Intellectual existence

[alasdayr]

I have been living the treadmill for a while now.  I have a nice house, a stable job, a faithful wife that cares about me and our family and an adult daughter.

Following a bout of major depression, I have anhedonia (avolition, but no anergia).  I have energy to get things done that I see need doing.

Nothing makes me feel good more than momentarily.
Most pleasurable activities make me crave discomfort (or worse).
My mood is generally flat and I do not feel much in the way of emotion (happy, sad, angry, jealous, etc..).
I have nothing I want to achieve.
I have nothing that I want to do.
I have nowhere I want to go.
I have no people I want to meet.
Helping others does not make me feel good.
Achieving things seems hollow.
I have no fear of dying.
I have no fear of pain (also a very high pain tolerance).
About most things I truly do not care.

I have an entire alphabet of mental health conditions diagnosis (ASD, CPTSD, OCD, BPD, MDD, PDD).  I have had another alphabet worth of treatment (CBT, DBT, EMDR, ACT, Schema, TMS).  Some are still ongoing.

I have an upbringing of care for family and self sacrifice.  I take care of myself so I can do things for family so they remain comfortable.  Its all done by rote.  I have been taught/trained over my treatments not to self harm.  I often think about it...  These thoughts do not worry or disturb me.  I keep busy so I don't dwell on them.  My family wants and needs me.

I have been in constant mental health care over the past 4 years.  I have been in hospital numerous times.  I have been on (and am now off) antidepressants.  I regularly see psychologists and a psychiatrist.  I will ask my psychiatrist for another round of TMS next time we meet.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have more than a lot of people.  I am in good physical health.  I seem to avoid misfortune.
I don't feel worthy of my good fortune.



Is this as good as it gets?
 

[smallwolf]

I want to reply to the part you write about school and prioritization of tasks, but first...

what I am describing to you here is my story but it also lends itself to what I said about the journey to the top of a mountain and going down into a valley. Not sure how old you might have been in the 80s, but there was a TV show called Monkey - based on the books Journey to the West where the monk with the aid of the Monkey and 2 others traveled to the "Western Regions" to obtain Buddhist sūtras (sacred texts). Anyway, in the TV series that I remember there was no real ending or closure. In this instance a story without an ending .... And this is how I see my journey - a life long journey towards happiness. The trip to the top of the mountain has no peak, or at one that I cannot see. Perhaps above the clouds.

On prioritizing tasks ... for me this was/is a side-effect of a CS degree. Sorta hard to explain, but if there were a set of tasks where the time was short and known, these could be left to later because the time to deliver was known. So if this is something you have been doing all your life, it is hard to flick to a switch expecting a change. The switch is stuck. Can't move. With time and small increments the switch might be able to move a small bit or more. 

Working on my switch for 6 years ...

Reading this, you might think I am saying that nothing will change, and we are stuck feeling like this, but even so there is hope and why I don't give up. See the journey through to the end.

[alasdayr]

It's been a while since I posted, so I guess an update is in order.

Just finished another round of TMS.  Went in for scheduled "top up" of 10 sessions, but after 8 was assessed as requiring more.  This was true as my emotional numbness had pretty much completely returned since my TMS round Easter time.

TMS does bring back some emotions.  Usually negative ones of frustration, mild anger and disgust.  Negative, not bad.  There is also occasionally the most fleeting feeling of hope.  I try desperately to hold on to it, but it's like grasping at sand.

My weight has plummeted.  All through my depression I was concerned with weight.  I mentioned it almost every time I talked with my psychiatrist over the last four years.  When I finally came of anti-depressants 15 months ago (after being on them for over 2 years) I had an obese BMI.  I am now center of the normal BMI range and struggling to halt the weight loss.  Irrespective of what the scale says, I still feel "fat".  I know there is WAY more to this aspect than I am describing, but that would be a discussion on its own.

I came off the anti-depressants because I felt emotionally numb all the time.  I also could tell it was slowing down my thinking speed (alertness).  This alertness I use for both my work and hobbies I try to maintain.  The alertness seemed to be linked to my metabolism as without changing any habits (eating or exercise), my weight started reducing within weeks of finishing.

The situation at home has changed little.  My wife's physical injuries are slowly getting worse (and she is now getting more medical attention on them and hopefully things will improve).  This limits what she can do day to day, so I am doing even more of the housework.  My adult daughters condition is still the same and requires constant vigilance.  She has both NDIS and DSP, but capability for independence still seems a long way off.

