Just need to vent in a safe place.

[Skippy_07]

Hello,

Why does this fight feel like it’s a battle that can’t be won, I’m tired, I’m not sleeping well at night, guess I just want to share as text as I find it hard talking by voice physically or virtually

This nightly nausea (that fuzzy uncomfortable feeling you get seconds before vomiting but for hours) I have had since I was a kid and been stupid I use to hide it from my parents until my late teens and even now they only know about it when it’s really bad.

then sensory issues on top where the sound of people eating, coughing, yawning, sneezing or heavy breathing makes me so uncomfortable and agitated, even after that sound is over I can still hear it as clear as if it was still happening for a range of time after making me even more agitated

I seen my GP (he kept making a sucking sound between each sentence I wanted to say something but was to scared, by the end of the appt I was extremely edgy) yesterday to explain I’m starting to feel scared Im going to lash out as I have already started snapping back with no control it happens so fast I don’t get the chance even stop my self from doing it by mimicking the sound but in a really aggressive tone. The GP recommended me a few things like breathing exercises, grounding and even using a rubber band to snap on my wrist I know it’s not been long but the rubber band snapping sort of helps me but I find my self getting really snap happy if the feeling is bad then it stings for awhile after

I struggle to focus on things I want to enjoy or did enjoy like programming, drawing I just lose focus within a few seconds to a minute even if I really want todo it then I get really agitated and upset at myself

People say if you are unsafe to go to a hospital but my last experience was traumatic I know what I heard, a nurse saying I wasting there resources and if I was going to do it I would just do it, but now I’m questioning if that was a delusion from not sleeping in over 48 hours and that’s making me question if I’m attention seeking even though I hesitate to tell anyone how I feel, hospital investigated the complaint my GP lodged and they ended up apologising for how I was treated but even with that I don’t think I could ever go to one again even for a physical emergency, eg I was choking 2 weeks ago I forced my self to clear it my self was really scary but I’d choose that option over asking for help. I try to plan my words and actions carefully to avoid a hospital visit at all costs now

thanks for reading my vent

[Skippy_07]

Hello,

just seen the mental health person, I tried to tell him everything but found it harder to put words together or how to explain things.

at the end I almost didn’t give it but I had my end letter and my what’s left of my dairy in my bag so I got him to take them as it explains things I’m struggling to say.

he said community support would be better then inpatient and I very much like that idea just need to feel safe or have things put in place to feel safe.

just gotta wait for him to go over everything now and come back with the plan.

Been away from all these bad stimulating things I have definitely calmed down and been able to get a lot of sleep.

still haven’t eaten yet as I’m pretty scared of hearing my self eat if it will set off the extreme discomfort and agitation but I got some water as I have not eaten or drink for over 2 days now, had a small drink seemed okay so I might ask for a sandwich in a little after I’m 100% sure it’s not going to trigger me.

and thanks again for the kind responses

[Not_Limited]

Hi Skippy_07,

What a huge day and what huge accomplishments you have made today. Well done!

Simply pushing through your fears of judgement and rejection and letting someone in so that you can receive the help you need is just amazing. Add to that at least some water, and that's so good too. I hope you managed to eat your sandwich and hold it down. I know you have a huge fear of how food and water have made you feel. No sleep, food and water unfortunately can just make it worse, so keep trying if you can. Our bodies need nourishment to heal, just as much as our souls and minds.

I hope they have put a good plan into place for you so you continue to be safe and continue to heal xx

[Skippy_07]

Yesterday night on the way home from the hospital was going okay until the triggers started really wished the hospital staff accidentally done or even deliberately done them to see my reaction and how much its effecting me. as been in the room I was in at the ED the whole time none of them happened and it really relaxed me and made me feel good but only put me in a false sense of security from what followed after getting released

I have a fear or even phobia level of getting in trouble this comes from my childhood. when I get in trouble I immediately jump to suicidal thoughts. Well on the way home my sister called dad to let him know I was coming home everything seemed fine he was happy I was coming home but when he said "he better keep taking his medication this time" I felt like I had just gotten in trouble I immediately starting to have intrusive thoughts at that point, but thought when I get home have a shower and go to bed

