, i am starting to see little glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel, not a lot, but little flashes of "maybe" like maybe i could do this or maybe i could do that, but i am still lacking the motivation to go forward, and the maybe thoughts don't last long, i see the psychologist in one more week, maybe, there's that word again, but maybe they can help me sort some stuff out

[Not_Batman]

Hi DRAS

sounds positive, and headed in the right direction. WELL DONE!!

one step at a time, and that light will continue to grow.

celebrate every win you have throughout the day, pat yourself on the back for any achievement big or small.

Not_Batman

[AliasKind]

Hi DRAS, I find it so encouraging and courageous of you to post so openly about your history. Thank you. I've never known or met anyone that has ever had a psychosis and I have had more than one now. I'm in the midst of rebuilding my life and previously went through many months if not nearly a year of what your experiencing, lack of motivation, not getting any enjoyment, not wanting to do things. I'd really like to follow your journey. I wish you well and feel almost as though I'm virtually sitting beside you in support.

I hope you come back, the maybe's are a great sign (I think) glimmers of light. You've got this, I can feel it x