I want to try again, my mind wants me to give up.

[Enid_33]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been struggling for nearly four weeks with feelings of suicide/self-harm/worthlessness. In 2018 my mental health was at its worst after my husband left me, I moved into a small flat and isolated myself from the few friends I had. Soon after I left my long term job as I could no longer cope with the stress . I eventually used all my savings and suddenly found myself living in my mother’s lounge room just as the pandemic hit. I think I can count on my hand the number of times I left the house in that year. I eventually tried to make small changes, did some casual work and tried to reconnect with the few friends that responded to my messages.

I also started going to therapy again at least once a fortnight to try and get some help to make changes in my life. In July I was lucky enough to find a part time job I was excited about, in a new field. It was hard to learn new things, expose myself to people again, hell even my one hour public transport ride to the office and back started off feeling like a marathon of anxiety every day, but I did it and I started to feel a sense of pride and hope I haven’t felt for many years.

Then those little bumps started to come, my supervisor resigned and I found myself as the new person trying to keep things afloat etc. My sleep patterns were off and when I did sleep nightmares invaded my head and I’d wake up in a sweat with muscle aches/cramps. I kept going.. then a caught a nasty cold that just wouldn’t go away and one morning I found myself on a crowded bus and I just started crying, I could not stop it was like a leaking tap I couldn’t shut off. It felt like a crack that I’d been working really hard to keep sealed just burst open and I panicked. I tried to be a ‘good parent’ to myself and say it’s ok, this sort of stuff happens when you’re under pressure and feeling unwell but ever since that day it feels like my body has given in to my worst feelings of depression/anxiety. At first I had to take time off because I was physically sick with the cold etc but now I’ve recovered I still haven’t been able to return to work or leave the house. My whole body feels like it’s weighted down. If I don’t return to work tomorrow as I have promised I fear that I will be fired. The thought of having to go through the job search/Centrelink/interview process again makes me feel like I’m going to be sick.

I really hope that writing this post will help give me some clarity and motivate me to try again tomorrow.

[yggdrasil]

Ah yes that's understandable, driving can be very anxiety provoking. I hope it went OK with the email to your manager - let us know how it goes. We're all here for you and want the best for you. Take it 5 minutes at a time. Also want to echo what the others have said about talking to a GP and/or psych. This is absolutely essential for me. The other essential is exercise. Are you able to do any exercise around the house? My Dad got me onto "Joe Wicks" training on YouTube during COVID. He's a very nice British man and has a way of encouraging you kindly haha. He has some training videos for absolute beginners (that's where I started) and you don't need any equipment or anything like that. It's all little exercises you can do at home. There are lots of other YouTube trainings for Yoga and Pilates etc you can do in private at home. When I was really down and everything was a struggle I had to start at the absolute bottom. But slowly I got much stronger and now I'm skating every day for 2+ hours. There's something about working out your body in any way you can and that your comfortable with that helps with anxiety and panic I think. Take care,

yggdrasil