I hate this time of year & everything about my life

[Bbydoll]

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

[Chris_Tas]

I may be off track here but there is a strong recurring theme of you being very bitter about your illness.

This is perfectly understandable.

However in my very humble opinion you accepting the situation will help you get on top of the dark thoughts mentally and improve.

That bitterness is holding you back (as it has done for me too)

[Chris_Tas]

To be clear I don't mean my comment to you as criticism.

More an observation based on my own brutal life experience.

I also continue to work on "acceptance" so please understand my msg is coming from a very supportive space.

[Bbydoll]

Chris, yes I'm bitter. I'm also angry, depressed; and frustrated etc with my health issues. I've been unwell my entire life. And each 10 years a new group of problems comes up. I have several auto immune conditions (and then rare symptoms for some of these, which are hard to treat); I also have chronic pain syndrome - widespread chronic pain. I have lost relationships/friendships, family, every career path and job that I have ever been hired for. I have no finished formal qualifications beyond the final years of high school (last 3 done by correspondence but all on paper none were online then). I have had over a dozen surgeries; including the entire removal of large bowel, had several colostomies, MRSA (serious staph infection), plus am currently awaiting 3 more surgeries and possibly a port in my chest (often used for chemo patients) as my veins are virtually impossible to access because of IV treatment, surgeries and IV antibiotics. I've had several trips to ICU. My health issues are never ending and I am seemingly getting sicker the older I get. My GP actually said to me that he is worried about the amount of medication I am on as it could shorten my life. I struggle in evety sense of the word because of everything that I am dealing with. I am tired of it. It is not a matter of accepting it; because I deal with it, EVERY SINGLE DAY! I have no partner, no kids and no other family supporting me. I only have 2 friends that spend very rare visits with me. Life is not supposed to be this difficult and this is why I'm here complaining about what I'm dealing with because I have no break from it. EVER!!!

[Bbydoll]

I spent all day in bed sleeping. In part because of my health but also last night there was a lot of drama here. One of the neighbour's on the lower level has been playing their music loudly and was still doing that at midnight. It made the man on my level really angry. He was yelling and slamming his front door. The police were called and dealt with him.. and shortly after 1am he calmed down. But it all started up again about 730am this morning. So I was more exhausted than usual. I eventually woke up at 540pm to use the bathroom. I hadn't eaten or drank anything. But another lost day because of it all.

It's so much harder with the colder weather to be motivated when nothing I do matters. I don't matter to anyone.

[Bbydoll]

I have now spent an Easter, a birthday; and a Christmas/New year's eve in hospital - different years. But already this year I've had 3 different hospitalizations and in a couple of weeks am going back to have a modified colonoscopy on the remaining bowel plus exploratory surgery on my fistulas on my bottom.

I'm currently having major issues with fatigue where I feel like I've been given some powerful medication to make me sleep. I can barely keep my eyes awake and have to force myself to keep my eyes open. I'm also having changes in my urine and suspect that my kidneys are having some issues so will be getting a new referral to see my kidney specialist as I haven't seen him in a while and I don't want to end up on dialysis like my father did. I know kidney issues can run in families and one of my other suspected auto immune illnesses is lupus and that can affect your kidneys. I want more than anything for my health to improve and I do everything I can to try and fix it..

But nothing happens - I seem to keep going downhill and I don't know if I can keep going like this. My place needs a deep clean. We have a cockroach problem here and it's getting worse be because I am struggling to keep it clean. I'm living off lean cuisine and weight watchers frozen meals because I don't have the energy to cook and I can't have any fat in my diet because of the gallstones and I don't see my surgeon until June and he will be organizing a date for that surgery.

Plus I still haveto have further surgery on a cyst on my left ovary and that surgeon also wants to remove my left fallopian tube as well....

Like I said never ending and absolutely no support and oneof my friend's isn't responding anymore to my texts. I don't know why. But I suspect it's because of all the texts I send with my health issues.. I'm tired of it. And I'm sure they're tiredof hearing about it from me.

[Croix]

Dear Bbydoll~

I hope you don't mind me popping in for a moment. I've just finished reading this thread and think life has been very unfair to you and don't wonder at all when you come across as bitter.

Shelll has been giving you warm support and htat is good, makes one feel less alone.

I was struck by something Chris_Tas said about acceptance, which I don't for a moment believe was meant in a nasty way, or to belittle all the horrible things you have to keep on facing.

It's just you are doing the best you can with all the illness and unsympathetic people - plus not enough cash of course. And these are things you only have so much control of. A lot you have simply to live though a day at a time.

