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How to forgive yourself

Anzacspirit
Community Member
How do you forgive yourself when the voice in your head constantly brings up the things you’ve done. If I can’t beat this it will consume me and that will be it. The only advice my psych has given me is that I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake, a bad one at that but I need to forgive myself and move on. It sounds so easy , everything I’ve done just replays. I hate what I did, it’s not me. Others have forgiven me but I just can’t let go. I don’t know how to let go. I want to be free of this darkness that is shadowing me.
69 Replies 69

Hi Anzacspirit

Thankyou for being a part of Beyond Blue

I understand your pain as I was in the same place and its a horrible mindset to be in

When I was going through my own acute anxiety attacks the internet didnt exist. Everyone is different...just for myself it was a bonus to talk to my GP.....They have a better understanding of our pain now...than back in the 1980's

Great to have you as part of the forum family 🙂

Im Paul....a volunteer

We are here and listening

Anzacspirit
Community Member

Still hate myself soo much for what I did. This pain is never going away is it? I’m tired of pretending I’m ok.

From what I can ascertain, you have hurt your wife in some way - not enough for her to leave, as you say you choose not to confide in, or, as you prefer to phrase it, 'burden her' with your struggle.
You also have your kids who adore you, but can summarily dismiss their adoration as misplaced - wouldn't this come across as rejection?

Have you considered how much you continue to hurt those you love through what you hold within?

Isn't it time to lay it all on the table and start to
rebuild your life, and theirs?

What you did in the past is real, and palpable, causing much distress and self loathing; but what you do tomorrow can be one small step toward turning things around - not erasing or covering up/denying by any means.

Don't punish yourself; more importantly, stop punishing those who love you and will be there for you once you stop biting down on that lemon of regret.

Your psych's advice, as trite as it came across, was actually closer to the mark - nothing to do with pretending, but you seem to actually embrace the guilt with some weird Stockholm Syndrome affection instead of repairing any lasting damage by engaging yourself for the betterment of those you hurt.

Hi, just read through your thread. You really seem so tortured by guilt and have such remorse. I so much feel for you. Maybe you have a sensitive nature... And it is more challenging for you to let go. And you hate the thought of yourself hurting someone you love.

I too have struggled with forgiving myself in the past.

I don't really share much about God, but I will be praying for you, if that is ok. Because... well I just want you to know freedom from this guilt that you are carrying around.

You seemed so tortured by it. So heavy.

Hope I didn't offend you or anything. It's just we care.

 

Anzac spirit,

I am sorry you still hate yourself, and are in pain. You do not have to pretend to be ok.

I have something from my past that I have never been forgiven for and that I can’t forgive myself.

I have accepted this a bit so it does not cause me pain because at the time I was manic and very young, I think about it and over the years it has caused me lots of self loathing.
It takes time to be kinder to yourself.

I asked my self what dies all my self loathing do, is it helping me. I realised it did not help me feel less guilty.

I am not sure if you are waiting to be forgiven.

We are human and we makes mistakes, Forgiving ourselves is hard but it does help.

Guest_1584
Community Member

This first one is nothing much really l have far far bigger things l still carry guilt over , but it's and example of the typical side of most people l find, verses those of us that have way too much empathy for our own good.

l said to one of my sisters one day , yeah , l know, and l've felt guilty about that for yrs, She said what ? You've felt guilty about that , why in hell have you felt guilty , God how Christian- not sure what that meant l'm not even Christian. Point is though that my guilt also involved her , and yet all these yrs whatever it was had never even crossed her mind. - I find that's pretty typical.

That same sister actually , about 10 yrs earlier, this was big , very, was suppose to go into this property deal with me and my ex. My ex and l were flat broke at the time - this sister is worth millions. Well , ex and l rounded up a few 1000$ , we scrimped and scratched so hard to find that money , and we used it for costs in doing our share on this property thing, and it was every last thing, cent, everything , we had. We didn't even have it, we had to sell some of the few things we did have , to raise it.

Then we did 3mths work on the deal, and putting all that money into it. Well, that sister called one night , after all that and just said oh btw, l've changed my mind and l won't be doing that property. And that was it, she then just casually went on to ask how my daughter was made some small chat and hung up. Never ever apologized, never reimbursed us of the money and work we'd put into it for 3mths, never thanked us , never mentioned it ever again.

Like nothing had even happened.

rx

Gday Anzacspirit

Mate, I don't know if I can really add anything here that hasn't already been said but I have read through this thread and your deep unhappiness and desperation really got to me.

Are you a veteran? There are avenues you could explore there through the DVA. There are also other services unconnected to the ADF run by veterans for veterans like Swiss 8 Pro-Active Mental Health Strategies, their focus is suicide prevention and I use their app every day not only to reach goals and organise my life but practice mindfulness techniques like meditation and yoga. This doesn’t mean they have gone from being soldiers to hippy dippy woo, they just recognise the value of these eastern elements of warrior culture and incorporated them into very effective strategies for learning to take some control of your own mind. It doesn’t matter if you’re not a veteran, but you’ll probably appreciate these blokes for their down to earth Aussie perspective and delivery.

I was dismissive and very critical when meditation and yoga were suggested to me, I thought ‘you’ve got to be kidding, what’s next? Hugging bloody trees? But now since engaging in the practice I have found I can more easily control the inner critic that gets in the way of my goals and recovery like a Jedi mind trick.

Don’t give up on psychology, some are just not going to be suited to you, there’s a psychologist or psychiatrist out there who could really help you I am sure of it. It’s not rude to tell them, you don’t think this is working, and go shopping around. They will accept that and if they don’t then they are definitely not the psychologist you need.

Take care mate, stay safe, hope to see you back here soon

Hi Anzacspirit

 

I feel for you so much as you continue to struggle so terribly. It's easy to see through your posts how much pain you're in. I've found while there are plenty of up sides to becoming a more conscious person, there are definitely down sides too. Being able to recall, through experience, the kind of person you never want to be again can be a tough thing to be conscious of. It can become a constant reminder that can create so much sufferance.

 

Some years back, while becoming desperate to forgive myself, I found the only way involved moving forward through giving myself some kind of release. Release in what way, I wasn't sure at first. What eventually came to mind involved imagining my true and current self with like a vapor trail of ghosts of the past all behind me. From zero through to 53 (my current age), there are plenty of them, plenty of different versions of myself. I found it was some of my ghosts that I actually had to forgive, not my current self. I came to forgive the ghosts of who I was at various times in my 20s especially, different versions of a young depressed girl who was an alcoholic and so incredibly lost while looking in all the wrong places for a distorted sense of belonging, acceptance and love. I came to forgive different versions of myself that had acted in selfish ways that had hurt others. As I came to better understand why those parts of me had acted in such ways I began to cry and feel sorrow for them and then I forgave them. In turn, I forgave parts of myself that needed forgiving. Before I forgave past versions of myself, I hated them and suffered through such incredibly depressing self hatred.

 

I eventually came to realise my ghosts were never there to torture me, part of the reason why they would return so often to haunt me involved them seeking forgiveness.

might sound odd for you to read this (or me to say it) but "welcome back".

 

Not sure how things have changed for you since you were last here. Except knowing from your most recent post that it still hurts. Do you want to share a little about what has happened? Listening if you want to chat.