How to forgive yourself

[Anzacspirit]

How do you forgive yourself when the voice in your head constantly brings up the things you’ve done. If I can’t beat this it will consume me and that will be it. The only advice my psych has given me is that I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake, a bad one at that but I need to forgive myself and move on. It sounds so easy , everything I’ve done just replays. I hate what I did, it’s not me. Others have forgiven me but I just can’t let go. I don’t know how to let go. I want to be free of this darkness that is shadowing me.

[quirkywords]

Kitty

thanks for your questions which raises some issues.
I know I feel guilty for something from decades ago and can’t forgive myself as others can’t.

anzac it is hard when you feel you have this overwhelming burden of guilt.

[Anzacspirit]

Forgiveness of yourself seems to me like you’re saying it’s ok what you did. What I did is never ok, no matter what the circumstances. This is why I’m struggling to forgive myself because what I did is not ok. I spoke to a friend the other night who was struggling and he revealed he did the same as me 20 years ago and he still hates himself for it. I asked if he had forgiven himself and he said he never could. How do people live with stuff like this? How do you just put it out of your mind?

[Guest_1584]

lt's the curse of being too empathetic isn't it , too gooda person , even if we did mess up.

l'm known people that should be feeling these things about something they've done to me or others but you know what, yrs later l'd realized they don't even remember let alone feel guilty. lt's nothing for some people to just wander in in cause some shyt , do something or treat you or someone else some way and then just stroll of into life on their merry way.

Just this last few days yet more l just wish l could have the chance to make it up to someone. For a better person than many deep down, l def' manage to mess up.

rx

[Eitoman]

Really feels so sad you are self harming to punish yourself for past wrongs. I also have past wrongs and I am extremely dissapointed in myself and full of loathing for my stupid mistakes. I have started to self-harm when I think of how stupid and damaging I have been. Somedays I struggle to get out of bed in the morning because I don't want to wake up and feel the guilt, sadness, and stupidity - sleep a little longer and avoid "everything".

I read your comments and hear the same words I say to myself. The strange thing is that when I read your words it showed that inside you there is a better you. I mean, for a person to feel guilt and shame they must know what good and righteous are to identify improper actions. I shows that you are desirous of doing good - but mistakenly in your past it did not work out as planned. You have put the effort towards considering your actions and found that it was not what you really intended. Consideration is the key word - your guilt and shame are markers showing consideration for others; indicates you are a good and kind person.

In writing this response to your post it has made me realize that it is our good nature that causes us to feel these things about our own actions. It means underneath it all is a good person that has made mistakes. This is a bit of a start in forgiving myself.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Eitoman,

Thank you for sharing this. It's a really brave and powerful message and we're glad you could reach out here, and feel understood within this community. We can hear you're dealing with some really difficult things, so please know that we're here for you.

We are reaching out to you privately to check you're ok and let you know that the Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you, for any time you'd like to talk things through. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636, or on webchat (11am-midnight AEDT) here.

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope you can be as kind to yourself as you have been in sharing such a thoughtful message with the community here.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[mmMekitty]

Hello Anzacspirit, & Etoman, & everyone,

What wonderful words Etoman has for anzacspirit - & anyone reading.

I would like us all to read Etoman's words again, & take them into our hearts.s

Why do we punish ourselves in ways we would not punish everyone else, if they had made exactly the same mistake? Why do we see humanity everywhere but within ourselves?

If we can see our own humanity, we can, will & do have compassion.

Any thoughts?

mmMekity

[Anzacspirit]

Thanks for your response. I know I’m a good person who’s made some terrible decisions. Unfortunately I feel those decisions define me inside. I wish there was a way of wiping memories so I’m not haunted by the things I did. Knowing I have to live with this the rest of my life is the worst feeling.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , know exactly what you mean.

As l was saying l think it was in this one , it's amazing how most people seem to just strut off into life like nothings happened anyway, no conscience , nothing.

rx

[YorkeYorke]

Sorry to hear these decisions are still troubling you. It sounds like a very persistent issue that's plagued you for a long time, which must make it all the more difficult.

I was reading over this thread for the first time and MeKitty's response on the 9th of Oct really resonated with me. I really like the analogy about the prison sentence because its so true. We can beat ourselves up for so long over things we've done, or said, or even just thought about. Its that whole thing about being our own worst critic.

The reason I liked the analogy is because I do agree that eventually, we do our time and it is fair to yourself to see that inner 'better person' that Eitoman mentioned. That's where all the potential is to move forward in the way you want to.

Whether or not those harsh self-criticisms go away I wish you all the very best, some peace for yourself and a way to move forward even if they are still there.

[Guest_1584]

That is a really good way to look at these things , done your time.

If only they could also tell us , ok you've done your time, now this is how you now switch that bs off and out of your head forever.

rx