I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[hellohi]

Hi April,

I am really glad that you did catch up on your sleep, that is more important than the schoolwork as you don't get a chance to get away from things and relax. Did you get into a lot of trouble? In my school, there is a weird system, if you don't submit your work for over a week, they email you and then they wait a few days, then they email your parents and then they call your parents.

Trauma, If you want love are both amazing songs. I also love Let Me Go and I miss the days. Paralysed is such an amazing song, the lyrics are so deep and powerful. My favourite part, 'I'm in a box. But I'm the one who locked me in', I feel that way. You are right, his music is different as there is a mix in the speed of the songs and emotions they provoke. Chasing is a really powerful and beautiful song, I heard it on youtube yesterday and the way they sing it and the lyrics is amazing.

Have you felt like you want to cry or feel some other emotion, but you can't express it anymore? I feel that way, its really weird, it makes me uneasy and overwhelmed, its like parts of me are disappearing. Schoolwork is getting really hard, I just can't concentrate, I just don't see the point of keeping going anymore, I don't know how I kept pushing myself to keep working but I don't think I can anymore.

It is a horrible feeling of being in that place where you should feel happy but your mind tells you can't, it's like a fear of feeling happy, is it like compromising joy for safety so you don't get hurt again? I get irrationally angry too, at that moment I can't think of anything and I have to get my anger out, I used to do it through basketball, but now I have given up so I don't play basketball anymore, I feel some of the anger is still boiling within me, do you feel this way?

Has it been helpful talking to your psychologist? when I talk to my school counsellor, it always gets awkward, but it's funny to see her facial expression whenever I mention death lol. But I try to not to talk about it because I feel like the counsellor feels awkward and uncomfortable because of me. Next time, I meet her, I think in 2-3 weeks, I just going to say I am fine so I don't have to talk to her.

It is really good that you are trying to remind yourself that it is not the end of the world and it wasn't your fault, it was someone else's responsibility. Presentations are the absolute worst, I think we are having 1-2 this term, I hate presentations everyone is staring and it's a horrible experience.

[hellohi]

I understand why you get really worried about what they say. People are stressful and incredibly hard to understand whether they like you or not. Do you feel like over time the trust builds or does it stay the same?

I find it hard to trust, as trust can be broken so easily, it is so fragile. I had this friend in primary school, who I shared my secrets of how life is at home and the bullying, she changed and friendship was ruined too, and since then I had problems with trusting others. I trusted the school counsellor and they broke my trust too. Have you had bad experiences with trust?

Is your birthday in November? I just turned 15 yesterday haha. It does seem so close and how one day our lives will change completely, we will be in the "big dark world". I wonder how it feels, whether it will be easier or harder than now

I am glad that the first was good. How does that numb feeling feel like for you? I hope that feeling does leave soon.

I feel like I can't describe the feeling, I feel different and I can't express it. I feel like I am unconsciously suppressing my emotions. Have you felt this way?

How are you going? I hope that feeling leaves quickly. I hope you have a good day at school.

Thank you for being here and being my friend.

Your grateful friend forever,

Neerja

[Sophie_M]

Dear Hello, hi 

We're so sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you. Trouble concentrating, feeling angry and overwhelmed, and trouble expressing emotions are all difficult things to be experiencing. We're so glad you felt comfortable enough to share these emotions with others on our forums and we hope that sharing them at least brings you some comfort. If you haven't already, we'd encourage you to speak to an adult you can trust about how you're feeling for some extra support. 

There are many services that you can contact should you want to speak with someone in more depth about how you're feeling. For example, you can contact our support service by phone (available 24/7) on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat (available 3pm-12am AEST) on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.  If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. Both of these services are free, confidential, and you can remain anonymous. 

Please feel free to keep reaching out as you need it. Our community is always around to support you. 

[hellohi]

Hi Sophie_M,

Sharing has brought me a bit of comfort.

I really wish I could actually feel something and I have fallen behind in my schoolwork because I just can't concentrate and keep pushing myself.

I don't have an adult who I trust, sorry.

But thank you,

Neerja

[Croix]

Dear Neerja~

I've known for quite a while you are in the situation where if you're honest about your thoughts and feelings it gets back to your parents, which you don't want.So you say little to councilors and such

Although I've asked various sources that seems to be the way it is -however, the best of the bunch, as far as I can tell, is Headspace.

