I’m new, and I’m not ok.

[Serenity22]

I’d rather speak on here than to a friend or family member. My suicidal thoughts began a year ago, linked to several surgeries involving malpractice and bad luck, surrounded with betrayal from a past partner and being kicked out of the house and back to my home state, with nowhere to live and no job, with health issues. My physical health won’t be the same. Not a moment in my day exists without physical pain. I’m nobody’s priority. Sometimes ppl say… oh, well you look good…you’re smart, and still have your looks at 41… and somehow ppl think that has any effect on my physical pain. I think some ppl look at slim, attractive women and think they have no problems. My pain is physical and it can’t be seen. I can’t wear shoes, or go barefoot so I lay or sit most of the time. I had a procedure a few days ago and the anaesthetic is no doubt causing depression which I don’t normally feel. I feel sad, or pain, or ptsd traits like nightmares but not depression. Not like this. The last person who betrayed me contacted me yesterday and the timing is leaving me in a spiral, where I have gone through the motions of how I will end things. I tell myself… if a pink rose appears on the tv in the next 2 scenes, I won’t do it. I wish I could find a reason to stay.. hope…hope for my health that something can be done. But ive lost my ability to exercise, take care of myself, work, and lost the chance of a family and possibly a relationship…ever. And that’s a life I can’t see me living. I need a miracle. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Serenity22,

I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. Relentless physical pain can push us to our limits, then betrayal from a partner and coming to terms with other losses - work, possibly not having a family etc, it’s extremely understandable to feel overwhelmed. Having pain that is invisible too can be so hard as others sometimes really don’t get it. Medical malpractice is also a very distressing thing to have to deal with.

I’m 48 now and have endured strong physical pain from the age of 13, starting with severe migraines and fibromyalgia and later interstitial cystitis which was the most debilitating and most recently an autoimmune liver disease. My 40s have been characterised by multiple losses including the deaths of friends and family, and the loss of a chance to have my own family too which I had always hoped to do.

But now at the end of my 40s I’m gradually coming to terms with the struggles I’ve been through, so I want to encourage you to know that things can get better. I’ve recently had some major mental health impacts linked to perimenopause, but even that now looks like it can be successfully treated. So sometimes when it feels like there is no hope, there actually still is.

 I have used helplines multiple times in the last couple of years (Suicide Callback Service, Lifeline, Beyond Blue, Blue Knot Foundation and Griefline). I have found it is worth just continuing to reach out whenever you need support. If you don’t feel you get the right help the first time you call, just call again. I have found this works and it has really helped me when I felt like there was no way out from the place I was in. I found that the Suicide Callback Service and Blue Knot Foundation in particular seemed to be especially skilled at helping me to ground myself and find a place of safety and stabilisation.

 I am wondering if you have any supports in place at the moment, such as any counselling support? I know pain can be very isolating and you are very limited at the moment with movement. There are options for Telehealth (I see my psychologist this way on FaceTime).

I feel like from what you describe you've had too many things to deal with that have piled up and your system has reached overload. I know this can be utterly horrible. I think the way through is being as kind and gentle with yourself as you can. Several times I have lost the ability to exercise and thought my life was over, and then I was able to do things again gradually over time. Healing can be very incremental, but it can happen and self-nurturance and just going gently are so important.

When I was unable to walk even a few steps without severe pain I read books that were either healing or took me to another place that wasn’t the pain. I listened to a meditation tape someone lent to me a lot and developed meditation techniques for managing pain. I started writing a journal too and was recording my dreams back then and learning about myself. I understand about the nightmares too as I have complex ptsd and get the nightmares and flashbacks. Today I listen to podcasts a lot on all sorts of topics. I have a hobby which is photography which I love. Is there anything you love or feel a connection with that you feel you can do with the physical limitations you have at present?

Sorry, I wrote a lot there. I just wanted to share my experience to give some hope that it’s possible to get through very difficult times. I wanted to send you support and to know that things are always in flux and can get better. Often we have growth, insight and wisdom that comes out of hardship and is enriching as we go forward in life, even if it’s hard to see that now.

Take care and happy to listen if you want to talk more,

ER

[therising]

Hi Serenity22

There can be so many links missing in a chain of recovery. Being able to feel the missing links can be such a depressing and even cruel experience. My heart goes out to you as you work so hard to manage the challenges you face while also trying to move forward in some constructive way that doesn't feel so stressful and depressing.

