I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[____]

Hey Neerja,

Don't apologise for being sick, it's not your fault. You're not a terrible person at all.

I can't find piece of sky at my local library but hopefully it will be at a different one. It looks like a really good book.

In the past month I've joined a new group of really nice people but unfortunately I'm not happy like i thought i would be. I assumed that once i had friends everything would be better but I still find myself wishing I was anywhere but here. I don't understand why, I have friends at school and I have you but sometimes I still feel lonely. It's going to sound stupid but it feels lonely inside my head. I can never fully describe how I feel and it would be so much easier if someone could just know. I also wish that I could go inside someone else's head and know how they think. I'm always so amazed by the fact that everyone I meet has their own complicated life and are real people. Apparently that's called sonder.

I hate when people joke about suicide like that. It's fine to make fun of yourself and it's fine to make fun of others when they agree to it but it's not okay to make fun of someone for being suicidal when they most certainly aren't asking for it.

The duologue wasn't too bad. I convinced the teacher to let me do it with someone else. We failed the assignment but at least it's over with.

I've never had surgery or even been in a hospital. What was it like? It sounds kind of scary honestly. Are you okay now?

Group projects are the worst. I had one in commerce and I had to make the powerpoint by myself the morning we were presenting. It was a group of 5. I really wish people would at least try.

I hate doing school work in the holidays. I don't think they should make you spend your holidays catching up on work. It's not exactly fair on you considering you just had surgery. You didn't exactly ask for it.

I've been a bit stressed about friends and just kinda people in general but I don't think that compares to getting surgery.

I am very glad you're doing okay after surgery. How do you feel?

I hope you know how much I appreciate your being here. Thank you for everything.

Your good friend

April

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

Fingers crossed that you don't have to go to the hospital.

How are you? Is it really cold today? Do you like staying inside?

Mrs C cares about you really much!

Sumo Cat has some fixed preferences! He probably loves the comfort of his home. He sets for a mission for 5 minutes of the cold, windy and fresh air and that is enough for him and then he goes off to with his accomplishment and to celebrate by spending 23 hours and 55 minutes in the comfort of the home.

I didn't have much to do in the hospital. I spent most of the time asleep because of the medications, I think they gave 3 pills 3 times a day. There wasn't a tv or any other devices. Haha, you are right about the placement of the call button.

I guess being in the hospital gave me a chance to be by myself and not really notice the suicidal thoughts because I was asleep for most of the time. Coming back from the hospital was horrible because of a sudden I was put in front of so much schoolwork that had pilled up.

It takes time to open up and when you open up the time has finished. In the end, the chat actually makes you feel worse because it feels like that no one is willing to spend time with you or you are just a waste of time and that's why they are timing the chats.

You are right reading dry information isn't something many people want to do.

It's hard to just say the thoughts in your mind and use words to describe them. I understand why you didn't talk about your suicidal thoughts because I have the same reasons. Another one is how people would act like they care but then go off gossiping about you or think badly about you. But also to make someone else feel uncomfortable when talking about suicidal thoughts and being a burden on others.

The weird thing about suicidal thoughts is that they can happen at any moment, they can intensify just by themselves. Its been getting harder to motivate to do schoolwork, but what is the point? Death can come at any time.

I think by the time I meet the right person I may not be on earth haha.

I had a question does anyone truly love their life and feel as though there is point in living and have true hope?

I hope you are doing well and you don't have to go to the hospital this Winter.

I hope you have a good day.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi April,

Thank you for understanding and thank you for being my friend. I really appreciate you being here and it's really nice to talk to you again.

I think you will like Pieces of Sky. But there is that happy ending which really makes the book not meaningful and unrealistic even though it is fiction.

Is your school doing remote learning? In Vic it is still remote learning, I kind of like remote learning because I don't have to talk to other people.

I am extremely glad that you found a group with really nice people. I understand why you feel lonely. Is it like your unconscious mind is wishing for something else that your conscious mind can't really figure out what it is? It doesn't sound stupid. I understand what you mean about wanting to not feel lonely but when you do have people surrounding you, that feeling of being lonely doesn't seem to leave and you don't why. It would be amazing to go into someone else's head and know how they think. I haven't heard of sonder before, but at least there is a word to describe that feeling. I wish we could know what someone finds behind their smile.

I hate it too, especially from someone that you won't expect will make jokes like that. But here is a safe place to talk about it because people understand here.

I am really glad that you convinced the teacher to do the duologue with someone else and it wasn't too bad. Do you like the feeling after just completing an assignment and a sense of relief that lasts a few moments?

Being in hospital was weird because everyone was running around because of Covid-19, not many people were allowed in the room and I had to get a covid test done - that was the worst part I think haha. I am okay now I have finished the medications and can walk and even run now.

You are right group projects are the worst. That is horrible that you have to do the PowerPoint by yourself the day you were presenting. In my past groups, people have just spent the time talking and not doing anything, I remember doing this report thing during the weekend and the others got the credit for it.

