I want to try again, my mind wants me to give up.

[Enid_33]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been struggling for nearly four weeks with feelings of suicide/self-harm/worthlessness. In 2018 my mental health was at its worst after my husband left me, I moved into a small flat and isolated myself from the few friends I had. Soon after I left my long term job as I could no longer cope with the stress . I eventually used all my savings and suddenly found myself living in my mother’s lounge room just as the pandemic hit. I think I can count on my hand the number of times I left the house in that year. I eventually tried to make small changes, did some casual work and tried to reconnect with the few friends that responded to my messages.

I also started going to therapy again at least once a fortnight to try and get some help to make changes in my life. In July I was lucky enough to find a part time job I was excited about, in a new field. It was hard to learn new things, expose myself to people again, hell even my one hour public transport ride to the office and back started off feeling like a marathon of anxiety every day, but I did it and I started to feel a sense of pride and hope I haven’t felt for many years.

Then those little bumps started to come, my supervisor resigned and I found myself as the new person trying to keep things afloat etc. My sleep patterns were off and when I did sleep nightmares invaded my head and I’d wake up in a sweat with muscle aches/cramps. I kept going.. then a caught a nasty cold that just wouldn’t go away and one morning I found myself on a crowded bus and I just started crying, I could not stop it was like a leaking tap I couldn’t shut off. It felt like a crack that I’d been working really hard to keep sealed just burst open and I panicked. I tried to be a ‘good parent’ to myself and say it’s ok, this sort of stuff happens when you’re under pressure and feeling unwell but ever since that day it feels like my body has given in to my worst feelings of depression/anxiety. At first I had to take time off because I was physically sick with the cold etc but now I’ve recovered I still haven’t been able to return to work or leave the house. My whole body feels like it’s weighted down. If I don’t return to work tomorrow as I have promised I fear that I will be fired. The thought of having to go through the job search/Centrelink/interview process again makes me feel like I’m going to be sick.

I really hope that writing this post will help give me some clarity and motivate me to try again tomorrow.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Enid,

Welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums,

Thank you so much for sharing your story here with our community. We really hope we can be of some support to you. It sounds as though you've achieved a lot since 2018, and you should feel really proud for taking care of yourself and getting things back on track. We're really sorry to hear how overwhelmed you feel about having to return to work tomorrow. Could you tell us more about your work situation? We feel if you are not feeling physically or mentally well tomorrow it's perfectly acceptable (and important!) to take more time off to recover. Can we ask how long you have been away from work?

If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You might also want to look at our Heads-Up website. It has a lot of useful tips for managing and bringing awareness to mental health in the workplace. You also have a number of rights as an employee who is experiencing mental health concerns, you can read more about it here: https://www.headsup.org.au/healthy-workplaces/legal-rights-and-responsibilities

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.
 

[yggdrasil]

Hi Enid_33,

I want to echo what Sophie_M has said. The Heads-Up program sounds like a great resource.

I also want to say I really feel for you and relate to everything you have said. Your experience of the pandemic was very similar to mine. I have also broken down crying uncontrollably on public transport. It feels like you'll never get past that low point but you do. I know exactly that feeling of being weighted down (literally not metaphorically). I remember at one point I physically couldn't lift my body out of bed (despite strongly wanting to) and I remember finding it physically hard to walk up stairs. To get past this stuff just start at the absolute lowest level you need to. Wriggling your leg is a victory if it's hard to get out of bed. Then getting out of bed for 5 minutes is a victory. Then walking round the block is the next victory. You can't rush it, but you can also keep gentle pressure on yourself to find those tiny ways to turn the tide. Over weeks they add up, and you can eventually turn the whole thing around.

I have come to accept that sometimes I can handle really intense, high pressure jobs and situations, and other times I just can't. At those times I step back, and try to find the lightest possible work or volunteering I know I can handle. For example, once COVID hit I deferred my PhD and went back to doing fast food deliveries. Courier work isn't glamourous or high paying, but it can actually be really relaxing and even fun, and I found it pretty easy to get signed up with the different companies and get steady work, particularly at the moment as demand is high, but there are less people doing the work (less students in the country.) People are always extremely happy to get their food! Do you enjoy driving? If your current job is too high stress have you thought about trying something lighter like courier work? I've also done volunteering on community farms, and this has helped my mental state a lot.

[Enid_33]

Thank you, I will read that resource now. It’s been 3.5 weeks since I’ve been at work. The first week and a half was justified given my flu but now it’s just my mental health and I guess that fear of facing people, having to explain why I was away for so long when I’m a new employee, feeling like I’m going to be so behind and like I have to ‘start again to prove myself as a “good employee”. I know all of these negative thoughts aren’t helpful, I had a very bad experience/lack of support when I was open about my mental health issues at my previous job after being there for 5 years and it made the last few years with that service feel like hell most days. So maybe I’m panicking because of that.. I don’t know.

