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My inner demons are winning
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TW Suicidal ideations and urges
here we are once again, waking up feeling like crap then to have my inner demons shouting like hell inside my head… no one truly understand the feeling that one goes thru in moments like this… so let me tell describe what or how I’m feeling when I’m struggling…
More than often it’s starts with feeling anxious upon waking up. When I say anxious, it means im abit on the edge that it’s like there’s an immediate threat towards myself. Some of the time it settles down when I fully wake up which can last upto 2hrs upon waking up. If it doesn’t, then my demons starts waking up. When I say demons, it’s the suicidal ideations in my head. Not long after they wake up comes the urge to act on it… the urge is like an itch or pressure inside me, if you scratch it(act on the thought) I feel some relief but the downside is that if wanna keep doing it just to relieve that pressure. If I don’t act on the thought, they will go for a little bit but comes back 10x worse than the last which means it just keeps building up until I can’t handle it anymore.., and more than often I I’d give in to just feel some relief. Then it start all over again during the day… I can go many cycles (short intervals) in a day but sometimes I only get a few long cycles which is worse than having little ones…
I do feel ashamed of what I’m doing to myself specially when people knows about it. Hence I try to keep to myself which then brings the isolation… which leads to loneliness then lead to an attempt…
I currently feel that I’m in the brink of really giving in to these demons in my head… work can just keep me safe for 8hrs but after that? It’ll be hard to not act on the urge… I live alone and coz I’ve distanced myself from people including my family , that no one will think or wonder if I’m okay or not. Perfect setting for the ending of a sad story, my story.
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Thank you for being honest here, and sharing an update to let us know what's going on for you right now. We're concerned about you so we'll shortly be reachign out to you privately. Please check your inbox. Alternatively, we'd love for you to reach us directly on 1300 22 4636 or online.
If this becomes an emergency, please call 000 (triple zero), or present to the hospital emergency department. There's also Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467.
We're here for you 24/7, Pocketrocket88. We really appreciate the strength it would've taken to share this post, so thank you.
Kind regards,
Sophie M
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PocketRocket88,
I understand it’s really hard I really do understand….
I think it’s fantastic you are trying to be in a positive space at work well done and keep trying… perseverance pays off…….. feed your mind with positive thoughts.
Feed the light inside you once you feed it, it will become stronger than the darkness:
I am the LIGHT
I am STRONG
I am in CONTROL
I am POWERFUL
I am LOVE
Hit those demons back with intension! Believe in the positive and begin to turn your ship around and direct it into the light.
Let me gently remind you that you are not your thoughts you are the observer of your thoughts and YOU are in control.
The loud intrusive thoughts will not win you will prevail!
The phoenix does rise from the ashes.
You are stronger than you think and you aren’t going anywhere…… where there is a will there is a way. 🙏
Keep fighting back ……. the future YOU is going to thank you for not giving up.💪
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Hi PocketRocket88
Those inner demons definitely sound like they've turned the volume up (the intensity and frequency/how often they're messing with you). It's absolutely horrible how relentless that inner dialogue can be. Really wears a person down. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that endurance and exhaustion can be major factors in the battle. The exhaustion can make things so much harder.
Might sound a bit strange but imagine you could talk to your inner demons. What would you say to them? Would you call them out on their torture? Maybe something like 'I know what you're up to. Stop messing with my head. Stop messing with my imagination, leading me to see things in my mind I don't want to see'. Not sure, what do you think? What would you say to them? Not sure if you'd use a few firm expletives in your dialogue. Up to you.
Easy to access 'inner demons' at times, especially in depression. So much harder to access 'inner angels'. You know the kind of dialogue that you can feel lifting you up. Might be some time since you last heard it or really felt it. Might be something like 'You can do this. You can make it through another day. You've done it before and you can do it again' or perhaps something like 'Maybe get on the BB forums. Might lead you to feel a bit better, even if it's just to make a connection'.
Intuition can be so hard to hear when the dark dialogue is absolutely overwhelming, at its worst. Whether destructive or angelic, both lots of dialogue are heartfelt. One leads the heart to feel broken, the other leads the heart to come to life.
