Intellectual existence

[alasdayr]

I have been living the treadmill for a while now.  I have a nice house, a stable job, a faithful wife that cares about me and our family and an adult daughter.

Following a bout of major depression, I have anhedonia (avolition, but no anergia).  I have energy to get things done that I see need doing.

Nothing makes me feel good more than momentarily.
Most pleasurable activities make me crave discomfort (or worse).
My mood is generally flat and I do not feel much in the way of emotion (happy, sad, angry, jealous, etc..).
I have nothing I want to achieve.
I have nothing that I want to do.
I have nowhere I want to go.
I have no people I want to meet.
Helping others does not make me feel good.
Achieving things seems hollow.
I have no fear of dying.
I have no fear of pain (also a very high pain tolerance).
About most things I truly do not care.

I have an entire alphabet of mental health conditions diagnosis (ASD, CPTSD, OCD, BPD, MDD, PDD).  I have had another alphabet worth of treatment (CBT, DBT, EMDR, ACT, Schema, TMS).  Some are still ongoing.

I have an upbringing of care for family and self sacrifice.  I take care of myself so I can do things for family so they remain comfortable.  Its all done by rote.  I have been taught/trained over my treatments not to self harm.  I often think about it...  These thoughts do not worry or disturb me.  I keep busy so I don't dwell on them.  My family wants and needs me.

I have been in constant mental health care over the past 4 years.  I have been in hospital numerous times.  I have been on (and am now off) antidepressants.  I regularly see psychologists and a psychiatrist.  I will ask my psychiatrist for another round of TMS next time we meet.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have more than a lot of people.  I am in good physical health.  I seem to avoid misfortune.
I don't feel worthy of my good fortune.



Is this as good as it gets?
 

[smallwolf]

firstly .... good to hear that you were able to chat with your wife about things. That can be sometimes terrifying when you don't know how they might react to certain words.  And hopefully on the plus side, she might notice some things and ask how you are.  And there are times when I just feel flat and cannot explain what it is!

The funny thing was that my psychologist appointment last week did not go ahead - COVID! And it was not me. It was rescheduled to this Wednesday. I will let you know how it goes.

On the last two paragraphs ... change and good change is slow. At least that is what my psychologist says.  And on the same topic (my psych) it is easy for me to logically understand what she tells me, and it all makes sense, but the heart (or soul) says otherwise. Here is where we keep chipping at the mountain. Working on it... as you said. 

[alasdayr]

Thought I may check in again.  It's been a while.

Still struggling to find something that interests me.  It's still just one day after another.  As I find something wrong round home I fix it.  I walk almost every day.  I do the work that is expected to earn money to keep the family going.  More often than not, the only thing that gets through is discomfort.

I'm trying not to block feelings.  Apart from ennui, not much comes forward.

I'm finding it hard to watch movies, TV shows, listen to music or play video games.  I have plenty of all the aforementioned instantly available.  The overwhelming feeling is "what's the point".  Nothing really feels enjoyable.  It just seems to fill time.

I'm still slowly losing weight, even though I am trying not to.  I am at my lowest recorded weight of my adult life at present.  I only weigh myself occasionally on advice from the dietician, but on the odd occasions I do, the trend still seems slowly downward.  I try loosely track food portions to try ensure that I do not under eat.  It's hard as I cannot eat large portions, so I eat more often.  I'm getting my family to also try help ensure I do not under-eat, so my wife brings me snacks and reminds me to eat.  Unfortunately feeling empty is comforting and I'm having to forcibly try deny one of my few comforts.

I have an appointment in January to see a psychiatrist about eating disorder in order to get into the Melbourne Clinic Eating Disorder program.  Slow progress.

I'm trying to get any face-to-face cancellation appointments with my psychologist I can.  We are working on loosing the strangle hold of my over-controller modes.  These seem to be a big part of what is driving my depression and ED.

At times I feel I am winding up loose ends.  I do not want to do too much of this as I fear that if I have nothing left to organise and put in place that I may start to take steps no-one else wants me to take.

I go back for TMS "top up" in a month.  I'm pretty sure I'll need it by then.

Sorry I don't have a more positive report.  I try.  Every day, I feel I try.  Every day feels like "not today".  It takes effort to get up each morning, just to do yet another day.

I'll continue to be here for everyone else in the belief that one day I'll be here for me.   One day at a time.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

Hello. Longish time no hear. And while you words might not sound positive as you mention, it is nice to hear from you.

I have started a new job... my new job is more relaxing than the previous one. My psychologist said that I looked happier when I spoke with her just over a week ago. 

I used to the feel the need to be in control of everything and make sure everything worked as planned. Of course, things can happen that are outside of your (read "my") control which does not feel good. It took a long while to work out I could only work on my reactions and not the other thing/person. And in some way, this was would also be a waste of energy in trying to be in control.

I guess what I am trying to say is... you can only do what you do to the best of your ability and that has (?) to be enough. Part of this is the serenity prayer that is used by AA.

[alasdayr]

smallwolf, good to hear that things seem to be coming together for you.

