Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic · ‎16-06-2020

Hi,

since finding out my husband of 12 years cheated & lied to me for the whole relationship yet portraying himself as a champion of women & a totally devoted empathetic husband my life has gone from one disaster after another. My 21 year old son had seizures & was in icu in feb. Unknown cause & he still can’t drive, still going for lots of tests & specialist appts, my 2 cats died in the last 6 months. I had to put my beloved horse down last Friday. My job ends in 2 weeks & I don’t have another. And my now ex is being horrendous about the property settlement. I’ve had to hire a lawyer at $500 an hour to even get just 50% which the ex is only conceding to give me 44%. That’s the measure of his fake remorse. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Bullshit. There’s only so much you can take before your permanently damaged. I had an ultrasound to check a cyst yesterday & was disappointed to learn the cyst has shrunk. Ovarian cancer would have been a graceful way out of the shitstorm that is my life.

SarahZ · ‎07-07-2020

Hi Chumptastic,

Thanks for reaching out and being so raw with your emotions - that takes a lot of courage. I'm really sorry to hear about your husband's behaviour and all the pain and sorrow you must be currently feeling. Betrayal by someone you trusted so deeply is an indescribable feeling. I can't image how drained you must also feel dealing with your ex. The whole process sounds like a pain to deal with. I do agree the sterile layout of hospitals never feel that most comfortable to visit. However, please do try your best visiting a GP if you feel physically unwell. Do you have someone you're really close with you can talk to for a bit? Being alone with our thoughts can be helpful in thinking things out, but I always find venting out my frustrations to someone the most beneficial. Even though people might not have any advice, just getting rid of all these worries and just for someone to listen can be feel really relieving.

Please take good care of yourself. If you feel up to it, please continue updating us.

We will always be here listening to you and supporting you.

Jen_W · ‎07-07-2020

Hi Chumptastic -

I'm sorry to hear about what probably seems like an endless list of less-than-ideal things happening in your life. I feel like it's easy to do as well when I find myself listing all of the bad things. If it were just one thing, it wouldn't feel as bad, but when it feels like piles of crap, things can feel totally overwhelming.

As cliche as this will probably sound, try to look towards the positive things in your life. I know it's hard, and it doesn't seem like it will help, but if you try your hardest to think about your life from a different perspective, it can make all the difference. For example, it's awful to hear about your son and his seizures, but...he's still with you and alive. And even though your job has ended, and you don't have a new role yet, perhaps you can view it as a new opportunity to work on learning new skills or taking up a new role. And it's great news that your cyst has shrunk in size. That's definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. I know you wished for different, but if you add it to the good list rather than the bad, it can change your perspective.

Also...this is a big one - please give yourself heaps of credit for pushing through this. Not everyone is equipped with the tools or perseverance to keep on keeping on, but you have...and continue to do so. You are much stronger than you realise.

Hang in there, and do let us know how you are - regardless of how you feel 🙂

Jen

Chumptastic · ‎08-07-2020

Thank you all for your comments and support. I saw my GP on monday & he was helpful. I told him about the abuse during the relationship, something I hadn' told him about before. I feel very ashamed about it all. He's given me options (anti-psychotics/seeing a psychiatrist/hospital) but wants me to wait a week for the increased dose of anti-d to kick in. Yesterday was better day but today I woke up nauseous & dizzy and very down. Had too much to drink last night.The contract I was supposed to start last week has again been verbally confirmed but now there's confusion on total hours & the end date. Still haven't seen the contract. I'm in no fit state to work. Don't know what to do. finally sold the property I have with ex but as we havn't got a family law settlement the money will sit in a trust account until we work it out. Trying to sell engagement+wedding ring to pay my vet bills but no luck so far. I know there's billions of people worse off than me & I feel guilty feeling this way when I'm in such a better place than most. ANother rejection of a job application this morning - 3 so far. I've always been able to get a job no worries in the past so I'm getting v nervous about future now... Feel like such a failure. All my qualifications count for nothing in these times. I got my PhD during time I was with ex & I couldnt have done it without him, all the good things/times in my life were with him-& I haven't been this mentally unwell since 2003, before I met him. i thought he adored me but it was all a lie.. all the good times in my life happened with a narcissist that lied,& lied & lied. whole life has been either a fraud or unhappy/depressed. If I was well enough I'd put my plan into action. No way out.

