My son attempted suicide

[Siena_Rose]

Hello, the other night my 18 year old son attempted to take his life.

This is his third suicide attempt that I know of. He says leading up to the episodes he hears voices in his head. They make him scared and he runs. The voices seem to be triggered by alcohol and/or a fight with his ex-girlfriend who he can’t let go of. She taunts him, takes him back one night, then ghosts him the next. Last weekend, he caught his friend in bed together which triggered the latest attempt. She sends nudes to her ex, then takes my son back into her bed. He took a job in another state and looked forward to a new start, but she followed him there. I have just driven hours to bring him home. He can’t see what she’s doing to him and still loves her. It’s like he’s obsessed. What’s worse is the times he feels the strength to make a break from the ex, he gets messages from her sister. He’s on depression meds but we are organising a psychiatrist to review him and re-think meds/diagnoses. I wonder if anyone has experience in how to cope with this kind of thing?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your post is one of the most difficult problems I've faced in 10 years of being here. Essentially we Community Champions are people that have "lived experiences" , not of a professional mental health background.  So, yes I've made an attempt back in 1996 and in my youth became obsessed with a girlfriend and yes, I've had family members that have stalked a bit. So there are parallels there but not a lot. I've also got a working history of legal matter, investigations etc.

To my knowledge there is the AVO a court can issue that, if your son agrees, could keep her and her family away from him for a period of time eg 12 months. But he must want it and regardless of all the taunting there is still an element of his input present, eg to sleep with her etc. Clearly she is taunting him in a kind of teasing manner and as he is somewhat obsessed with her, he doesnt have the power to break it off. 

If the authorities didnt suggest it, he would be entitled to 10 free mental health appointments with a professional, I strongly advise to take this offer up either through them or through his GP.

Although he is an adult, at only 18yo I think it feasible for you to visit her mother and talk to her, tell her of the seriousness of you sons health issues and ask them to break all contact, we are talking about a life or death situations here after all. 

My only other thought and concern is that his ex GF would have only followed him to another country if he told her where he was going which kind of defeats the purpose of "getting away from her". So if he is serious about breaking all contact he must be prepared to do so.

TonyWK

[Siena_Rose]

Thank you TonyWK, I do appreciate your speedy and empathetic response. Our lovely GP is currently building a mental health plan for him including the psychology sessions and a referral to a psychiatrist - which could take months, but we need to address the ‘voices’ in his head. I will take your advice to visit the mother and gently discuss the seriousness of breaking the ties. I’ll do anything to keep my son alive. Thank you again.

[therising]

Hi Siena_Rose

As a loving mum myself, my heart goes out to you regarding such a stressful and heartbreaking time. How to help your child through one of the worst times in their life, if not the worst time, would have to be one of the ultimate tests as a parent. When needing the most guidance, how to best guide them becomes the question.

While Tony offers great guidance in the way forward, at the same time I can't help but wonder whether your son's addicted to this girl in some way. May sound strange but we can be addicted to anything or anyone who gives us a high, including the things or people who can be so bad for our mental, physical and soulful sense of well being. For whatever reasons lead her to do what she does, it sounds like she has some soul destroying behaviours that your son suffers horribly through. If he's a deeply sensitive kind of guy, I imagine he feels these elements incredibly deeply.

I'm also wondering whether your son hears audible voices or what he's hearing is extremely overwhelming inner dialogue that seems or feels like a voice. I was actually just talking to someone today about the 'you' factor, when it comes to inner dialogue. I've spoken to a number of people about this factor and many express not having been fully conscious of it until asked. I've actually found that it's not all that uncommon, which is strange. In regard to how the 'you' factor plays out in depression in particular, while we could ask the depressing question 'What's wrong with me?', what may come to mind for some in response is simply 'I am hopeless, I'm pathetic' etc. On the other hand, when some people ask the question, while in deep depression, 'What's wrong with me?' what may come to mind for them (in the form of inner dialogue) is 'You are hopeless, you're pathetic. You are a waste of space. Why are you even here? What is the point in you being here?'. On a much lighter note, we might hear it when perplexed about whether to resign from a stressful job 'You have got to leave this job. It's destroying you'. So, good and constructive guidance. While 'I' feels like it's coming from our self, 'You' and variations on that can feel like confirmation in a way, coming from something other than our self. Another example, 'Am I a horrible person?' can get the response of 'You know you're a horrible person and that's why everyone hates you'. The inner dialogue can become so brutal and so convincing, while helping confirm our fears, our sense of hopelessness and so much more. I wonder whether what your son may have heard, when deciding to re-establish himself overseas was something like 'You got this. You can do it. You know this is going to be good for you'.

I've found a number of strategies for helping to manage really brutal inner dialogue. Perhaps it might pay to find out whether that's what your son's facing or if, as mentioned, he's hearing audible voices that sound like they're coming from outside of himself.  

[Siena_Rose]

Thank you so much for your insight. I agree, there is an addiction factor. He’s lucky that he has some amazing friends, a really lovely young group of boys (18-yr-old men!) that will help support him. And I look forward to the discussion with the doctor about the voices and his other symptoms. I really appreciate your detailed response. The mind is fascinating and complex!

[therising]

Hi Siena_Rose

I'm so glad your son has such a great collection of people around him, some really good guides and supports, of course yourself included. I've found gaining greater self understanding to be one of the most rewarding ways in which to graduate throughout life. I hope your son's able to gain whole new levels of insight that lead him to feel inspired while giving him a sense of direction.

It's strange hey, how sometimes we never consider people to be addictive. It's more so drugs, alcohol, social media and all that kind of stuff. With people, it's like we can get a high off their energy, get a hit off some of the things they can say to us, get a buzz when it comes to the ways they inspire and excite us and the list goes on. Simply seeing them can generate some dopamine at times. Just like with certain drugs, it can be hard to break the habit of certain people, no matter how bad they may be for us.

I hope you gain relief for yourself while watching your son evolve through this incredibly tough time in his life. Loving our kids so deeply can present the greatest challenge at times, especially when we witness and feel their sufferance.