Acceptance is something to aim for, however to get there for me I use the idea of trying to put things to one side for a little time. That's not easy when you are in pain and discomfort (and probably hungry too) but if you mange to do it for a little while then there may be things you can enjoy. Then more acceptance may come.

Your description of that musical and the way the performers carried on after dropping something probably took your whole attention - at least for a moment. For that moment the world may have changed and you were not weighed down by all the everyday things.

So do you think it is worth seeing if you can use that sort of thing to distract you and point you towards something you might enjoy? I try to use mindfulness (just a fancy name) as a start to get me to a calm frame of mind. I'm not that good at it but find the free smartphone app Smiling Mind is excellent - though it took practice.

I know your phone is not that great but it might do

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/

Once I'm a bit calmer and my concentration is not focused on my own ailments and pain I try to have something ready to do to keep me that way. In my case it is books or movies (get them for free from the Library) or other things.

Of course I've no idea what you might find to take your mind out of problems - maybe music as you do seem to like musicals. Could you teach yourself to play/sing something?

What ideas do you think you might like?

I hpe things get easier for you

Croix

[Bbydoll]

Croix- I appreciate the sentiments but acceptance changes nothing.

I've done mindfulness stuff (or distraction therapy) for years. But lately I have no quality of life. I spend the majority of time sleeping. Or visiting doctors/having tests done/or in hospital. With the occasional live show/musical etc. But this will be harder to do with it getting colder. And they don't make good quality thick jackets or thermal tops for someone my size (I've checked).

None of my doctors have any answers other than needing more surgery or more medication - and yet my quality of life is abysmal. I'm tired of the constant struggles and the only time I'm not struggling is when I'm sleeping and it's not normal to sleep for more than 12 or more hours at a time without any sort of medication needed for that to happen!!!!

I can't download the app. My battery life is about an hour or so if I'm online and has permanently moved to everything in black and white... I need a new phone and of course no help from anyone I know including my brother - who works in cybersecurity and has seen how badly my phone works and knows full well that I don't have a landline or anythingelse for communication.

[Croix]

Dear Bbydoll~

I can understand some of those practical problems like the hopeless phone, the lack of warm clothing. They are indeed an obsticle.

My apologies if you have been down this track before. In my state there are benevolent societies such as Anglicare, St Vincents and others. I've found that often they give give the most surprising help. I realise that is not the same as having a family that care, but it might bridge some of the practical problems.

I've probably not explained my idea of acceptance very well. True it does not change the physical realities however by trying to concentrate on things you like the harsher parts of life may shrink away for a while.

Do you think that might be a possibility?

Croix

[Bbydoll]

Croix- I know that you mean well and I appreciate your kindness. But honestly, I doubt it very much. As I've outlined above; briefly; every part of my life has been affected by my health issues. I haven't completed any courses after high school or held onto a job or a career or a Romantic relationship. No matter what I do or don't do - nothing changes. To add to that my weight has ballooned - there's a chance it could be because I am getting closer to menopause - because nothing else has changed. And it doesn't help that I have been battling fatigue for most of my adult life (and other than anemia); all my other levels like thyroid etc are normal. But it's not normal to black out in front of tv (when I don't drink alcohol or take drugs)... my general doctor thinks it might be heart related - but I haven't had the test to check it out because I am tired of finding out something else that could need more medical treatment. I'm supposed to be making phone calls to chase up medical related appointments but it's now Wednesday afternoon and I still haven't done any of them. I'm also waiting to hear back from my closest male friend - I spoke to him over a week ago to see if he will come with me to see a show for my birthday (I already have the tickets, as I bought them months ago). He is in rehearsals for a local musical and a play as well. But he has notoriously hard to get his focus onto other things when he is that busy. My closest female friend hasn't responded to my last few texts and she would be the next person I'd ask - but she works long hours on the trains and is hardly ever home. And when she is - she tends to spend that time with her extended family. That's really the only close local friends that I see. I have a handful of friends from school who are on my Facebook page but I never see them... not even for a chat over a cup of coffee. I don't bother asking for help or anything from anyone as it usually falls on deaf ears.

My life feels like a waste of time - I'm waiting for an improvement in the quality of my life and it never happens - so what's the point of trying anymore

[james1]

Hello Bbydoll,

I had a friend who had very similar experiences to you with really crippling health issues that kind of compounded on each other, and really lengthy hospital stays that just eroded her quality of life. As I read your post, I just felt really sad about the experiences you've been through because, like what happened with my friend, it sounds like it's left you feeling really hopeless about anything getting better.

I didn't really have any helpful advice for my friend, and I'm sorry there's not much I can offer you here right now, except someone friendly to speak to.

Is the show you are hoping to see Moulin Rouge? I'm going to see that in July I think. My sister bought me a ticket.

James