Not easy to get into as they may have a long delay , they'll certainly take your details, and maybe get in early if someone cancels, but normally (depending on your location), have a one-stop shop wiht GP, nurse and Psych all together. This give them a fair bit more muscle when talking to your parents.

Why don't you make some inquiries and see waht you can find out? It cant hurt.

Trust is something else. I trust Mrs C 100% with everything, from confidentiality and care, to reliability and honesty. The same the the late Mrs C. I've not trusted that many others. Some people are treasures, you find them as life goes on

There are al sorts of treasures in life, Sumo Cat being one. A very relaxed cat, huge body, not so much fat as small tiger with fluffy fur rather than stripes. Very dignified to look at but has the smallest voice, as if it was only a tiny cat.

We staff are in trouble, of a morning he likes to go outside for a few minutes and survey the world, but would prefer it not to be cold (fat chance ATM), so he expects us to keep opening outside doors untul we find "the door into summer". We don't manage that of course and are in trouble as a result. He raises his nose and stalks out as if we were doing it deliberately.

Yes, schoolwork is important, but not as important as you. If you fall behind, OK that's how it is. You may not beleive me but you will have a whole lifetime to catch up. I re-commenced studies in early middle age - and did well. My first attempt as a teenager was a bit of a waste:(

You can talk here, Sophie, April and I listen, even if answers are hard to find.

We care

Croix

[____]

Hey Neerja,

Happy Birthday!!

I don't know if you're a birthday person but I hope you had a good day 🙂

In quarantine I had set alarms for the start of each class so i could sign my name in and go right back to bed. I would've gotten in trouble but the entire school did the same thing and they can't punish over a thousand kids.

I hate that feeling. It would be so much better if I could just be sad rather than too numb to be sad. If I was sad then I could cry and let my feelings out but without feelings, there's no way to get any release.

I hate when people ask 'are you okay' because you just have to lie to them. Every time someone asks if I'm okay I get a little bit closer to completely breaking down and telling someone all my problems. Is it like that for you??

I really wish there was some advice I could give you as to how you can stop feeling numb and get stuff done but I think I feel the same as you. The only thing i can recommend is music but you do already listen to nf. Blasting music in earphones may be terrible for your eardrums and annoying for people around you if you listen to it too loud, but, it's such a good feeling and it's how I let out anger. The few minutes it takes to walk from my classroom to the bus stop or the bus stop to my house are the best part of my day. I play loud music and walk in time to it and pretend the world isn't there anymore.

Psychologists are hard to talk to. If you mention that you're the slightest bit unhappy they'll bug you about it for weeks on end.

I know what you mean about unconsciously suppressing emotion. I think I'm scared that if I step out of my comfort zone and show emotion, someone will hurt me. If I get close enough to someone I'll share with them my emotions and when I'm most vulnerable, they'll do something that makes me want to sink into the ground and stay there.

I think when we're older it'll be harder with jobs and bills and money and politics but maybe the freedom of living alone will compensate for that.

I'm not doing great at the moment but I'm trying to find something to look forward to so i'm more motivated to do things.

How are you?? I hope you're not too numb at the moment

Thank you for being so understanding

Your good friend

April

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

I think there are Headspace centres here in VIC, I remember reading about it in the school counsellor room. But, how will I contact them, how will I get there and what will I tell them? I don't even know if anything is going help anymore.

I have tried eHeadspace before and used the webchat, but to be honest it is like Kids Helpline.

Trusting others is really hard as it is so fragile and when it breaks it has a horrible impact.

I am really glad and it is really good that you have someone who you trust 100% with everything. I bet Mrs C trust you, 100% with everything. Its really good.

You described Sumo Cat really well, I can imagine him. He sounds really alike to my neighbours' cat, haha she has the smallest voice too. Sumo cat sounds like an amazing pet, he has expectations but he is always there to support when you need him. You are the employees of Sumo cat hehe. he really wants it to be warm outside, I understand why he raises his nose and stalks out, the boss is not happy that you can't find the door into summer, and he will reduce the paycheck hehe.

I think one of the reasons I find it hard to trust, is that my parents don't trust me, they don't trust each other and I have seen it every day for many years. Seeing them arguing, fighting, yelling has been really impacted the person I am now. I am always scared to tell them things and I have gotten so used to hiding things, to be honest, I have no idea how I have been open here, I guess it is because I am anonymous.