Work has been busier than usual.   I have been able to keep up, but I still haven't been able to contribute as much as I know I am capable of.  Despite not performing to a standard I am content with, my employer saw fit to grant me a generous performance bonus at the end of last financial year.

I still despair for the future.  I still cannot find anything I want to spend effort trying to achieve.  Most days feels like I am just doing tasks to try keep life going as easy as possible for everyone else and myself, then the next day I do the same again.  Essentially just filling time.

Alasdayr

[alasdayr]

I was doing a little reflection last night on my circumstances, for lack of a better term.  I think it's because the TMS has changed things a little and my mind is reacting to that change.

I have very few people I trust outside four core family members.  In fact there are only two people outside family I would class as friends that I could call to talk to.  I have a handful (less than five) of other acquaintances I could call, but would be anxious doing so.  I fear making attachments and seldom think of initiating contact.  This hinders making a keeping friendships, and even acquaintances.  I think this is a combination of the ASD and discouraged BPD.

My school trauma has less of a hold over me after some of the therapy.  There are 3 years of school memories that I now have access to.  And they seem now just memories.  The psychological lessons learned from those times still remain.

I seem to lack any meaningful goals or even interests.  There is nothing I particularly want.  I have not found anything that "excites" me in over a year.  There is no future event I am looking forward to or see a purpose in working towards.  This is almost the very definition of hopelessness.

The only things I have found that "soothe" are generally discouraged.  Showers with no hot water.  Exertion to maximum heart rate.  Bodily sensations when losing weight (I've been obese, I've been slim, I fear being obese ever again).

The TMS seems to have woken up fear, disgust and mild anger.  I can use DBT distress tolerance techniques to cope with fear and disgust.  Anger I feel extremely uncomfortable directing anywhere but inward.  I am terrified of losing control.  I don't feel distress when not able to fulfill my OCD compulsions, but my environment is easier and more efficient for me to live in if I do.

This need for control and desire for "soothing" to mediate my TMS aroused emotions has sent my coping mechanisms into overdrive.  After four years of work battling major depression, my self esteem is still very low.  My disgust for my body shape/weight has returned.  My energy is back almost to normal.  Almost a perfect storm for an ED (In 18 months my BMI went from 32.7 to 21.4).  My psychiatrist seems to know very little about ED's and the basic advice is try use your self-control to not lose any more weight.

In short, I still feel I am am a mental mess.  I can function.  I can work.  I can complete tasks.  But to what end?  I have the how, but still no why.  Is it any wonder why I don't feel a desire to stay, but also lack any motivation to go?  Therefore, I remain.

Enough for tonight.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

Hello.

Just a quick response tonight. Sorry. I have applied for another job and this has taken my attention in the last couple of days.

Wow! The journey you’re on with TMS and therapy, combined with the challenges of ASD and BPD, is certainly not an easy one. And It's okay to feel uncertain about the future and to struggle with finding meaningful goals or interests.

Sometimes, just recognizing and talking (or writing?) these feelings, as you’ve done, can be helpful toward healing. Your ability to reflect and express yourself so clearly shows immense strength and resilience.

I'm also glad to hear that some of your therapy has lessened the grip of your school trauma and that you’ve regained access to those memories without being overwhelmed by them. That’s significant progress.

In my own experience (and yours?) it is hard not to have the answers at your fingertips. Especially, when you are the one that people come to for various solutions. It’s okay to not have all the answers right now. The "why" you’re searching for might take time to uncover, and that’s perfectly alright.

Your journey is uniquely yours, and every small step forward counts.

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,  Thank you for a response at all.  I understand that you can get busy with other matters.  I had also not posted for a while.

You are 100% correct in that it is hard not to have the answers when you are used to being the one other rely on for those answers.  In my usual style, I use as many methods as possible to try find those answers.

Looking further into my poor body self image coping mechanism and the results are quite disturbing.  I really need to get help with it, but am scared to do so.  Many medical professionals seem to know very little about the subject.  A lot of the time I do not feel the problem is serious enough to qualify for help.  I also cannot seem to slow down the associated behaviors no matter how hard I try.

Fortunately I do have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow.  There was a cancellation and I can make the time.  I missed an appointment with him when I was having inpatient TMS.

I will try keep this thread updated more often.

Thank you again for listening.

Alasdayr

[therising]

Hi alasdayr

It sounds like you're being pulled in so many different directions, with so many mixed emotions and challenges. I'm glad you've got friends and others around you to help support you to some degree.

