My inner demons are winning

PocketRocket88 · ‎10-09-2022

TW Suicidal ideations and urges

here we are once again, waking up feeling like crap then to have my inner demons shouting like hell inside my head… no one truly understand the feeling that one goes thru in moments like this… so let me tell describe what or how I’m feeling when I’m struggling…

More than often it’s starts with feeling anxious upon waking up. When I say anxious, it means im abit on the edge that it’s like there’s an immediate threat towards myself. Some of the time it settles down when I fully wake up which can last upto 2hrs upon waking up. If it doesn’t, then my demons starts waking up. When I say demons, it’s the suicidal ideations in my head. Not long after they wake up comes the urge to act on it… the urge is like an itch or pressure inside me, if you scratch it(act on the thought) I feel some relief but the downside is that if wanna keep doing it just to relieve that pressure. If I don’t act on the thought, they will go for a little bit but comes back 10x worse than the last which means it just keeps building up until I can’t handle it anymore.., and more than often I I’d give in to just feel some relief. Then it start all over again during the day… I can go many cycles (short intervals) in a day but sometimes I only get a few long cycles which is worse than having little ones…

I do feel ashamed of what I’m doing to myself specially when people knows about it. Hence I try to keep to myself which then brings the isolation… which leads to loneliness then lead to an attempt…

I currently feel that I’m in the brink of really giving in to these demons in my head… work can just keep me safe for 8hrs but after that? It’ll be hard to not act on the urge… I live alone and coz I’ve distanced myself from people including my family , that no one will think or wonder if I’m okay or not. Perfect setting for the ending of a sad story, my story.

PocketRocket88 · ‎11-09-2022

Finished work now and the day hasn't ended yet... I'm still stuck in that mindset where my inner demons are taking hold of me... I don't know how long I can hold it off... I probably need to force myself to sleep but for that to happen I have to take my sleeping meds but then that's when it becomes tricky and dangerous coz I often times find myself worrying I may take too many .. Hence why I'm trying not to take them but the longer I stay awake the more dangerous it gets as well... I might end up letting my mind eat me whole from inside out... So I'm at that crossroad of whether to take the risk of taking meds or not taking them... I tried using the pros and cons that I learned at the DBT therapy and it's seemed like taking the risk of taking them is winning....

Petal22 · ‎11-09-2022

Hi PocketRocket88,

I understand it’s so hard when our intrusive thoughts try to take over it can be unrelenting at times.

Have you thought about seeking professional help for what you are enduring?

If things escalate for you can seek professional help immediately.

I understand that you are worried that you may take too many sleeping tablets if you where to take them……. I understand that this in it’s self would be worrying for you.

Again I strongly encourage you to seek professional help for what you are enduring I understand how hard it is and it’s something you don’t have to go through alone.

There are health professionals who can help you.

Please come back to us when you are ready.

PocketRocket88 · ‎12-09-2022

Music help somehow silence these inner demons but once the music stops they come screaming loudly that it's hard to concentrate and control these thoughts and urges...

Tonight isy first overnight shift at work, don't know how I'm gonna cope but one things shouting in my brain and that is to 'jump and just let go... Yes it's a selfish act but i don't really have much choice'. So being at work tonight will be extra challenging coz my brain might say jump now but when I get on shift, it might turn to cut yourself in the right spot and claim it as an accident... So I think I am in a bit of pickle now ... It's gotten to a point when I'm ready to just let go and give in... I can't keep running my life like this in constant paina dn agony.... A slight relief would be good right now but I don't think it'll come tho...

PocketRocket88 · ‎13-09-2022

I slept thru most of the morning today coz I didn’t get home til after 7am today after doing a overnight shift.

I hav even asked to one again tonight and I said yes… I’m so tired and exhausted which is not good with managing my ideations and urges… believes me when I say that it’s pretty loud in there…. I can’t seem to quiet it down no matter how hard I try…. It just keep shouting ‘ everyone is better off once I’m gone.

Petal22 · ‎13-09-2022

I understand it’s hard PocketRocket88.

When you have these thoughts can you try to redirect your attention onto something else in the present moment.

Mindfulness is great for redirecting our attention.

Meditation is also a very effective skill to learn, have you practiced this?

Meditation can teach us to be the observer of our thoughts so we don’t get caught up in them.

I learned that these types of thoughts can accompany anxiety and depression.

With the correct professional help they can lift for you.

PocketRocket88 · ‎13-09-2022

My mind is too active that mindfulness or directing my thoughts to the now seemed to be challenging...