I wish the teachers saw it that way but they think that work will just keep piling up. I still haven't finished everything. Today is the first day of school.

I am really sorry that you have been stressed about your friends and other people, it is hard. People in general can be very stressful, it's so hard to comprehend others.

[Croix]

Dear Neerja ~

I’m glad you came out of hospital ok, and can just imagine the amount of work that has piled up in the meantime. Is there any way you can get some help with that? I don’t mean just extra time, because working will still pile up, but tuition perhaps?

To return to the world with the suicidal thoughts after days of mainly sleep (I hope you did not dream) is pretty confronting, and I understand all but one of the reasons you do not like chats (“your 20 minutes is up, next please”) or talking about suicide.

Yes most professionals will time limit, and it takes a special one to give you a feeling of security and being understood with individual attention in that time. I’ve been pretty lucky with my psychiatrists, and if I think it is going to be a heavy session then book extra time.

But I’m not talking about that. You said “But also to make someone else feel uncomfortable when talking about suicidal thoughts and being a burden on others.”

OK, you are right, it does make some uncomfortable (are you comfortable BTW?) and talking to others can indeed put a burden on them. Where I disagree with you is the fact you are entitled.

Sumo is entitled to be fed, given a warm cosy life, taken to the vet for checkups etc, and generally loved and looked after. So is Foxy Dog. It is a similar thing with Mrs C (though not the vet), and it is up to others to make sure these things happen.

Your parents, doctor and the rest are all there to provide you with what they can, and make your life as good as possible. If that places a burden that is natural and the way mature and loving humans operate. In fact, letting someone down when they are in need can make one feel guilty for life. No use saying “I didn’t know”, that does not help.

So you talk to who you can, here being just one place.

Motivation, for schoolwork? Do the bits you enjoy first and see what happens. Also group projects never work, with luck 2 of the bunch will do just about the lot.

I don’t know what true hope is, so cannot answer that, I do know I want to be here tomorrow, see Mrs C and joke, watch Sumo being “busy” and give you and April space to say what you need and enjoy each other's company.

Croix

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

I went to tuition before covid. But now they don't do it anymore. I don't know how everyone else finishes their work so quickly. I am really slow, I would spend hours on schoolwork but still feel like I haven't done enough.

I don't why but the “your 20 minutes is up, next please” reason haha, makes me feel weird and not wanting to use the chats, I don't why. The reason I don't like the chats because they have always made me feel worse. They will tell me things like to exercise more, but I don't have any energy for that. I also feel weird opening the chat and filling out of those questions, its hard to be open up about everything and also asking for help.

You are right it does take a special one to give you a feeling of security and being understood. I am really glad you have been pretty lucky with your psychiatrists.

I don't know how I feel about talking about my suicidal thoughts, I feel ok and comfortable talking about it here because I am behind a screen. But I don't know why I don't feel comfortable on the chats.

Maybe they are there to make life as good as possible. But what if you don't want to live, you are sick and tired of everything and being alive. What if there is no future for you?

You are right 'I didn't know' doesn't help.

To be honest, I did try last year, to talk to my parents about it but they never understand because I always show that I am happy even when I am not genuinely happy and it's fake. But they don't bother to try to understand they actually make things worse at times, they say things that and expect that them buying things for me makes everything good. Maybe I expect too much from them, but I thought they cared about how I felt but now I know they don't.

Sumo Cat and Foxy Dog love the warm cosy and comfortable life and feeling that sense of security and love. Haha, I really like how you said that Sumo Cat is entitled to be fed, given a warm cosy life, taken to the vet for checkups and being looked after.

They sound like really sweet pets

You are right group projects never work haha.

I will do the bits that sound more appealing than the others first, thanks Croix 🙂

What does Sumo Cat when you watch him/her being 'busy'? Haha, it sounds really funny as he/she does like to relax.

How are you?

I hope you, your friends and family and Sumo Cat and Foxy Dot are doing well.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Neerja.

[hellohi]

Hi April,

I wanted to ask how you are doing? How is school?

Its term 4 already and we going to year 10 next year.

For some reason, the ends of my reply weren't sent haha.

Your friend,

Neerja

Thank you for being my friend, I really appreciate it. 🙂

[____]

Hey Neerja,

We came back to school a few months ago and I kinda miss online classes. Coming back was such a weird feeling. I'm glad we don't have as many precautions now but it was so nice not having to see anyone or make sure I look decent. How is it still doing remote learning?

It definitely could be my mind telling me that I'm missing something. It would be quite helpful to know what it is because I can't really seem to get used to the empty hollow feeling. It's always kind of there reminding me that I'm not happy, even if i feel like i am. Come to think of it, that's probably just depression. I would've thought that I'd be over it by now. Depression is incredibly stupid. Sometimes I feel like I'm using it as an excuse to be lazy.