I wish my parents saw schoolwork that way. But, I guess it's my fault that I am behind because I spend too much time on tasks and if I don't it is enough I would spend the entire day on an assignment, my mind just reminds me that if it isn't ok then I would make another mistake and reminds me of all of the mistakes.

It is really good that you re-commenced studies.

You are right, there is not a specific or set age to do studies and find a job and etc.

Thank you for listening and caring.

I hope you and your family are doing well.

Your friend

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi April

Thank you so much! 🙂

I don't know if I am a birthday person, I like the fact that there are birthdays but I haven't really celebrated it. I had an ok for my birthday, everyone left and I was home alone and didn't do much. But at least I got some schoolwork done.

That is a really good idea and having alarms, I do the same thing for homeroom. Did you have to turn on the camera for the classes? I didn't, which was lucky because I have no energy for getting ready. Hehe, that is true they can't punish a thousand kids, but also everyone is at home and they can do whatever they wish at home

You are right, when you are feeling sad they is some sort of release, but when you feel numb you don't what to do about it.

I understand how you feel when people ask 'are you okay'. That happens to me too, its a horrible feeling and being so close to breaking down and then being forced to hide it and go on with your day. Do you get bubbling up feeling, like you mind gets blocked with thoughts and all your emotions start to rise when someone asks whether you are okay? When my school counsellor asks, it is so hard to push down the emotions and stop myself from crying. I cried once in the session because I just couldn't control it, that was embarrassing

You are right, the feeling that listening to music is amazing. it is a really good release for emotions. I really like how you walk in time to the music and pretend the world isn't there anymore, that is a really good thing to do. I used to play basketball to release my anger, sometimes it helped but now I have no energy or motivation to go and play. Do you feel like that with every coming day, you just want to withdraw from everything and not do anything?

That does sound annoying how they will bug you about it. My school counsellor does the same thing, due to this, I try to avoid talking about how I am feeling.

I feel like I want to cry but I just can't anymore, it's frustrating

I understand what you mean about the fear of stepping out your comfort zone and fear of someone hurting you, even more, I think I feel the same way

Having a job, bills, politics and more people surrounding would be difficult, also being independent after spending 18 years dependent on your parents, you are right, maybe living alone may compensate for that

I am really sorry that you're not feeling great. Do you want to talk about it? I will always be here to listen, whenever you do.

How are you?

Thank you for everything

Your friend,

Neerja

[____]

Hey Neerja,

How are you?

I'm so sorry for the late reply. It's currently assessment season and it's been quite overwhelming.

Most of our classes weren't actually zoom things, you just needed to log on and complete work at your own pace. I liked it that way because I could choose when I did each class.

When people ask if I'm okay I suddenly feel so much worse because it forces me to actually acknowledge how i feel. I say yes I'm fine because I really don't want to explain anything.

I always struggle with getting up in the morning because it's the same thing every day and I just can't bring myself to move.

At the moment everything is really weird because I actually have some good friends at school but I still feel lonely. I'm always scared to open up to people in case they decide not to be friends anymore. I'm kind of confused because I thought having friends would make me happier and while it's nice, I still don't feel anything.

I try and find things to look forward to as it keeps me going but if I'm only ever waiting for things to happen I'm not really living, I'm just waiting to live. I am kind of looking forward to the holidays but I know I'll spend them in bed with no motivation to stand up and nothing I look forward to will ever be what I expect or want.

I've realised that it's impossible to be yourself. I don't even know who myself i and every time I find something I like, everyone else suddenly likes it too because I'm not as 'unique and special' as I'd like to think lol. Every single action you take is the result of what has happened in your life so far. It feels like there's no way to think for yourself and I don't like it.

I'm seeing my psychologist on monday but I can never talk about the deep stuff you're meant to talk about. I don't want to seem weird and as soon as you even mention suicidal thoughts or self harming they tell your parents.

Thank you for continuing to talk to me and I am very sorry for the late repyly.

Your good friend,

April

[Sophie_M]

Hi April, 

We're sorry to hear that you've been struggling to find things to look forward to. It's great that you're trying to, and that you have some good friends at school. It can sometimes take some time to feel comfortable and connected to friends. You might be interested in this ReachOut article on loneliness - https://au.reachout.com/everyday-issues/isolation-and-loneliness

It's also great to hear that you've been seeing your psychologist. We'd recommend that you be as open and honest with your psychologist as possible, because this will enable them to provide you with the best support. Do also remember that you can always chat to Kids Help Line if you are more comfortable speaking over webchat.