A perfect chain of events, without links missing, would be 1)go in for surgery, 2)stay as long as you need in hospital in the way of recovery/rehab, 3)return to accommodation where your needs are met, 4)gradually manage to find what works in managing pain and 5)make your way back out into the world with some new skills and abilities gained while in recovery. While perfect, typically what we face in challenging situations is far from perfect at times. Sometimes I think it partly comes down to a depressing lack of wonder on the part of the people around us. Whether it involves hospital staff dictating in one way or another 'It's not our job to wonder about what happens to you once you leave hospital' or it involves parents or other family members dictating in one way or another 'It's not our job to wonder about how you're going to manage your life at 41 (like with coming to live with us while you recover and face one of the most challenging times of your life)' or it involves specialists dictating in one way or another 'It's not our job to start wondering about pain management outside the square' and so on, such a lack of wonder from the people around us can become depressing. And then there are all the people who simply don't lead us to wonder. They'll simply leave us in 'the dark'.

One of the many things I love about Eagle Ray is their sense of wonder. Wondering about certain psychological resources, certain medical resources or even soulful kinds of resources can involve wondering about different counseling services, medical services, books for research, internet/podcast offerings and more. It can mean no longer relying on services that can leave us in a state of feeling lost and hopeless. I've found the worst resources are the most depressing ones. They definitely have a feel to them. For example, while some GPs will state depressing low levels of B12 cannot be caused by exposure to certain anesthetics, wonderful Gps will acknowledge that this is a thing and they'll wonder about whether it couldn't hurt to order some blood tests. Btw, I know the B12 factor is a thing after surgery because I experienced it myself. Can't hurt to wonder about getting some blood work done, for a start.

[Serenity22]

Firstly, thank you. Thank you for taking he time and energy to write a thoughtful reply to a complete stranger. The parts I read about you also missing out on creating a family made me feel better (it’s not ideal that other people’s relatable problems ease me somewhat but I’m sure you get it). 

I’ve used the suicide hotlines sparingly. You’re right… sometimes you don’t get the right person. And often, I’ve felt worse after speaking with them. 

I don’t know anybody who’s gone through the amount of extreme trauma I’ve had, so I find it hard to see hope. I really crave examples of people who’ve gone through similar things but every story I find…I can’t relate. 

My support network is largely my Mother. Being around her can sometimes make me more suicidal. She’s a sweet lady but my brother has schizophrenia and my parents did nothing to protect me. A boyfriend when I was living at home had to put a lock on my door so my brother wouldn’t come in at night. I’ve slept in my car or at hospitals because I wasn’t safe at home. My father was often terrifying. I mention this because my Mum, now separated…pays for the mortgage in the house my brother stays in. And I have to fend for myself. 

Even though I need her help, greatly. It is triggering and unhealthy to be exposed to the insanity surrounding my Mother and Brother that I’ve had to step back…and I will miss her but I won’t miss how she makes me feel. I was forgotten and neglected growing up. I sought my own medical attention from a young age. So.. now that all of a sudden my health makes me dependent….I’m right back where I was… being reminded of how I felt worthless.

My brother qualifies for his own place but he never wanted to go and my parents never made him. I won’t give details of things my brother did because this post will be too long. 

Essentially, I know I need counselling. I need to complete NDIS paperwork. But I’ve found the will to carry on to make it happen isn’t there. I feel like life has beaten me. I am so passionate and smart, with dreams and goals but I can’t use my mind or my body to do the things necessary to make anything happen. 

I’ve spoken to a few counsellors but none were equipped for the horrendous things I told them that had happened to me/still are. It’s as if my load is too much for me….but it’s also too much for others. 

if money were no issue I know a good therapist, but since I don’t… I’ll need to apply for NDIS and I just haven’t got anything left in the tank. 

Entertainment-wise, I watch tv/YouTube. Podcasts I can’t do due to the pain.. they aren’t distracting enough. 

If anyone has read my full reply…I commend you. And Eagle Ray….I’m thankful you’ve reached out to tell me your story. You are clearly a kind, strong person. And I’m glad I thought to check in, today. Your reply was a nice surprise. Xoxo 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Serenity22,

 I hear your lifelong isolation and struggle. I understand it would be extremely isolating throughout childhood with the focus on your brother, then how your current struggle with pain and health issues brings up those feelings of worthlessness stemming from that neglect again. That isolation is horrendous and I just don’t think is fully grasped by someone who hasn’t been through it. I can see how it has been hard to find the right help and support, and then the difficulty in facing the NDIS paperwork.

