I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎26-05-2022

I had my flu shot yesterday and my back hurt (from doing errands before I had the shot, more than the actual shot!). I treated myself to sushi for lunch afterwards. But even when I got home- my back pain was through the roof. I put a load of washing on when I got home and had a shower and lay down on my bed with my electric blanket on high. Managed to bring in the small load outside on my balcony and then put the other load outside. I have been resting today - although someone was banging on my door around 9am and I was in a deep sleep - so fell back to sleep.. no idea who it was because no one has contacted me. So it might have been one of my neighbours wanting something.

I usually buy a program at the shows as a memento. I keep ticket stubs too; but some venues prefer doing things electronically - whichI don't like because of my phone.

I contacted my brother yesterday and suggested we have some prawns (and oysters) near the waterfront as there's also a playground next to it - for my birthday and my niece can have a bit of fun too. He hasn't responded to it - so probably has forgotten that it's my birthday and my guess is that he'll already have plans as he hasn't said anything to me beforehand. (I love oysters but I don't think that my brother and sister do).

I've had eating issues for years - as well as intermittent depression. Just everything is harder when you throw chronic health issues and chronic pain issues on top of it and no physical support system.

I honestly believe that if it was just 1 thing going on with my health/mental health - life would be so much easier but it's not and nothing I do makes a difference to what is going on. It's frustrating and exhausting - physically and mentally. And I'm tired of struggling

Ggrand · ‎26-05-2022

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

Well done getting your flu shot...My Dr is on leave until the end of June and I don’t trust anyone else to give it to me....I am sorry your back was sore before and then after your flu shot....

I am deeply sorry about all the chronic physical pain you’re going through...and I agree that trying every day to push that pain aside to do things...Does heighten our mental health into depression...I only have arthritis and bursitis in my hips and at times it’s crippling...But nothing I could imagine like what your going through each day...my heart really does go out to you sweet Bbydoll....

I like the idea that you buy programs of the shows you see, when they are available..good memories for you to look back on...

I really do hope that your brother does spend some time with you on your birthday and you get to play with your little niece...My grandchildren live over 7 hours drive from me...because both my sons work 6 day a week...and my anxiety plays havoc with me driving that far and long...I rarely get to see them....fingers crossed that they will accept your invitation....

I do hope your okay....you did so much today...washing, hanging them out and bringing them inside...Please for now...have a lovely evening, be kind and gentle with yourself and go back under that warm comfy electric blanket....

Kind thoughts with my care and a caring hug..

Grandy..

Bbydoll · ‎27-05-2022

Hi Grandy, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles with pain too. It's definitely not fun!

It's now friday nightand no word from my brother about my birthday plans- so on the spur of the moment I decided to book a psychic reading for Sunday morning and if he decides that he wants to do lunch then I can squeeze it in afterwards. It looks like it will be a sunny day; but possibly a bit cool - but that's ok. I can just layer up.

I was watching Under the Tuscan sun.- a lovely movie on tv (that I saw a few years ago). And despite having a restful day - I was having difficulty with blacking out (not from alcohol or anything) I pass out and then come too - sort of dazed and confused. It's definitely not falling asleep as it's like a light switch goes off... sometimes I can feel myself about to go and I can snap myself out of it - but othertimes I can't control it. My GP thinks it might be my heart. And I have been putting off having the tests done; because I am worried he is right - he has been right about most things and this scares me. I am also tiredof having tests come back with a new diagnosis and more treatment needed - I was supposed to get injections into my wrists as I have carpal tunnel but I didn't go ahead with it and I noticed that a few weeks

Chris_Tas · ‎28-05-2022

We all have sympathy for you.

I ask out of interest, what is your plan moving forward?

You will always get support here.

But everybody needs to take positive steps themself to improve, what steps could you take?

Chris

Bbydoll · ‎28-05-2022

Hi Chris, thanks but I'm not looking for sympathy. I just really needed to vent because I have no support here and have been struggling daily.

No matter who I text with my friend's or family, I get nothing back.. no responses. No one making plans with me etc. It's like I don't exist or that they don't care about me at all. On top of the health and mental health issues. I have tried other family members and friends that I haven't mentioned and same results.

I was going to say yesterday that when I was clapping at a gig, I was getting this numb feeling up both arms with sharp shooting pain. I ended up having to modify my clapping... because it was very painful.