[Enid_33]

yggdrasil said:

Hi Enid_33,

I want to echo what Sophie_M has said. The Heads-Up program sounds like a great resource.

I also want to say I really feel for you and relate to everything you have said. Your experience of the pandemic was very similar to mine. I have also broken down crying uncontrollably on public transport. It feels like you'll never get past that low point but you do. I know exactly that feeling of being weighted down (literally not metaphorically). I remember at one point I physically couldn't lift my body out of bed (despite strongly wanting to) and I remember finding it physically hard to walk up stairs. To get past this stuff just start at the absolute lowest level you need to. Wriggling your leg is a victory if it's hard to get out of bed. Then getting out of bed for 5 minutes is a victory. Then walking round the block is the next victory. You can't rush it, but you can also keep gentle pressure on yourself to find those tiny ways to turn the tide. Over weeks they add up, and you can eventually turn the whole thing around.

I have come to accept that sometimes I can handle really intense, high pressure jobs and situations, and other times I just can't. At those times I step back, and try to find the lightest possible work or volunteering I know I can handle. For example, once COVID hit I deferred my PhD and went back to doing fast food deliveries. Courier work isn't glamourous or high paying, but it can actually be really relaxing and even fun, and I found it pretty easy to get signed up with the different companies and get steady work, particularly at the moment as demand is high, but there are less people doing the work (less students in the country.) People are always extremely happy to get their food! Do you enjoy driving? If your current job is too high stress have you thought about trying something lighter like courier work? I've also done volunteering on community farms, and this has helped my mental state a lot.

that sounds like a great way to look at things and be able to recognise your needs. Driving is one of my panic/attack tiggers which is the biggest pain in the ####. I do drive but only when I’m feeling well and usually only locally. I’ve made jokes that if I could just be a confident/low anxiety driver my life would improve, there are so many jobs I am interested in but I can’t even apply for because they require you to drive to different locations or drive people around etc. 😕

[Adalaide]

Hi Enid_33,

This post really resonated with me with your feelings of being super unmotivated and feeling like giving up, I've definitely been there before and it sucks.

Seeing a professional for help is an incredible place to start as they can help you find effective strategies to cope with your feelings and heal. Not only that but it gives you a chance to unload all of your thoughts and feelings without feeling like a burden.

Celebrating your small wins, as yggdrasil said, is essential to helping you feel more accomplished at the end of the day. When you feel like everything is difficult, being able to drink a glass of water should be celebrated as it can be a major challenge.

Another thing that can help is trying to get into a bit of a routine to eliminate part of the element of surprise that comes with day-to-day life. This was essential for me as it made life a little bit less of a question game and more of an easy-flowing 'no thinking' kind of thing (I hope that makes sense).

I hope this helps!

[Enid_33]

Feeling very down today, I was up all night waiting to go to work, at one point I got dressed and laid in bed. I considered taking alcohol in my water bottle to drink before I went into the office to calm my nerves, like I did on my worst days at my old job. In the end I just wrote an email to my manager and explained that I’ve been struggling with my mental health and if I can meet with her tomorrow. Been checking for a response once an hour because It feels like I’m going to have a panic attack, nothing yet.

[pezhead95]

Hi Enid,

My name's Luke, and I've suffered of a mix of anxiety and depression in my lifetime as a 26 year old male from an abusive home.

The reason I give that context, is because I've been through the Centrelink system multiple times as a result of losing my job multiple times. My purpose has always been unclear. Until recently, I thought I wasn't meant for much, and even though at the time I thought I was completely alone and full of resentment - I quickly realised after reaching a level of a much more stable state of mind that I was not truly alone, and that many people cared. I also realised how many people I could have impacted with my actions, seeing the results of suicide in the past.

In my experience, the mere thought of suicide, brings ultimate sadness to any one person or another, as it is truly heartbreaking to humanity. We all want you to be happy, and you can't be happy if you're not alive. We want you to win! And I guarantee you will, if you persist.

If I/we could do it, there is not a doubt in my mind that happiness was meant for you as well.

We love you, and wish you luck on your adventure -continue your fight, you are beautiful and an incredible inspiration to us all!

[Enid_33]

Thank you, been feeling so isolated, it is very kind of you to post your comment. I will try my best to keep going until tomorrow.

[Petal22]

Hi Enid 33,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand anxiety can be very hard to deal with.

I suffered with severe anxiety OCD and have now recovered thanks to the professional help I received.

Have you been able to speak to your gp about the way you are feeling?

You could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist who can give you many strategies for anxiety.

You can learn to manage your anxiety you just need to be taught the skills.