It’s like I don’t deserve anything

[123thenme]

I’m safe

I find myself second guessing everything I say or do in my life which leads me into a downward spiral most days. I think of other people first before myself and then feel as though I have let myself down, that’s when the negative thoughts take over and my self esteem drops. It feels like I live in a fantasy world of my own and everyone else is bypassing me, they don’t see or acknowledge me. They know where they are going in life but I don’t. I feel stuck in time. I seek approval from people for everything because I don’t believe in myself and it’s exhausting. I’m a people pleaser. I am constantly trying not to upset people with my words or actions. I have OCD (even writing on this forum has taken me an hour going back over it again and again) I’m worried about what people will think. I’m cautious all the time so as to not say or write the wrong thing to upset anyone or worse to trigger them or make them feel bad. I don’t know why my brain is wired to do this and to give of myself so much and then feel so worthless. Second guessing why I do what I do and say constantly it is debilitating.  
On the flip side, I have been sober for 19 months. I found drinking was a double edged sword. I loved it, it helped numb the thoughts and feelings but it let my words and actions hurt the people I love. I eventually left my family, felt I wasn’t good enough for them, they deserved better.  I felt so unloved and lonely when I was with them but feel lonely without them too. It’s Christmas morning and I just don’t feel very Christmassy. 
I have more down days than up but I keep going. I like to see people happy and never want anyone to feel the way I do. I meditate only at night time just before bed because it makes me sleepy. I try and surround myself with people who make an effort and reach out to me first, that gives me a sense of belonging. I find it hard to be around loud opinionated people. I take a lot of bad energy from these people and unfortunately internalise it. I have only just started to see a therapist, been once but looking forward to the next visit.. Thank you for this forum but I’m anxious about what I’ve written so far. Whether it makes sense to anyone or not. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It certainly makes sense and I understood every word.  And why wouldnt I,? It is easy to read and has clarity. So yes, your self esteem is low no doubt. This forum is good to fill the gaps to your therapist appointments so I hope you benefit. I'll tackle the issues separately-

• "Left my family". That's an individuals choice and it depends on the circumstances. In many cases leaving fully is not the best choice, better to keep in contact once or twice a year to avoid hurting others but again thats your choice.
• " I felt so unloved and lonely when I was with them but feel lonely without them too".  Them not loving you enough might not be intentional, their capacity to love might not be there or its hidden. If their intention is to not love you eg punish you then that's different.
• Surrounding yourself with people that have the same values/attitude/care is the best thing to do for good mental health.
• Low self esteem. Your greatest challenge imo is to raise this and your therapist will delve into why you have it. It is your best move to seek such therapy. 
• As a peer advisor I can say that low self esteem is a wide spread issue. I have some threads on it, just need to read the first page of each-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/confidence-how-do-you-get-it/td-p/46358

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/planning-a-healthier-mind/td-p/171386

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/successfully-overcoming-challenges/td-p/331063

I hope they help and well done in taking this step and seeking therapy.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi 123thenme

What you write makes perfect sense. Can relate to a lot of it myself. I feel for you as you work so hard toward discovering the best in yourself through the intense challenges you face.

The double edged sword of drinking is something I can definitely relate to, as I faced it myself throughout my years in long term depression. While the chemical impact can be fuel for depression, the regrets we wake up with after drinking and the self hatred and inner dialogue that can stem from that is 100% fuel. With the double edged sword aspect, there is so much of it when you're a real feeler/sensitive (someone who feels/senses so much).

• While the ability to feel deeply for others (empathic ability) is a truly beautiful trait, not being able to switch it off can have it appearing as a curse. The down side of being a people pleaser...While aiming to bring pleasure and relief to others all the time, the last person you please/provide relief to can be yourself
• While the ability to feel love is a beautiful soulful ability, being able to sense when you're not being loved in all the right ways can be deeply challenging. With life being so heartfelt, heartbreak or heartache can also be felt, as a consequence
• While being careful is a trait of a great analyst, in its extreme there is no room for 'carefree' and little opportunity to be 'thoughtless' or thought free. The brain is computing/analysing 24/7
• While being an observer and especially feeler of human nature is a highly intuitive ability, knowing how to detach from certain natures is a must so as not to remain feeling the impact of those natures. Some people can be draining, intensely oppressive or depressing
• Feeling where your heading is so important. Tells you whether you're heading true north (being true to yourself), things are going south, whether you're standing still or when you need guidance

You have so many abilities. Knowing how they work or how to work them in your favour relates to self mastery. You are truly an incredible person with the ability to sense so much, far more than what you may imagine ❤️