Tough 2023

[SummertimeSadness]

2023 was a very dark year for me, mentally & emotionally. Suicidal thought have been occurring more frequently over the past 4 months & I literally prepared to do it, but, the ONLY thing that has stopped me is what it will do to my parents. I recently found out dad has a heart condition. I know it would probably kill him if I was to follow through, which would absolutely destroy my mum. I don't want to do that to them, but there's also the thought in my mind that I cannot continue to live this way. These thoughts make me start to resent my parents, who are the most loving, caring & beautiful parents anyone could hope for. I have so much pain, anger, guilt, despair & resentment, on top of the constant anxiety, depression, stress & nothingness that it am so drained of wanting to be here anymore. I have seen a therapist, but in the last few months I have 'put on an act' to make it seem like I'm coping a little better, just small improvements each time so it doesn't feel like I'm faking it. But honestly, I am so done with everything. 

[Sophie_M]

Thank you so much for reaching out to our forums, SummertimeSadness. 

What you have shared sounds incredibly painful, exhausting, and confusing - this is a lot for one person to go through at once. 

You have shown a lot of courage by sharing your story and asking for support, and we hope our wonderful community will be able to guide you further.

Until then, we invite you to reach out to our support service to speak with one of our mental health professionals directly: 
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor

Or you could contact Griefline who specialise in supporting people through big change, loss, or adjustment: 
https://griefline.org.au/

If you are feeling unsafe with your thoughts at all, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Callback Service on 1300 659 467. 

You can also call 000 in a mental health emergency. 

Wishing you all the best and we hope our community will provide a warm and safe space for you to further express what you are going through. 

Warm regards, 
Sophie M.

[therising]

Hi SummertimeSadness

While I'm glad you have your 'anchor people' to this world, at the same time I can understand how you may have come to resent what feels like a weight. While I've faced both long term depression (of 15 years or so when I was younger) and periodic episodes since then, I'd have to say ongoing depression can be so much more challenging to manage because of its relentlessness and exhausting nature and the sense of hopelessness that develops out of it. At least with periods in depression, relief can come in the form of having the time (the break) to help make sense of what led to that depressing period. The 2 different types can be extremely different, even though rock bottom can still be felt within both.

While depression can have such a super low energy factor to it, based on my own experience I don't think enough investigation may be done at times when it comes to that super low energy factor. Of course, there can be psychological and neurological reasons but there can be a huge variety of other contributing factors. Take anxiety for example, what ongoing anxiety does to every system in the body can be shocking. With all these energy systems under almost constant or chronic stress for such long periods, you gotta question chronic fatigue when it comes to those systems. Are these energy systems in a state of constant overwork and dis-ease (unease)? The kind of energy that runs through the vascular system, nervous system, lymphatic system, muscular system etc can eventually lead to serious fatigue. I just don't think it's enough for people to say 'Oh, a lack of energy's just a symptom of depression' especially when a depressing lack of energy can be a symptom or side effect of so much more than just depression.

Summertime Sadness, the reason for pushing the ongoing depressing lack of energy is based on this being one of my top triggers for depression. Whether it's involved mental health issues, sleep apnea, ongoing stress, a serious B12 deficiency or something else, all have had the depressing side effect of a life altering lack of energy. If anyone was to ask me 'What does such a lack feel like?', my simple answer would be 'It's like not being able to feel life running through me. I just don't feel alive'. And there is little more depressing than not feeling alive. When the goal should involve coming back to life, we need energy for that. Whether it comes in the form of chemical energy (beyond a lack or an imbalance), new and energising belief systems, some form of truly energising soulful inspiration or revelations that provide a spark in the darkness or all that combined and more, to finally be in charge (in more ways than one) can mean no longer feeling life as 'a flat battery'. It can be such an unbearable and soul destroying feeling. The question becomes 'Are there enough people doing detective work on your behalf, when it comes to getting to the bottom of all your suffering?'.

[Serenity22]

Hi Summertime Sadness,

Thank you for posting. I apologise in advance if my post sucks, i really have thrown everything in here but the kitchen sink.

You really tugged on my heart strings, today. You have helped me just by reading your post. It invoked feelings in me that I forgot I had. You’re a complete stranger and all I wanted to do… was to help you…be there for you. Be your best friend. I’ve got chronic pain and severe ptsd, so I feel like I’m the one who needs to be helped.

I don’t have it in me anymore to help others. Or so I thought.

Ive attempted my own life before, and I am often suicidal because of physical pain. And I am sorry I’ve made this post completely about me so far, but I want you to know that if I knew you in the real world…I’d cuddle you, take care of you. I’m good at making people feel loved. So, Ive still got it in me to care about another human being. And you’re 100 percent loveable. 

In regards to your situation, I am so so so sorry for the weight of what you feel. Boy oh boy can I relate. I have felt it, too. And in those dark moments, I have imagined souls like you out there feeling the same way…comforted in the knowledge that I’m not alone. 

I’m reluctant to offer advice because i don’t enjoy getting advice but on the off chance what I say can inspire you…I’ll give it a crack..

I spend $4 a week on lotto. I use the same numbers. I don’t know if you can afford to do that. So don’t worry if you can’t. I have other ideas. But that keeps me going. Simply because it’s something to do. 

Having dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off for 10 years…I can objectively say that having something set in the calendar, however small…is sometimes just enough to keep you alive. Even if it’s lotto. 

I’ve endured assaults requiring surgery, countless betrayals, abusive family.. going from a six figure income to losing my job because a surgeon screwed up a routine bunion surgery and I’m now on disability. The settlement money…. I lost $100,000 due to a very sophisticated scam. I mean…. I could go on. You get the picture.

But I know life sucks big time. And you are actually healthy for talking about your feelings. I would encourage you to be honest.. brutally honest with your therapist. They work for you. 

Don’t go anywhere. Exhaust every possibility possible before contemplating ending things. I’ve found it has eased that heavy sad depressing feeling of constant suicidal thoughts. 

The thoughts are still there. But I am practical about it and it helped when I made that decision. I have a will. I have had it certified. I have written letters to people. I have written out a funeral plan. Having that in place relaxed me. It doesn’t mean I have to carry it out… but it helped ease that tension. Now that it’s in place, I don’t stress about it anywhere near as much. It’s like a safety net I’ve got room to breathe a bit more, now. 

Also…neurosis is a product of not dealing with your feelings. You definitely are dealing with your feelings. So….you’re normal.

my intuition (if you believe in that) is feeling you could be helped by medication. I feel like I’m not suppose to mention medication names, here. But I was diagnosed with ADHD and I have found tremendous help from that. Antidepressants can sometimes make people feel worse. I know I do. But, when I quit smoking…I found that one with a ‘Z’ to help. And I just needed it for a month and I felt my brain was balanced out again. 

Don’t put any pressure on yourself. If you can get access to Binge…that doco about Amy Carlson a Mother God…. Completely flipped my morning the other day. Watching these absoloute nutbars made me feel like I was winning at life. 

sorry if my post is a bit weird. I’m in pain. Sometimes things don’t come out delicately.

Serenity.