When I got home I had a shower and wanted to catch up on some computer stuff then the second trigger happened hearing mum eat a packet of chips that distressing and uncomfortable feeling mixed with rage I ended up jumping out of my chair fist made and all I was ready to run out there is just let loss but I restrained myself, I had the meds and just put my self to bed with loud music playing ended up crying myself to sleep (it's rare for me to cry it takes alot to push me to that point even loss of a pet that happened a couple weeks ago I didn't cried but I was heart broken inside)

It's so hard to follow the list of things to calm down when these triggers go from 0% distress to 110% right away and when at 100% its so much harder to think logically and to remember or think about doing these exercises

Today was going better I did get 12 hours sleep last night going by my sleep tracker not sure if it was from the medication or just been so exhausted, I done 18 minutes of intense exercise, had some food seen a friend for a little bit in the afternoon. but now mum is watching TV she is back at them fing chips and really crunchy things went out to get a drink almost lost it at her then an hour later she came in my room wanted to know if I wanted some food as she left the room I did not get my headphones on fast enough and she made this loud sniffle slurp sound I snapped my wrist rubber band as fast and hard as I could, got so agitated as my brain seems to love to torture me by replaying it even after the real sound is gone

clamed down now

[Sophie_M]

Hi Skippy_07,

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult recently, especially having to manage all of these fears and triggers on your own. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Not_Limited]

Hi Skippy_07

Oh, the sounds of people eating and slurping. When you are noise sensitive in those areas, it is extremely hard not to react to them. Sounds like some desensitisation therapy with your specialist might help you a lot there. I hope the hospital organised some continued support for you. Are you able to talk to your mum about how the noises cause you a lot of stress? This is a video you may be able to watch with your Mum so that you can both understand why the noises affect you and that Misophonia is very real. https://youtu.be/l401uIyrE_A

There are a few YouTube videos regarding Misophonia, the fear you have of getting in trouble etc that can potentially help you understand why you may feel a certain way and also give you ideas of what to discuss with your psychologist next time you see her.

Other than the sounds, how are you going today?

[Banksy92]

Hi Skippy,

Thanks for keeping us updated on your journey, it sounds like you've had a really big few days but have made major and positive strides. Speaking up about your thoughts and plans with a professional and accepting help is a great step. How did you feel about the people who were looking after you? I hope they treated you with care and respect.

I understand how you feel when you say it's difficult to remember to do self care/coping exercises when you're triggered or overstimulated. When I'm at my most anxious the last thing I want to do is put in more effort and take care of myself. Often it's a forced step but with practice it feels more natural and comes to me easier.

Can I ask, how did you feel after doing the exercise and seeing a friend? Do those types of activities help your overall mood/ability to relax?

I also agree with Not Limited, if you can have a constructive and gentle conversation with your mum she may be more mindful of what you're going through.

Let us know how you're going when you can.

[Skippy_07]

Banksy92 At first I was really hesitant in wanting to talk with the fear from my mistreatment last time at the other hospital but I told the clinician when he first came in to talk and he said something that changed alot for me, them few words meant more to me then he will ever know.

He said That's not right we are here to help you. up until that point I did plan on walking out of the hospital and ending it after he left the room but them words felt like someone ripping that thought out of my brain and allowed me to open up more even though I was all over the place with my words along with nervous smiles.

Yup its so hard to even force myself todo the self care/coping exercises once at a very high distress level but I have started precising them today even outside of the the distressed time to try and make them easier and second nature todo.

After doing the exercise and seeing my friend I did feel really happy I don't really see friends that often maybe once a month sometimes less but talk to 2 of them online, but I'm going to make exercise part of my daily goals I downloaded this app called Tangerine: Self-care & Goals and put in goals I want todo for the day and so far on 2 day it has really helped me do them goals as you get a confetti animation when you check it off and my dislike for having a check list unfinished also helps motivate me, along with the journal part when sometime upsets me and makes me feel unsafe I'll take 5 and just type out my feels.

Not Limited I'll check out that video and try and watch it with mum and dad.

Today has been my best day in the passed couple months, I did get triggered once and half snapped I aggressively mimicked the sound aloud while standing next to mum and she said don't start that silliness I responded I can't help it, it's a uncontrollable response to these sounds but seemed less mad once I said that.

