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I’m new, and I’m not ok.

Serenity22
Community Member

I’d rather speak on here than to a friend or family member. My suicidal thoughts began a year ago, linked to several surgeries involving malpractice and bad luck, surrounded with betrayal from a past partner and being kicked out of the house and back to my home state, with nowhere to live and no job, with health issues. My physical health won’t be the same. Not a moment in my day exists without physical pain. I’m nobody’s priority. Sometimes ppl say… oh, well you look good…you’re smart, and still have your looks at 41… and somehow ppl think that has any effect on my physical pain. I think some ppl look at slim, attractive women and think they have no problems. My pain is physical and it can’t be seen. I can’t wear shoes, or go barefoot so I lay or sit most of the time. I had a procedure a few days ago and the anaesthetic is no doubt causing depression which I don’t normally feel. I feel sad, or pain, or ptsd traits like nightmares but not depression. Not like this. The last person who betrayed me contacted me yesterday and the timing is leaving me in a spiral, where I have gone through the motions of how I will end things. I tell myself… if a pink rose appears on the tv in the next 2 scenes, I won’t do it. I wish I could find a reason to stay.. hope…hope for my health that something can be done. But ive lost my ability to exercise, take care of myself, work, and lost the chance of a family and possibly a relationship…ever. And that’s a life I can’t see me living. I need a miracle. 

12 Replies 12

Hi Serenity,

 

Living with chronic, severe pain can be the most isolating experience, and having been there I just wanted to try to give you some support and hopefully some hope too.

 

 I made my own school lunches too from early primary school. I remember being up early, getting my breakfast, having a shower and then making my lunch. I’d go off to school early and I don’t even remember any goodbyes. It’s kind of like I was in a separate universe on my own. My parents didn’t do hugs or kisses, but I don’t even remember anything spoken either. I’d just be going off to school early which was a short walk away. I’d sit by myself outside the gate to the verandah that wasn’t even unlocked yet and just wait. It was cold in winter but I still preferred being there early than being at home. Sometimes there was another girl there I’d talk to a bit who would arrive early some days too. When I think about it now I remember she was the initiator of conversation as I was such a withdrawn, afraid child. My whole childhood was just drifting in an isolated separate world. So I think what chronic pain does later is bring back that isolation like you mentioned and the feelings of childhood. During my worst pain I did a lot of journaling. I got into all sorts of distractions at the time. One was something called the I Ching, an ancient Chinese divination text. I kind of used it creatively to make sense of my past and present and try and get a sense of the future. I basically did all these activities I could do without moving much, as walking even a few steps was extremely painful. But I could use my imagination and explore a lot of things through reading and learning. I think that was a key thing that kept me going.

 

When I did start to be able to move a little more, I tentatively went to a local pool one day. I was only able to stay in a short time and just move a little in the water before I had to go home again. But I continued going to the pool and started to be able to swim again. My body gradually got stronger and I even started swimming some laps of what was a 25m pool. It felt incredible to be able to move again as it had been a year of severe debilitation up to that point. It was still a rocky road ahead, I had some relapses and moving on land remained harder for longer, but the water did give me a sense of real freedom again which was really liberating.

 

 I don’t know if going in water is something you are able to do or not. It was very scary for me to begin with because the smallest amount of movement would escalate my pain. But it helped my body remember what movement was and I think that was another important step in my recovery. I know you can’t stand or walk much but just wondering if being in water, even to just float there, would be in some way beneficial? If not now, maybe down the track?

 

 I found going very gently with everything necessary. Things did eventually turn around for the better. I think keeping your spirit engaged helps. It’s like you remain connected to something with your spirit and it’s always looking after you xx

nwhumphrey
Community Member

Hey Serenity 22

 

I'm new here and I get it, well I think. I find moments when I spiral. I wanna find peace, and I obviously dont want this for my life. I think you dont either. I think you want more because deep down you know you can be more. I can't fix the physical. I wish but i cant but hopefully i can change this. If you want it that is I would prescribe doing something you loved. Im only very young and dont know much but i know this when i cant find a reason to live, a reason not to drown. i think of this little girl who thought she could fly. she wants to live. Even when her life was shit when she was beaten and abused she had something she loved, she had faith. so that even when she was utterly alone in the world she had someone. I still struggle a lot with suicide. but every time I go to church i feel safe. When I go out on my balcony and let the sun hit my face and the bird i the morning. Im almost sure i will be ok. Even though i could spiral 5 minutes i look forward to things that make me feel alive. I live for those little moments and that little girl. 

Nw Humphrey,

 

that’s a very sweet and thoughtful message. When I was very little, I tried to fly. I understand what you’re saying. Sadly, due to the physical pain and limitations around it, I haven’t experienced things I love in many years. It’s like trying to watch a movie while you’re being punched in the face over and over again. It’s very hard to enjoy the movie. I can’t walk on sand. Walking at all is very uncomfortable. I only do it because I have to for my health. I used to love walking anywhere…even the mailbox. I don’t feel depressed and want to die because I’m sad. It’s because I haven’t experienced something I love to do in almost 3 years now. Everything is a mammoth physical effort due to pain. I still do things like food shop (with help) and when it’s dark, I do short walks but I don’t enjoy them. I just do them because it’s the right thing to do. I can be very pleasant to talk to in real life. I get compliments on my wonderful attitude. I try not to poison outside energy with my inside pain because it makes everyone feel worse, including me. That’s why this forum is so necessary to me. 

The reason I’m suicidal is because there is nothing I love experiencing anymore. And I have run out of ideas of things to try while I’m in such bad pain. If I was an animal, they would’ve kindly euthanised me years ago. The past 24 hours have been particularly heinous. 

I think you have very sweet, kind, intelligent and wise energy for a young person 🙂