My inner demons are winning

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations and urges

here we are once again, waking up feeling like crap then to have my inner demons shouting like hell inside my head… no one truly understand the feeling that one goes thru in moments like this… so let me tell describe what or how I’m feeling when I’m struggling…

More than often it’s starts with feeling anxious upon waking up. When I say anxious, it means im abit on the edge that it’s like there’s an immediate threat towards myself. Some of the time it settles down when I fully wake up which can last upto 2hrs upon waking up. If it doesn’t, then my demons starts waking up. When I say demons, it’s the suicidal ideations in my head. Not long after they wake up comes the urge to act on it… the urge is like an itch or pressure inside me, if you scratch it(act on the thought) I feel some relief but the downside is that if wanna keep doing it just to relieve that pressure. If I don’t act on the thought, they will go for a little bit but comes back 10x worse than the last which means it just keeps building up until I can’t handle it anymore.., and more than often I I’d give in to just feel some relief. Then it start all over again during the day… I can go many cycles (short intervals) in a day but sometimes I only get a few long cycles which is worse than having little ones…

I do feel ashamed of what I’m doing to myself specially when people knows about it. Hence I try to keep to myself which then brings the isolation… which leads to loneliness then lead to an attempt… 

I currently feel that I’m in the brink of really giving in to these demons in my head… work can just keep me safe for 8hrs but after that? It’ll be hard to not act on the urge… I live alone and coz I’ve distanced myself from people including my family , that no one will think or wonder if I’m okay or not. Perfect setting for the ending of a sad story, my story.

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

Definitely a couple of tough and tormenting questions, 'What do I need for things to get better?' and 'What should I be doing to help myself?'. Of course, they're only tormenting when there are no obvious answers.

The 1st, 'What do I need for things to get better?'. Based on my own experience, I'd say there is a need to search for the things we can relate to and the things we desire more than anything. If I desire, more than anything, the opportunity to vent about how deeply depressed I am at a particular time, there needs to be someone who can fulfill that desire for me, so that I can feel what 'better' feels like. What I don't need is for someone to tell me to stop being so negative. Or if I need to make better sense of the depressing challenge I face, so that I can manage what I finally come to better understand, what I don't need are people telling me 'You need to stop over analysing everything'. How could I possibly feel 'better' when all I am left to feel is an angering or depressing 'shutdown'. Hate that feeling.

I found 'What should I be doing to help myself?' was a question more easily answered only when I first realised I have no idea who I am. I can recall the day I woke up to the fact I am not my depression. I am not this angry, sad, hopeless, worthless etc etc person. Those traits belong to depression, not me. They are not my traits. We can be led to believe we are all the things people have convinced us of but in many cases how we are defined by others can be far from the truth. For example, for decades I was led to believe my sensitivity to be a weakness and therefor believed myself to be weak and broken. It was only a few years ago (I'm 52 now) that I came to see sensitivity as an ability. I have the ability to sense or get a feel for just about everything that's depressing, something insensitive people can't do. Lucky them, hey.

So, the question could be 'Am I a natural sensitive/feeler, who is eager to begin learning the skills and abilities of a natural sensitive, so that I'm am not led to suffer through everything I feel?'.