Just need to vent in a safe place.

[Skippy_07]

Hello,

Why does this fight feel like it’s a battle that can’t be won, I’m tired, I’m not sleeping well at night, guess I just want to share as text as I find it hard talking by voice physically or virtually

This nightly nausea (that fuzzy uncomfortable feeling you get seconds before vomiting but for hours) I have had since I was a kid and been stupid I use to hide it from my parents until my late teens and even now they only know about it when it’s really bad.

then sensory issues on top where the sound of people eating, coughing, yawning, sneezing or heavy breathing makes me so uncomfortable and agitated, even after that sound is over I can still hear it as clear as if it was still happening for a range of time after making me even more agitated

I seen my GP (he kept making a sucking sound between each sentence I wanted to say something but was to scared, by the end of the appt I was extremely edgy) yesterday to explain I’m starting to feel scared Im going to lash out as I have already started snapping back with no control it happens so fast I don’t get the chance even stop my self from doing it by mimicking the sound but in a really aggressive tone. The GP recommended me a few things like breathing exercises, grounding and even using a rubber band to snap on my wrist I know it’s not been long but the rubber band snapping sort of helps me but I find my self getting really snap happy if the feeling is bad then it stings for awhile after

I struggle to focus on things I want to enjoy or did enjoy like programming, drawing I just lose focus within a few seconds to a minute even if I really want todo it then I get really agitated and upset at myself

People say if you are unsafe to go to a hospital but my last experience was traumatic I know what I heard, a nurse saying I wasting there resources and if I was going to do it I would just do it, but now I’m questioning if that was a delusion from not sleeping in over 48 hours and that’s making me question if I’m attention seeking even though I hesitate to tell anyone how I feel, hospital investigated the complaint my GP lodged and they ended up apologising for how I was treated but even with that I don’t think I could ever go to one again even for a physical emergency, eg I was choking 2 weeks ago I forced my self to clear it my self was really scary but I’d choose that option over asking for help. I try to plan my words and actions carefully to avoid a hospital visit at all costs now

thanks for reading my vent

[Skippy_07]

Hi Banksy92

Thanks so much for responding to my ramblings 🙂 I have made some changes to try and clam my self down I have set timers for daily meditation time where even if I'm feeling really happy I'll take 5 mins and just sit down and close my eyes and bring my focus to my breathing and just breath clearing my mind, also trying to do morning walks again. I also changed the rubber bands on my wrist to bright coloured ones so I can see and remember its there to use when its needed.

I no longer have a psychologist atm as I have used up all my 12 appointments under the Mental Health Care plan. when I see the doctor in 2 weeks I'll have to ask him what's the best way moving forward to make sure I don't start going backwards as the last 6 months as been a lot of really hard work.

I also found a better app for tracking mood and goals, I'm using it more like a bullet log where when my mood changes good or bad I select the mood level rad,good,meh,bad,awful and just give it one sentence on what I'm doing at the time. I'm hoping this will allow me to see what things change my mood and hopefully allow me to work on strategies on handling what's going on. I also lowered my goals to try and be just a little more realistic with OCD and a little perfectionism I did set goals that where completely unrealistic. (I had a friend check my new goals to make sure they where realistic and achievable)

[Skippy_07]

Trying todo the right thing, trying to better my self just seems so hard and a battle that might not be worth fighting.

I try and eat healthy and keep within a reasonable amount of daily KJ it’s extremely hard and takes soo much willpower not to eat comfort food through the day and doing 30 mins of intensive exercise but night time comes and I destroy all that hard work and fall into overeating on all the sweets and comfort foods to only regret it after I have done it but I can’t stop my self.

I don’t really enjoy anything no more I don’t really find anything fun and I have pretty much given up on the things I deeply wanted to enjoy/learn as I just can’t focus and stay motivated so what’s the point of even trying.

Mum took me to her doctor I was way more comfortable and felt safer with him but how do I ask to move to him as my primary it feels like betrayal to leave my current doctor I feel really conflicted about it.

The doctor ordered a scan in relation to the nausea and heart burn that’s tomorrow but I almost feel like canceling it and just giving up on the healthy eating and exercise and just isolate my self to my room where I can just sleep and just be with my thoughts good or bad.

I feel like I’m just repeating everyday the same, wasting time with nothing to show for it.

i don’t know what todo no more.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Skippy_07,

We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way, it sounds like it's been really hard.  The community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support. 

In the event that you are feeling like hurting yourself, it is important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. You can do this by:

• Speaking to your doctor or psychologist (if you have one) if he or she is available right now

• If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
 

[Centaured]

Hey skippy

Sorry to hear your struggling so much.