I done some exercise and started reading a book along with starting to learn to draw, but even though the last 2 nights I have gotten 10 hours of sleep I feel really tired but pushed on with my goals and feel good about that a friend said because I cut out all candy and soft drinks at once it could just be withdrawals from refined sugars and will likely pass in a couple days.

[Banksy92]

Hi Skippy,

Isn't it crazy how a simple sentence can have such a big impact on how we feel? I'm glad to hear you were treated with respect and care - it's what you deserve. And I'm really glad you trusted them enough to share what you've been going through and accept their help.

Self care and goals app sounds really positive! I might have to download it myself, it sounds fun and helpful. Little steps in our day like pausing to check in and write how we feel can make such a big difference to our overall wellbeing. Journaling changed my life.

And your exercise routine too, this will make an impact. Regular workouts can boost our mood, self-confidence and mental health. What kind of activities are you doing for this?

I also think there could be truth to what your friend said, if you've cut out sugars, inevitably (if you were having it quite a bit before) the body will be fatigued and have cravings for a little bit. But stick to your guns, this is great for your health too! 🙂

Rest up, after so much going on I'm sure a bit of extra sleep wouldn't hurt to help recharge your batteries.

Look forward to hearing more about how you're getting on.

[Skippy_07]

Hello,

As always and like gravity what goes up must come down, I feel my self slipping back into the darkness, and I can’t help but put on the fake smile and try to hide the pain.

There was one question the clinician asked me when I was in the hospital and that was what changed or happened to set this all off I had no idea what it was but now I think I finally worked it out as I went years before everything come crashing down as I’m 30 now, I was just bottling everything up hiding my feelings and not allowing my self to go through emotions when something happened rather then deal with it I’d just bottle it up, when I finally asked for help it was like opening a soft drink bottle that had been very well shaken up. never allowing my self to deal and experience so many different feelings and emotions I get confused and overwhelmed really easily now.

And the sensory stuff seems to be getting worse as it’s not just sound triggers there is smell and touch/feeling of object triggers as well, that make me feel so uncomfortable, angry, skin crawl and spine shivers etc

well I semi lost control when my sister passed wind next to me as soon as I smelt it I had no control I slammed my fists on the table multiple times in a blind rage, (my sister thought it was funny blaming her son on it it’s not funny it’s dangerous and distressing for me to be deliberately pushing my triggers) once I realised i released the rage I had been struggling to hold back with the sound triggers that happen multiple times a day I became so heightened just seeing mum wiggling her toes while she was watching TV I almost lost it again I had to leave the house for a walk took me like an hour to clam but I had to go to bed with ANC headphones when I got home as the senses where still extremely heightened and easier to trigger this happened last week but I’m more snappy when these triggers happen.

Also getting low on energy I’ll sleep for 10 hours at night but still feel really tired in the morning and through the day and when I when I want todo something I use to enjoy the energy and motivation is just not there and paper/cardboard just feels really yuck almost like a shock going down my spine atm so drawing is out. last night was only about 4 hours as my luck on not feeling sick at night ran out.

I’ll try and do some of my goals today maybe go outside and get some sun but it feels like a vicious cycle that is to hard to change.

[Banksy92]

Hi Skippy,

Sorry to hear you've not been feeling the best lately. Sounds like you're senses are in overdrive.

When your nervous system feels like there is an ''external threat'' we go into fight or flight mode. In the animal kingdom it would be a predator. For humans today it can be all sorts of things, but the body responds in a similar way. So our senses are even more heightened to help protect us. Sound, light, smell, taste. We also get an adrenalin hit to help us run away or fight the predator. I think because you're dealing with so much right now, you're senses are on alert more often than not.

For me, when I am really anxious I am really sensitive to smell - which makes me want to clean everything. Or I get really itchy / sensitive on my skin.

To reduce this hypersensitivity it's good to try and regulate your nervous system. To help the primal brain understand there is no threat. Sometimes just going for a short walk can help move the energy around the body, or some of the other tactics we've discussed (guided meditation, journalling, drawing etc.)

Have you got an appointment coming up soon with a psychologist?

I hope something here helps. Let us know how you're getting on.