How to forgive yourself

[Anzacspirit]

How do you forgive yourself when the voice in your head constantly brings up the things you’ve done. If I can’t beat this it will consume me and that will be it. The only advice my psych has given me is that I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake, a bad one at that but I need to forgive myself and move on. It sounds so easy , everything I’ve done just replays. I hate what I did, it’s not me. Others have forgiven me but I just can’t let go. I don’t know how to let go. I want to be free of this darkness that is shadowing me.

[mmMekitty]

Hello everyone,

My thinking is that since we put ourselves into our own prison, we also decide how long is enough.

Pick some people you know & ask yourself, how long do you think they should spend in their own private prisons for mistakes they made. & it doesn't matter how long you think their sentence should be, because you don't have any control of their prisons.

The only key to any cell door is the one to open your own. As I suggested, if you need, you can always put yourself on parole, then watch yourself very closely & see if you have earned your release.

[Mk2692]

Hi Anzacspirit,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out here. I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with your past. I’m not sure if you have talked to a professional about it such as a psychologist. If not then I would contact your GP for a referral to a psychologist. They can help you with any resolved issues you have and the feelings that you are feeling. It sounds like you are hurting deeply because of the things you’ve done in the past and you haven’t forgiven yourself for them. Reality is, past is past, it can only be a place of reference and not presence. It sounds like you are not the same person and you are very cautious about hurting people. You will always feel guilty because you haven’t forgiven yourself. We all make mistakes and sometimes it is hard to look past what we have done and the people we hurt, but we learn from the past and become better. You need to be kind to yourself, because everyone has made a mistake. The best thing about mistakes is that you can learn from them, become a better person and hopefully not repeat them. It sounds like you have a beautiful family that loves you and I’m sure they would love you no matter what happens. They would love for you to forgive yourself and be happy. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you deserve a second chance.

[Anzacspirit]

You’ve hit the nail on the head, I’m completely shattered about what I’ve done yet I know others who’ve done the same who show no remorse and give pathetic reasons as to why they did it, basically trying to justify things. I’m resigned to the fact I’ve made mistakes that I’ll never make again but will have to live with what I’ve done forever.

[Guest_1584]

Hi op.

Sorry about your internal torment, l know it all too well. But yeah , it is mind boggling that you can see other people just walk away from doing similar , not a second thought. Wish l was one of them tbh , personally l don't think life rewards those of us that care too much , yet seems to look after those , even fall into their lap.

Atm and very serious, just the latest though, l just wish my daughter would come home so that l could explain and apologize, and give her a hug. She's struggling a lot atm and unfortunately with my own pressures l lost it a bit and made all that worse. She's been over her mums a wk now .

l'd like to wish pasts were pasts , and l don't mess up these days, older, wiser, controlled, doesn't seem to happen though.

rx

[LC80]

We seem to be in the same boat. I am ex Army too, not that it makes a difference. I have been estranged from my family for over ten years now, and I live with knowing that a couple of my daughters would be happier if I was dead. I can't repair the damage I have caused to my family, I can't turn back time and I am guilty as charged for my behaviour. I have had counselling over the years but although I do understand the "why" of my past behaviour, it is a heavy burden to carry. I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I am currently suffering with a severe spinal issue, I am in constant debilitating pain and wonder if this is just natures payback. I feel as though I am burden on my wife, who has stood by me and supported me throughout our 33 year marriage. Deep down I wish my life would just fade away one night and I know I am too weak to hasten it, so here I am. Living between a rock and a hard place. Just know you are not Robinson Crusoe and as vets we need to support each other as best we can.

[Sophie_M]

Hi LC80,

We hear that you’re really struggling right now and it must be incredibly hard to deal with all of this alongside physical health issues. We're here for you and want you to know that with the right treatment and support, things can improve. It sounds like you’ve battled similar thoughts and feelings in the past, and we admire your strength while you continue to push forward.

You’re always welcome to reach out to our lovely counsellors, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress. There’s also the Veterans and Veterans Families Counselling Service (VVCS) who provide free and confidential, nation-wide counselling and support for war and service-related mental health conditions, such as posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety and depression: http://www.vvcs.gov.au/

We'd also welcome you to start your own thread on this to help members best support you. It is so brave of you for sharing your story here and we would like to ensure that you are best supported within our online community.

We’re sure we’ll hear back from the community at some point here, but if it takes some time for members to spot do feel free to start a new thread. In the meantime, there’s also some really good advice here on self-care for survivors of trauma, from the Blue Knot Foundation here: Survivors Self Care.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. We hope it brings you some comfort to hear from others on this thread.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Anzacspirit]

I feel so numb sometimes, I have to self harm just to feel some pain because I’ll never feel the pain I put My wife through.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Anzacspirit,
Welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums, 
We're concerned to hear you're self-harming. It sounds as though you may be doing so as a punishment, could you instead talk us through why you're feeling this way?

The Beyond Blue website lists some strategies that can be used to replace self-harm: Replace your self-harm with something less harmful - could any of these be used instead?

• Try holding ice cubes on your hand – cold causes pain but is not dangerous to your health.
• Wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you feel the need.
• Use a red pen to draw on the areas you might normally cut.
• Work it off with exercise.
• Scribble with red pen on a piece of paper.
• Try deep breathing and relaxation exercises.
• Try and focus on something around you, something simple, watch it for a while and see if that can distract you from the negative thoughts.
• Talk with someone.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Anzacspirit]

I’ll carry this forever Unfortunately it won’t ever go away, it’s a wound that won’t heal. Talk to someone you say, who, there is no one, my psychologist did nothing except tell me to be happy, great advice said no one ever. I have no friends and if I did why would I burden them with the horrible stuff I did, just to be hated by them. Worst mistake of my life that just doesn’t go away.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anzacspirit,

We are sorry to hear that you feel as though this is something you will carry around forever and that you don't have anyone you feel comfortable talking to about this. We understand how hard it can be to sit with such heavy feelings, especially without the support of your psychologist. We want to remind you that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.