Tangney · ‎08-07-2020

Hi Chumptastic. I've been through a similar betrayal as you have described. It was many years ago that my path crossed that of a pathological liar and sociopath. I has been about 14 years since I discovered the true situation. At the time it was very traumatic and effects of it still linger, but it's nowhere near as raw as it was during that first year and I am now able to go for long periods without thinking about it at all. I hope it doesn't take you too long for you to get to a place where this person has no longer has any power in your life. It's easier said than done, but you will make it. I still wonder how I was so badly duped and I lost confidence in my own judgement. The memory of the pain and humiliation of it is something I don't like to recall. It was a horrible time in my life so if that was anything like what you're now going through, my heart goes out to you. I'm also unemployed at the moment and understand how you feel about your qualifications seemingly counting for nothing. I haven't applied for any work for several weeks now, as I've lost all hope and have been badly affected by the many knock backs, so all power to you for continuing to push through it. I wish I could do the same. I hope you are able to find some medication and support that will see you over this hump and on to a better future.

Chumptastic · ‎08-07-2020

Thanks Tangney, I'm glad you were able to work thru the betrayal enough to not think about it daily. I hope I'm able to do that one day. It will take years and years. I still feel so stupid about being so duped for so long. I don't think anyone who hasn't been thru this has any idea how damaging it is. I didn't that's for sure. There's still a part of me that loves & misses him & what we had, But it was all lies and not real. That really hurts. And the rejection from the job appl is really a downer. And my horse dying. And nothing getting better

Chumptastic · ‎09-07-2020

Went to GP yesterday & told him of my suicidal thoughts. He said I probably need hospital. But I said I need to work. He gave me some meds & a letter to take to hospital if I need to go & made me promise not to harm myself before I saw him on Friday. I took the meds last night & woke up feeling v dizzy v v down & vvv suicidal. In bed wishing I wasn’t here at all. Can’t do anything

Sophie_M · ‎09-07-2020

Dear Chumptastic,

Thank you for showing such bravery in sharing this with us. We are so sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now.

Our support service is trying to get in touch as we are worried about you.

Please keep checking in a letting us know how you're feeling whenever you are up to it.

Lillipilli80 · ‎09-07-2020

Hi Chumptastic,

I'm so sorry to read about the really difficult path you are travelling right now. I hope you have been in contact with the BB support service, how are you feeling today?

I can relate to your experience. My world collapsed around me and I was the one left to carry the load plus try to process the betrayal, its so hard. That feeling of being duped, having the wool pulled over your eyes is so painful. The love probably was real at some point, only you would know that in your heart.

As others have said it's the first year after such a traumatic breakup that is the hardest. You are doing so well in an impossible situation. One thing I can share with you is that although it is hard to hear, you will be stronger because of it, it's only when you are faced with the most challenging times that you grow the most. You might not want it but thats whats happening, your son will see you being strong and he will respect you for that. Just take one day at a time.

You sound like a very intelligent caring and loving person and mother. Keep reaching out for support and we are here for you.

leesy_lou · ‎09-07-2020

Hi Chumptastic,

The level of hardship you have faced since finding out about your husbands huge betrayal does sound incredible devastating, impossible to put into words. I pain of having to discover some truths about your husband and your relationship is a huge loss, followed by the loss of your horse and your job. I can imagine life without these supports is far from easy and incredible foreign. This things likely made up parts of you as a person so having to re-discover yourself without them is extremely bizarre and vulnerable. You mentioned not knowing you were are or Know that you are still you, under all those layers of people, places, and feeling you were always you and you still are. Maybe now its hard to see but I assure you with time you will grow to become more familiar with yourself again ❤️ Is their anything at the moment that makes you feel a little bit like you?

I hear you saying that the thoughts of suicide are stronger today, that you are tired and that your physically feeling dizzy and unwell. I also hear your GP has suggested you go to the hospital but you need to work and you dont really like the hospital environment which are both understandable. But I'm concerned about you at the moment and your safety, protecting you from these thoughts at this particular moment is important. You mentioned that the pain you carry is heavy but that ended it all and placing pain on your children is not an option for you. I also hear so many glimpses of hope for a better future for yourself, in your ability to continually show up day in day out on this forum and with your GP. That despite the pain you want to live. Considering this, how can we all support you to make a plan to keep you safe from these thoughts today? Is safe planning something you have done in the past?

Deep breaths ❤️

Chumptastic · ‎09-07-2020

Thank you LP

just spoke with BB counsellor who connected me to nsw mental health nurse who sounded really annoyed not compassionate at all. Feel worse and scared for having spoken to her. She basically said if I don’t go to hospital willingly she’ll get the ambulance which is my worst nightmare so humiliating. I told her o have a Skype psych apppt for 1.30 today & she said she’ll call me after that. I want to wait Until my Gp appointment tomorrow to go to hospital he is the only one I trust He’s been ther for me through earlier breakdowns n I want to wait for my appt then. Should have lied to her about how I feel. She’s made it worse.