I do like the feeling when i finish an assignment. Just those few minutes after the presentation when your heart is pounding and another group has gone up and no one is looking at you anymore. Do you do many presentations?

We had to fill out a table for the group assignment of who did what in each lesson. The guy who was assigned to fill it in for everybody only logged his and his friends work. I didn't even realise until it was submitted and too late to fix it. Needless to say, I'm not doing great in commerce.

People are very stressful. I can never tell if they like me or are being nice so as not to be mean. Do you ever feel the same way?

How are you? I hope you're doing good and your assessments don't stress you out too much

Many thanks,

Your good friend,

April

[Croix]

Dear April~

I hope you do not mind if I join in even though you were talking to Neerja.

Being back at school for a few months will have placed you back into the midst of all those difficult and worrying situations wiht other people - one of the seeming few advantages of distance learning I guess. Still getting to deal with people without distressing yourself is a skill you will acquire.

Joint student projects/presentations are a nightmare for most, and I guess the first thing to say is that your grade is not a reflection on your ability to do OK in commerce.

Instead it gave you one of life's harder lessons -some people are unreliable or downright dishonest.

Many institutions demand a cover sheet with student name, saying the bits they did and their signature. All fill that page in and there is therefore opportunity to set things right if someone is not straight.

I'm glad you recognize the good feeling of a job completed. It is a change from the worry beforehand and does one good.

You mentioned:

People are very stressful. I can never tell if they like me or are being nice so as not to be mean.

I'm not sure it is as important as you think, they all sound nice people, either because they like you or are considerate of you -both are good.

That empty feeling and the mixed ones, I hope they grow less and go

Croix

[hellohi]

Hi April,

I understand why you like remote learning. It feels nice being alone. I am kind of like remote learning, but sometimes I end up sleeping too much and not getting enough work done.

I know this is a random question haha, but have you heard of the song Paralysed by NF, have you felt that way? I feel that way, I don't know what is going on. What is your favourite song? I think mine is Hate Myself, Leave Me Alone and Only.

You are right, it would be easier to know what it is, it is weird having that hollow feeling. Does your mind remind you not enjoy things, not to feel happy, not forget the mistakes? My mind does that, I get frustrated. I don't think you are being lazy, you are trying to do something about those feelings.

Have you been able to talk to your psychologist during this time?

I don't have many presentations, I think only one this year and three last year. It is a nice feeling which lasts only a few moments. Do you have many presentations?

Thats not good that he only logged his and his friends work, is there a way you could change it? It must be really annoying.

I feel that way too, I wish people were more easier to comprehend. There are so many sides of people and sometimes you don't even realise whether they really mean something or just saying it. Do you believe the things that others say? Like when they say something nice for your work will you believe it. My mind doesn't let me do it, it reminds me of the things that wrong. They say you should find the good in everything, but I find the bad in everything haha. Do you feel this way?

3 more years till we are both 18 haha. Do you feel worried about the future?

I am going ok I guess, the assignments are hard and they have increased the workload, yay!

How are you? How is school going? Is your friend group good?

I hope you are doing well and thank you for being here and being my friend.

Your friend,

Neerja

[____]

Hey Neerja,
I slept through most of quarantine. It was nice until I got in trouble for not handing work in. It was worth it. I caught up on a lot of much needed sleep.

Paralyzed is probably one of my favourite songs of his. I also love trauma, hate myself, if you want love and his new demo called chasing is amazing. I love how he has some really slow songs like paralyzed then faster ones like paid my dues and even some pop songs.

I hate that feeling I'll be in a situation where I should be happy but my mind tells me that I'm not allowed to and suddenly I'm numb for no reason other than my mind told me I can't be happy. Sometimes I get irrationally angry and it feels like I'll literally explode which is absolutely cliche but the only explanation i can come up with. Does this ever happen to you?

I haven't seen my psych in a while but i think i'm seeing her in a week or two.I never know what to talk about and it gets awkward sometimes.

The assignment has already been marked unfortunately but it's just an assignment. I'm trying to remind myself it's not the end of the world. I really hope that it doesn't happen again though.
We don't do many presentations thankfully. They're the absolute worst thing and I hope I never do another one although I highly doubt that would happen.

I have never been able to believe anyone easily. I have no reason to. It's not that unlikely that they're being awful behind my back. I care way too much about what people think about me. If i know someone has mentioned me in a conversation I get really worried about what they said.

Being 18 seems so far away considering I'm not even 15 for another month. At the same time, it seems so close. It's weird because all we've ever known is school and one day that will just be over and we'll have to be functioning members of society.

School is a bit boring at the moment. My first day back was actually good and I was quite happy. I though that I would have a good term but today I got that awful numb feeling and I know that it's not going to go away until at around the last day of school. What about you?

I hope you manage all your school work okay. I wish they wouldn't just dump it on you and expect you to do well.
How are you?

Thank you for everything,

Your good friend
April