There are advocacy bodies in different states who can sometimes provide help with things like paperwork for NDIS. You really just need even just one person to be there for you enough that you don’t feel so isolated. The good therapist you know sounds promising and if you could just get over the line with the NDIS paperwork it could be the holding space you need to begin to heal.

I can hear that there is spirit in you, the dreams and goals you mention and that you are intelligent and passionate. I know in another thread we were speaking about the way a feeling in the part of the body that is not in pain, or much less pain, can be kind of expanded into the painful areas with somatic awareness. I feel this is true of the spirit also, the part of us that remains untouched by the suffering the rest of our being has endured. That part is amazingly resilient and can come to life again, as impossible as that can feel at times.

I've learned that co-regulation with another safe human can be profoundly healing for this part of the self. It's challenging that we often have to quest to find this safe human, and ideally a few humans, we can have this safety with. They need to be a truly empathic person who gets your situation. Last year my psychologist was encouraging me to just feel. For the first time ever in my life I just put my head down and cried in the presence of another. I had never actually done that before as I'm used to there being no one and always having to battle alone. It was kind of a turning point for me. She was just so kind and present with me and often it is literally just that presence with another kind human that begins to turn around the parts of us that can feel they are disintegrating.

I can empathise how you feel ambivalent in relation to seeking support from your mother. Our mum is who we naturally want to be able to orient to yet sometimes they are simply not able to be there for us in the way we need. Like you I was frightened of my dad as a child who could be both physically and verbally abusive. My mum had volatile rage stemming from her own trauma. However, she saw my brother as the golden child and so the rage was directed onto me and actually dad as well. It was all very messed up. But I do greatly empathise with that feeling of no one in your family being there for you and how later experiences re-trigger that isolation. But there really is a spirit in us that survives it all.

The best way I can describe it is it's like a primordial knowing, that we remain connected at some level even when we feel disconnected. I have spent a lot of time just being in nature which is my safe holding place. I co-regulated with nature as a child as there was not one human to connect with. I think what it has given me is an awareness of all the beautiful life that exists and we are all connected, all living beings. My family growing up was the plants and trees, rocks, hills, ocean, birds and animals. We are held by these connections and not as alone as we often feel.

Think I'm going to run out of word count but feel free to share more if it helps. I have felt like you, that there is no way out and it's all over, but am seeing some light and hope again and I really wish that for you too 🙏

[Serenity22]

Hi ER,

Hello Again, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I t seems we agree with the philosophy on a few things. Nature, in the past has always been helpful. 

Unfortunately. Due to physical limitations and pain, it no longer affects me in a positive way. A metaphor I use is… imagine sitting on the beach, with the sun going down but there’s knives sticking in you and you just try and ignore it and relax. 

There’s practical, physical things I need to deal with with before meditation, mindfulness/stream of consciousness or visualisation helps me again. A tool I’ve used since I was 13. 

I can easily sit for an hour, no sound. Eyes closed… mediating. Although, I haven’t always found it helpful at the stage I’m in. I still meditate, just not as often.

Every resource available to me I have taken advantage of. I have an LAC who is there to help with the NDIS stuff but it’s still up to me to write the words..make the appts, create the paperwork through my psychiatrist…..and I just don’t have it in me. I think I have burnout physically and spiritually from 20 years of traumatic life admin 

I suppose the logical advice to give myself is just wait until I feel up to it. If I physically can’t manage it…I don’t have a choice but to wait until that day comes. 

Ultimately, I’m the only one who has the knowledge to complete the paperwork. I’m certainly smart enough to know what to do and where there’s a will there’s a way. I suppose I’ll just wait until I feel I can. Because I haven’t had the will, I can’t only do my best. And if my best is nothing… that will have to do for now. 

It sounds like you connect to your spirit, a bit like I do. And… I’ve appreciated our conversations.  Thank you, again 🙂 you sound like a wise and gentle lady. I can jive with that.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Serenity,

I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I let go of all striving and just allow a kind of release, that's when my body starts to recover from burnout. I find it is only after that I can effectively deal with things again. It's kind of paradoxical - by no longer trying to get things done and just letting go, after a time I can get things done again. So just wondering if that may help with the NDIS stuff? Just not even trying to do it at all or even think about doing it. Then as your body senses it doesn't have to strive, it can let go and move into a kind of healing phase.