I am trying my best to challenge the thought but as I said before my version of reality points me towards the negative thought which is to end this now coz nothing good will come out of this, just more heartache pain and suffering... When you have those in your head, wouldnt you just believe it coz it makes sense... Like who wants to live like this? In a constant spin and battle with your mind... Wouldn't you just want to be free from all this and for you to achieve is good support or ending one's life? I sure am not getting good stable supports at the moment and so the easy and probably the cowardly thing to do is to take everything in my own hands... It's a selfish act...

PocketRocket88 · ‎14-09-2022

My inner demons are shouting loudly in my head even whilst at work or keeping myself busy with work... I can't seem to tone it down.. the other problem is that these demons are highly impulsive which mean don't really know if I'm safe even whilst at work.. I mean I can only try my best...

therising · ‎14-09-2022

Hi PocketRocket88

I wish there something I could say that would lead those inner demons to suddenly disappear, so that you could find the freedom you're so desperately longing for, the freedom you deserve.

Sounds a little out there but wondering if you could manage talking to them in a way, in your mind. You could try using words such as 'Shut the hell up!!!' or 'Get the hell out of my head!!!'. If words are powerful enough to bring us down, they can be powerful in other ways too. Finding the right combination of words can work. Using the right tone is important too, a commanding tone as opposed to simply a wishful one. Even using strong language (some pretty intense swear words) can help convey a strong message. If such a management strategy works for 5 minutes at a time, that's 5 minutes of peace. That could extend beyond 5 minutes, with regular practice in ways that work. If 'Get the hell out of my head!!!' doesn't work, maybe it needs to be extended. 'Get the hell out of my head. I am a truly beautiful person who deserves better than listening to this depressing stuff. Now, go away!'.

PocketRocket, I find a part of myself I need to manage fairly regularly is 'the people pleaser'. I talk to the people pleaser in me in ways that can make a constructive difference. It can be one of my so called 'demons', holding me back at times from creating a form of heaven on earth. If constructive confrontation with another person is what's needed (for myself and/or others to evolve beyond what doesn't serve), the people pleaser in me will dictate 'You can't rock the boat. That person won't like you if you upset them. Just suppress how you feel, push those feelings down'. To that I say 'Shut the hell up. I'm moving forward' or, where other's are concerned, 'We're moving forward'.

Perhaps it's the role of our inner demons to stop us from moving forward. Gee, they do a good job at times. I've found, it's within a state of enlightenment, where something is brought to light, they can't survive. Inner demons are in no way a fan of positive mind altering revelations🙂

Petal22 · ‎14-09-2022

Hi PocketRocket88,

I understand that what is going in inside your mind is very very tormenting I really understand it’s such a cruel thing to go through it’s unrelenting.

But YOU are so much stronger than what is going on inside your mind really you are.

Don’t give into these horrible thoughts please once YOU firmly decide to fight back you will and you will WIN.

There is a great life waiting for you on the other side of this really there is, what you are going through right now is temporary and you will recover….. this isn’t a life sentence….

I understand that you are finding mindfulness challenging at the moment and that’s ok but you need to keep persevering with it.

You really can train your attention to be where you want it to be… it just takes practice.

Something I do regularly is just focus on my breath when my mind wonders I bring it back to my breath….. I do this daily sometimes for 10 minutes sometimes longer….. the more you practice it the stronger your attention will be and then YOU get to decide where you want your attention to be.
Please practice exercising your attention….. it’s like a muscle it needs exercise.

When you learn this skill you will begin to be able to move your attention away more quickly from your intrusive thoughts.

Also with the skill of meditation it will teach you just to sit back and observe your thoughts and not get caught up in them or follow them.

With practice you will be able to soar like a eagle around what’s happening inside your mind without becoming identified with it or attached to it.

Please let me know if you need help choosing a meditation.

Your thoughts can tell you what they like but YOU get to choose how you will react to these thoughts…….. this is where your “ power “ is.

If your thoughts are being loud and intrusive you could simply choose to not give them your attention and to just maybe say something calmly like “ oh gee brain is that all you have got”…

Once you stop feeding these thoughts with your attention they will slowly drop off.

Dont give into them because YOU have a light inside you that can’t be dimmed.

EMPOWER your light…….. and you WILL outshine any darkness.

❤️🙏💪

Petal22 · ‎14-09-2022

I read this quote this morning and thought of you:

Between the trigger and the response is a space ……

In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response, lies our growth and our freedom.