In regards to the eating thing, I might give you some advice that was given to me in recovery from bulimia. 'if we restrict our food and calories all day, it leads to cravings and binges. It continues to feed the restrict-binge (and in my case purge) cycle.' so what that is saying if we lower our intake too much it will lead to binging, and intense exercise will only intensify those urges due to the body using more fuel. Not to say our cases were the same, but for me to reduce my binging I had to have a higher calorie intake than I would have liked (which ended up being less than if I was binging anyway) I dont know if that helps at all. And don't be too hard on yourself if binges happen. Recovery takes time, getting in best eating/intake for ourselves takes time. It wont happen overnight and slip ups happen.

Anyway, I am now fully recovered from my eating disorder, something at 28 I never thought possible after struggling with it for over 20 years.

And another thing. Drs work you, if your comfortable it's well within your rights to change practitioners. I hope you do end getting that scan and it all goes ok.

Hope you are safe. We are here for you.

[Banksy92]

Hi Skippy,

You've shared some really great wins in your recent replies that I was so pleased to hear from you! 🙂 All your efforts towards refining your goals to be achievable, building in a routine for meditation and sticking with exercise are all fantastic lifestyle changes. How are you feeling after each of these?

Remember, our overall mood can change daily but our lifestyle habits all work towards a better overall mental and physical health. So even if you are sometimes feeling good and sometimes feeling bad, know that you are doing the right things to support a happier you in the long run.

I also think you're being too tough on yourself about the food. I understand it doesnt feel good to binge after a day of healthy habits (trust me, I've been there) but I also think you're putting in loads of effort right now in other ways, so you should cut yourself a some slack if this element isn't quite there yet. We cant always be perfect! Maybe you can work a small and achievable goal related to food into the routine, rather than trying to stick to a strict eating plan? Baby steps go far.

Also with the doctor, if you're feeling more comfortable I say go for the transition. I'd call the reception and ask if your patient notes to be transferred across. Put yourself first. You absolutely deserve to feel comfortable with your doctor.

Let us know how you go, thinking of you.

[Skippy_07]

I wasted all that time I tried improving as at the end of the day nothing will change I’ll always just be a lazy useless person I’ll always just annoy and disappointed everyone around me.

Everyday is the same I do nothing productive even if I want to. But I endure just to keep everyone else satisfied.

[Chris_Tas]

Vent away.

The dickhead on a jetski.....

What a tool seriously

[Banksy92]

No time spent on improving yourself is wasted Skippy_07, it all accumulates to our learning, our growth, and our journey in life. Please know you are a loved and valued person - not a disappointment. We here in the community are really happy to have you. Expressing yourself, being honest and keeping us up to date with your story. We want tot be here for you, support you and encourage you every step of the way.

Did you manage to shift to your preferred doctor yet?

[Skippy_07]

"No time spent on improving yourself is wasted Skippy_07,"

Hmm maybe.

"Did you manage to shift to your preferred doctor yet?"

No I changed my mind and then never went back to see the doctor and at this point I don't think I will, I don't want to waste there time and resources.

Yesterday I started to learn to draw again it was a massive task to get started and to follow through with just 30 minutes and then at the end I was so so exhausted I had to have a 4 hour nap (slept like a rock) even though I slept 8 hour that night. I was so scared to start and to learn, I'm scared of failure and of the learning process.

Even though I pushed through yesterday I'm back at square 1 again today to scared to pick up the pencil and to learn.

I think last year made things worse seeing a psychologist dug things up and only scratched the surface in the amount of sessions I had and now I'm left with these feelings and emotions and memories I spent years suppressing, Now I can get triggered by so many different things that change my mood in all types of directions multiple times a day. No matter how much I try to re-suppress everything it just ends up with been all angry and snappy.

I don't know maybe I'm just been a big sook.

[Banksy92]

Hi Skippy_07,

You're definitely not being a big sook - everything you've expressed is extremely valid. And something many of us have experienced. Often the starting process of therapy can be really jarring - I was extremely triggered in the initial stages of my journey. There were traumas in there I didn't even realise until I started digging things up. And I had gotten by all that time by ignoring them, so bringing it all to the surface makes you feel quite vulnerable. it's a natural response.

Self-care is a really important strategy to counter the mind and body's response to this. My psych says for every 1 hour of 'really triggering' therapy do 4x as much self care during the week to try and reduce symptoms.

Drawing would be a great outlet. Maybe you can add to this experience with nice music, scented candles? Or follow it up with some breathing exercises?

I'm sure the decision you made around seeing a healthcare person was the right choice for you at the time. If you're instincts are telling you to hold off for a bit, or that you aren't ready that's okay. As long as you know there are people you can turn too if you feel you really need it in future. Take things at your own pace.

Have you considered revisiting a professional this year to continue the journey to heal?

Thinking of you.