What you say about feeling the knives at the beach I feel I do somewhat understand. The pain I was in aged 30-33 was like that and there was no respite anywhere. I was on opioid meds then and even that only marginally took the edge off it. But I did eventually start to recover and I think it was things shifting in my spirit that started to change things in my body. But I know it is a very gradual process. You have been through so much already and there will be a lot of strength in you to have survived your way through the endurance tests you've had. But I know there is only so much you can keep persevering and striving, and so that's why I was thinking about the letting go option, like a total rest with no pressure on yourself to do anything.

Another thing I thought about is how when I was your age at 41 I started to go through the beginning of perimenopausal symptoms, which at first was just feeling worse than usual premenstrually. I'm now nearly 49 and since I was 47 the perimenopausal symptoms have become particularly debilitating, especially in terms of low mood and distress. I'm wondering if on top of everything else that could be making you feel worse too? I've learned from my research that women with early life trauma tend to have lower lifetime oestrogen. I think this is true of me and behind a lot of the physical pain and suffering in my body over many years actually. I started HRT two weeks ago and felt truly wonderful, like a difference of night and day. I've only gone a bit backwards in the last couple of days because of the cyclical component of HRT (2 weeks off progesterone). Such factors may not be relevant for you, but just in case they are I thought it may be another avenue to look at for ways of feeling better. But don't want to overcomplicate things either with something that may not be relevant!

I would say look for anything that speaks to your spirit, that even gives you the smallest inspiration. One thing that has kept me going is even just watching the birds in my backyard. When at my worst and feeling like I couldn't be here anymore, seeing them reminded me I still want to be around to see them. It's like another form of life keeping my spirit going.

Take care and sending you gentle and peaceful healing 🤗

Eagle Ray

[Serenity22]

Hi ER xx

I completely agree with your take of letting go. That works… and what I decided to do. Basically… if I can’t manage something, i don’t do it. Wait until I can. That’s the only solution. 

I shower and wash my hair once a week, I don’t stress about what I wear, or if the house isn’t clean. But I think the ndis stuff feels bigger because I’ve lost that help from my Mum recently. 

Tonight I did a meditation and changed the background noise from “Om” to a simple tone and it was much more helpful. Certain octaves work well while others can bring out a very sad and emotional side. 

With menopause…had a full checkup a year and a half ago regarding my hormones and an ultrasound to check my fertility etc. my ranges are all normal so I’m relieved I’ve done that. Because like you said… it’s just another thing to arrange. I appreciate the advice on it, regardless. I have my bloods done every 6 months, too.

Reluctantly I have come to accept that I am one of those people to be self reliant. I do feel connected to my spirit, more now than ever. My intuition is stronger. 

It’s been very nice talking with you. Having someone that understands the pain is huge. Many ppl think they understand but don’t. And they think they have all the answers when I haven’t even told them what happened…. Man those people suck haha.

Thanks for being on these forums X

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Serenity22,

I know what you mean about the different sounds/tones. Sound is so evocative and can make us feel things, and certain tones are more right for us at certain times than others. I used to listen to a lot of music including meditative things and now I find I am so sensitive to what I listen to and quite selective as I don't always want to feel what the music invokes. And other times I do want to bring out a certain feeling in order to heal it. It's definitely good to trust your intuition about what feels right.

It's great you've had the full checkup with hormones etc. I am so much like you - self-reliant. From what you've described it sounds like you had to be self-reliant from childhood which I can very much relate to. I know that feeling of there is just me and that's it. At times I have been struck with a kind of desperate loneliness from that, but at other times I realise just how resilient I am and that I am good at problem solving and finding my way through things because it's the only option I've ever had with no one else to rely on. I am sure you are one incredibly resilient person with great problem solving capacities because of what you have had to endure alone already. Essentially you are a survivor and I think with that comes wisdom, insight and compassion. It makes sense that your intuition is stronger and you feel more connected to your spirit than ever. I feel that that is the part that carries you through the difficulties in life.

It's been very nice talking with you too. I hope you can find some relief from pain soon and some freedom in your spirit that helps you on that journey. I find even sensing/imagining my spirit moving freely can sometimes help to shift the pain in some way, shifting its patterns or reducing its intensity. It's like allowing the self-healing capacity of spirit to do its work, if that makes sense?!

Take good care,

Eagle Ray 🤗

[Serenity22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

You guessed right: self reliant since day 1 of school. Making my own lunch and doing my own hair. The last suggestion you made of imagining my spirit move freely is a new one, and something that resonates with me. 

im glad I thought to check in the other day. Unless someone has been through some,Ike like I have, I don’t have the same respect for the suggestions they offer. Not that I would say that to their face. 

That’s why you’ve helped. I look forward to coming across your messages across this website in future. Xoxo