I think it's hard not to say to our self at times something along the lines of 'I'm so broken in certain ways to the point where I feel 'unfixable''. I've come to look at things in a more productive way over the years and it has taken years to get here, decades in fact. Apologies if I've mentioned this before. I have a shocker of a memory at times. I figure I don't need fixing, I need raising (out of what can be depressing or potentially depressing). While we could be surrounded by genuinely deeply caring people, if they don't know how to raise us to meet with what we long to be conscious of then we can suffer horribly through that. It sounds like you desperately want to become conscious of the reasons behind the ED and perception of your body. With no one (professional or otherwise) willing to raise you to meet with the revelations you're desperate to find, the issues continue to challenge you in a variety of ways.

I've found a key revelation can actually tie into more than one issue. These are incredibly powerful mind altering and life changing kinds of revelations. From my own experience, I'd say the issue that screams the loudest is often the one that holds the revelation I most need at the time. For you, this may involve your body image. If so, insisting the psychologist address it or at least begin to address it above anything else may offer you some of what you need. If something insists 'You can't put this off any longer', call it intuition, something to be guided by.

[alasdayr]

Thank you again smallwolf.  I find your insights invaluable.

I did raise the body image/weight issue with my psychologist today and we have started an action plan to work on it.  This plan involves my GP, my psychiatrist and getting any other help I need.  It is also being treated as a matter of urgency as my psychologist sees it as a potentially serious escalation in maladaptive behavior.

I have also told my wife about how well things are not going for me mentally and she is incredibly supportive.

I don't have the answers.  I realise the problem is way more complicated than it appears on the surface.  It does tie in to a number of pre-existing problems and conditions.  It is not just a simple control or self esteem issue.  I acknowledge that this may take months, if not years, to fully address.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

How you finished your post is one of those questions I wish I could answer... if not for you, then for myself. The only thing that I have worked out to date (and you probably know this) is that there is no timeline to be followed. I have been seeing a psychologist for about 6 years and for those first few years I was looking for a cure. Now, not so much! In an sense, I have been able to accept "it is what it is". Perhaps in some ways, and I use the analogy of (and this was taken from a video on YouTube where a guy was showing a guitar exercise, (that part not so important) but he said, that after a day, or week, or month or longer, it will click, and become natural. It is something then I don't have to fight against. 

If you ask me do I feel happy each day... the answer is "No".

And each day we get through is another win? 

I also very glad to hear your wife is supportive. I've learnt they (partners) can be stronger than we give them credit for.

I am unsure of the answers you are looking for, and maybe something in my reply helps you get a closer to your answers? 

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,  I really value your insights.  They help more than you may realise.  Thank you.

I'd settle for feeling happy for a minute a month at the moment.  That's more than I feel I've had in years.

Last night, while trying to sleep, I was recounting how I got to where I am now.  How some things have gone right, some things have gone wrong and how I adapted to survive growing up.  My diagnosed mental health issues seem mostly to be related to trying to survive growing up with ASD but with none of knowledge and help that is available now.  As such, some patterns were laid down during formative periods of my brain and will never go away.  They just need to be learned to be coped with.

I am grateful for the family and circumstance I have.  Without so many things, this conversation would not be possible.

Currently, I am seem to be looking for both a means and a reason to survive.  The only actions/activities I have that make me feel any better I know are not long-term healthy.  I seem to crave discomfort as it is the only thing that makes me feel like progress is being made.  It does not make me happy, but it does stop me feeling bad about myself for a while.  It's a form of relief.

My friends and family want to help me, I am looking for how they can.  By helping me, I can continue to help them.  They are my reason for keeping going.

To paraphrase your guitar exercise example, I am willing to practice what I need to do for weeks, months and years until it becomes natural.  I just need find the exercise that needs practicing to bring the desired result (self-esteem and purpose).

I'll keep working on getting the win of seeing each day.  If not for me, for them.  Some days are harder than others.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

On craving discomfort... Is that because this feels more like comfortable slippers?  (That is how I described it to my psychologist a few years back. I was walking to the swimming club where my kids belonged, and part way there I felt happy. And that feeling was unnatural for me! When i feel down, I know what will happen, and next etc.  When I was happy I didn't know what the next bit would be like.)

I think I have spoke with you about things being (so) ingrained? This is related to your comment about will be practice however long it takes. I always have a head and heart type battle. Logically (head) I can agree and understand what someone says - in these instances it is either my psychologist, or (female) rector. But in my heart I don't truly believe what they say. Call this a side-effect of certain beliefs developed over my life to date. 

One thing I am certain of though ... your family and friends think you are worth it, or worthwhile! One day you might see this. And what appears as the large black dot on a page becomes much smaller that you also see your talents and skills and what you mean to others.