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Had a busy week/past few days and it's good coz it kept me safe and was able to somewhat block out my inner demons... Although it doesn't give me that slither of hope for my future...
My inner demons are relentless and is obvious that it want me to let go and give into these thoughts and urges...
I feel that slowly Im slipping into the temptation to see what my inner demons are about... Probably only then I will understand but then there's no guarantee that I will come out alive when I do...
I went and visited my parents the other day and my heart broke when I saw my mum's state...d I don't think I'm able to bear the fact that she's suffering as it is... What got me more is that one day, I have to say goodbye and I don't think I can live with that...
I'm mentally exhausted from fighting...
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Hi PocketRocket88,
I'm so sorry that you have to constantly endure this inner dialogue and continually fight your thoughts and deal with the effect it is having on you. Please know that we are here for you and want to support you. Know also that you can get better. The wonderful people here on BB are proof of that.
I experience intrusive thoughts that loop around in my head constantly and have been battling them for a couple of years - related to a break-up. While this is nowhere near what you are going through, I thought I would tell you what has been working for me as a suggestion for you.
When I have these thoughts, I tell myself 'The only power my thoughts have is the attention I give to them, If I give them no attention, they lose their power'. Sometimes, I repeat it like a mantra until the thoughts go away. I've found the thoughts do tend to go away and diminish in frequency. I try not to give them any 'airtime'. I also observe object, colours and things around me and repeat them in my head. This distracts me from the thoughts. I'm sure you've probably tried these things, but if not they might be worth a go.
Maybe a trip to the GP for a mental health plan if that is not something you are already doing. If you ever feel unsafe, dial 000 or go to the hospital. Make sure you've got that plan in place.
You CAN get through this PocketRocket88.
WF
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Hi PocketRocket88,
I'm glad to hear you had a good shift at work and you are working out a system that is mostly working with your meds.
The good thing about work is that it provides a distraction for your mind to focus on something else for a bit. I think it is also about being present in the moment, single focus with your concentration - do this, then do that - sort of thing. I painted my entire house on weekends and days off for that reason and it calmed my mind because of the need to focus and the attention to detail required.
The transitions after work, being between tasks, and during downtime can be bad though. It feels sometimes as if those thoughts and urges are sitting there in the background just waiting for their opportunity to jump in. My tactics for those times, I tell the thoughts off, 'No, I'm not listening to you right now', tell them to go away, and I also plan ahead to think about something else or do something that requires concentration - something that will hold my interest. Do you have any things like that? Stuff you are interested in or like to do? (Feel free not to answer if you don't want to). I know we are all different and what works for one person might not work for another person and what you are going through is a lot deeper than my issues. Just offering some ideas for you.
Talking to professionals about what's underlying in this for you and addressing it might help, though I feel this is probably something you might be doing already.
Keep moving forward PocketRocket88.
WF
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TW STRONG SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES
I'm currently at work right now and this is probably from the exhaustion and lack of sleep but these inner demons are making so much racket in my head that I'm finding it hard to control it... They just wouldn't shut up... If I ignore them they seem to get louder but if I try to give it some attention it just nags me with negative ideas... I've had my meds and all and yet that seemed to not be helping at all ATM... I'm worried and afraid of what could happen after this shift or even whilst on shift.. should I alert my manager about it??? I just don't want to be a burden nor get any special treatment... I'm totally stuck as to what to do right now... Distraction seemed to be not helping much as I would like it to be... it feels like there's no end to this madness...
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Hi PocketRocket88,
I hope you got through your shift okay. If you didn't, don't be too hard on yourself. Your manager is likely to understand and you have to look after yourself first in those situations. Distraction doesn't work every time and maybe your meds hadn't kicked in yet. Maybe it's about finding the right combination of things to help you feel better - meds, techniques, professionals. You had a fairly good day yesterday and tomorrow might be better too. Hang in there PocketRocket88 and remember your safety plan if you need it.
WF