Yesterday was my wife's birthday.  I did all I could to ensure it was her day.

Had lunch with the family so she didn't need to cook.  She prepared her own birthday cake the way she wanted it (she wants and needs it to be low carb to help control the type 2 diabetes).

Could not help but feel hollow, but hid it from her and the family.

The family conversations tended to revolve around hopes, dreams and plans for the future.  Things they wanted to do or experience.  All I could do was sit by as a passive observer.  I had nothing to add.  I took mental notes on what my wife wanted to do, where she would like to go, etc..  None of it was different to anything previously mentioned.  I was different.  I felt no desire or longing to do or experience any of it.  I didn't even see myself as being part of any future.  (of course I could not say as much, especially not on my wife's day).

I'll continue to do what is my control to help make the lives of those around my easier.  I'll not concern myself with things out of my control.  What comes, comes; and I'll deal with it as it arises.  It will be enough.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

Happy birthday to your wife... You are a good person. (You said that you did all you could to ensure it was her day.) And while you might have been a passive observer, you also make mental notes. It sounds like you care very much for her 🙂

You deserve to have a little of that for yourself as well.

(It was my b'day on the 20th ... last Friday.)

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,  happy birthday for last Friday.  I hope it was a good day for you.

I care a lot for my wife.  My family is really the only thing keeping me here.

I've been spending my days looking for thing to do.  I'm up to date with almost everything that needs doing, both home and work wise.  The trouble is finding things I want to do or seem to me to be worthwhile doing.  When almost nothing seems entertaining or rewarding this becomes particularly difficult.

I'm not looking for suggestions, just recording what is.

Alasdayr

[alasdayr]

3:50am.  The house is quiet.  Everyone else is asleep.

I'm having one of those rare flashes of emotion.  Not the good kind.  But emotion is what I am trying not to suppress.  I'll ride this one out like I always do.

I'll record it, what I can, in order to let it out. (it may get blocked)

I feel useless and used.  I do everything I can for everyone else, but I have nothing I want to do for me.  Nothing feels good.  Nothing feels right.  Nothing ever seems to change and I can't seem to see it ever changing in a way that could be seen as better.

I'm at a pinnacle, and every way is down.  Either slow trail meandering its way into the murk, or the inviting quick way.

I long to hurt.  I long for sensation.  I long for a way to focus the unlocatable ache.  Even a way to silence it.  But I won't.  I've promised not to.

I'll breathe, count the breaths, list the sights, sounds and feelings of things around me.  Even in the dark, quiet house.  I'll eventually rest and sleep and start all over again after dawn.

As I do every day.  Again, and again, and again.....

I suppose this is my fate.  To persists.  For them.  Maybe one day for me, but yesterday and now is not.

Things may be better in the morning.  I guess I will find out.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

I know it might not feel like it, but even in those dark moments, you're making choices that keep you moving forward...breathing, observing, and counting those small things around you, no matter how insignificant they may seem, shows how strong you truly are. 

You matter, and your presence matters—to those around you, and even to yourself, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. I hope the days ahead brings some light. 

I also want you to know that I have been in that space where it feels that nothing is worth it. I wish that I knew what it was, other than time that got me into a better headspace. And maybe time is all it is. There was a period when I had stress leave from work and I would travel to my parents by train. The reason I did this (the travel) was that it allowed me to reflect and write and get those dark thoughts onto paper. Some would turn into self therapy. This was a few years ago now.

Please take care of yourself, even if it’s just in the smallest ways. You deserve it.

(As an example of a small thing... once I had a iced coffee after completing a job. I could have just started the next task. Rather I gave myself permission to  do something for me.)

[alasdayr]

Ironically, it's 3:50am; again.

smallwolf, did not see your post till 3:30am.  Thank you for the reply.  It really matters to me.

Yesterday was another day.  I eventually slept.  Got up late, did what needed doing, slept again.

I tried to do a couple things for me among the many things for others.  I completed them all, but the feeling of accomplishment was not there.  At least they will stay done.  I'll just need to try find more after dawn.

The emotions are not as present now.  As expected, they will go in and out like the tide.  In a way I picture it as low tide now, and the murky water is less than ankle deep.  I can see clear to a half lit, flat, featureless horizon.  I have no idea what I am doing, no landmarks for reference and no people here to be able to guide me as to a direction to take.  If I feel anything, it's mostly empty, alone and lost.

Even though I do not feel distressed, after this post I'll use my safe space visualization.  It's, at least, got some texture.  It will likely help me sleep again.  Sleep is supposed to be restorative.

Small steps.  I'll keep taking small steps.  Maybe I will find a direction, a feeling, a light, a change, a hope.  I will not find anything different if I don't take steps.  No rush.

Sorry if this post is disjointed.  It seemed appropriate as I was writing it.  Looking at the time it took almost 45 minutes to write.  Must have been dissociating.  Thank you for reading.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

I read your latest message... Hope the day went OK for you.  I don't have time right now to describe a painting I did a couple of years ago... it was me in a swamp land under a tree, and alone like yourself. I will write more tomororw.