I've woken up this morning with vertigo and feeling very unwell - and had planned on going to the shops to get some groceries. But I haven't been done that because of how I feel and I obviously don't have anyone that can do it on my behalf.

As for plans moving forward I want to get back into therapy but haven't because I have had too much going on. I would love to get back into studying but I would have to do it online as I failed to complete anything I've tried to over multiple years/courses/campuses due to my physical health issues. But will need to save up for a new computer and internet access. And I don't think that I will get close to that until the end of the year - if that. Plus I still need to organize and do a thorough clean up of this apartment as there's no room to study with stuff everywhere. I started doing that before mum passed away - but then I had to dig up paperwork and photos for her funeral because within less than a fortnight everything had to be organized. It's also difficult with ongoing fatigue where I can wake up after sleeping a solid 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep and I'm like a zombie! I do a little bit each day but it feels like nothing is achieved. I think next week will have to push myself a bit more to get it all sorted. I would love to get back to the gym as I need to shift my weight and it would obviously help with my mental health and self esteem as well. I need to also pay for over $2000 worth of work on my teeth. The free clinic only does fillings and pulls teeth. I need specialized crowns for 2 teeth on the top row or am at high risk of loosing both of them. I've already had a root canal done on one of them and there's not much tooth left of that one. I also need a specialized mouth guard which is extra on top of that because I grind my teeth at night.

Bbydoll · ‎28-05-2022

So, I was right. I just got a text from my brother. They can't do lunch tomorrow - no explanation was given. But he leaves it the day beforehand at 4pm. And he said yes I know it's your birthday. So I'll be spending it alone. Again.

Ggrand · ‎28-05-2022

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

I really am sorry that your brother can’t make it to your birthday...I know how much you were looking forward to it...

Can you still do something nice for yourself?

I spend my Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Easter, Christmases on my own....now for the past 8 years or so....It does get lonely, knowing we have family still around and they cannot spend the day with us....

I used to sit around and cry on these days...feeling so alone and lonely...Yes lovely Bbydoll it really is hard but, I learnt that I can still celebrate my birthday on my own...buying a small cake and having something different for dinner...I don’t eat out or order out because I live too far away from the nearest town for delivery...so I cook something different then I normally eat....I even make sure I wear something a little nice...to make my day a little different then just a normal day.....One of the first things I do is to light a scented candle..I do buy one to use on my birthday because I do like them a lot...

I will call in tomorrow and be with you in spirit for your birthday...I know it’s not the same as having some one their with you on your birthday...

Please Dear lovely Bbydoll...tomorrow if your feeling to overwhelmed..can you give Beyond Blue a call 1300 22 4636

I am not sure when tomorrow I can call in to visit you..but I definitely will...

Sending you my kindest thoughts with my care...

Grandy..

Bbydoll · ‎29-05-2022

Hi Grandy, I have been crying on and off this afternoon and evening, and now I have a bad headache. So I will be going to bed shortly.

I am going to be having a psychic reading tomorrow morning and might go and sit at the waterfront afterwards. Maybe get some oysters for lunch.

I spend most of my time alone, so I should be used to it. But with mum passing in March - I thought that my brother might be a bit kinder to me, but he isn't. And I am feeling more fragile with no one responding to my texts... ranging from asking for advice, or asking about meeting up or about checking in with them. It takes 5 seconds to send a text message. And whilst I get that most people have families/work/other commitments and I don't. It doesn't take much to send off one text message; especially when everyone is so attached to their phones these days.

Ggrand · ‎29-05-2022

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

Happy Birthday lovely lady....

I really hope that your psychic reading goes well...

I have had a couple of readings in the past and they seem know things about us that others don’t know...

I really am so deeply sorry, that you were crying yesterday and yesterday evening....Please believe me when I say that I do care about you...and wish so much that I could comfort you a little....

Bbydoll....After crying so hard and so long, yes a headache does seem to follow...maybe place a cool damp fashion washer across your face to help cool you off....and help those sore red eyes as well...unfortunately crying uses face muscles we don’t usually use and they ache causing a headache....a cool damp cloth hopefully will help you....

Sitting near the waterfront sounds peaceful....maybe pack yourself a yummy sandwich and make a cup of tea/coffe so you have something to eat/drink while your enjoying the scenery...

I will check on you later today/night..to see how your managing...

My kindest thoughts with my care....and some birthday hugs.....

Grandy...

Guest_1055 · ‎29-05-2022

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Dear Bbydoll

Happy Birthday

From Shelley