Help? Advice needed

R.Penn · ‎24-10-2019

Hello... I need some advice, I have posted to BB before but I needed to get some opinions/ advice on a certain work situation I am in. I am the only LGBT (lesbian) identifying individual at my work place (majority of workplace gender is female) and have fallen for another female co-worker. But she is in a long term relationship (since she was 20). We have developed a really good connection and are good friends, but we both share the same feelings and have met up a couple of times outside of work. I am so terrified and guilty, I have caused problems for her relationship and distracted her from mending things with her partner, I even met them both to keep the peace which was incredibly anxiety-inducing for myself but I thought it was the right thing to do. But now he won’t let her text me and monitors her every move which I completely understand because I feel like I am the catalyst. But she needed a good friend as we work in a rural location and we both don’t have many friends to talk to about this. I feel very overwhelmed, guilty but also angry for her. I don’t know if I just should have kept my feelings to myself? It’s all a bit complicated. We are not allowed to text at all from today and I feel pretty depressed. I think I am a bad person for potentially ruining their relationship (he cheated on her for 3 years but doesn’t make this right either) but all I wanted was to offer friendship at the start but our feelings grew stronger… working together has been difficult too with its ups and downs. I have tried to back off completely and give them space but she keeps returning to me and I also am so drawn to her as we connect really well we just seem to be going in circles but I feel like I may be in dangerous territory now… any advice and please be nice as it’s easier said than done when it comes to being in a situation like this… feelings are so complicated. I’m also terrified this is going to leak out at work and I will potentially be fired/ persecuted and judged or forced to quit. I just want us both to be happy 😞 I also suffer from depression and anxiety and it has been affecting my personal life. I can't seem to think about anything else. Another thing is we have a 15 year age gap and thought it was strange at the start but I don't think Love discriminates. The connection is definitely genuine but maybe not the reality we both can have?

Nothappyuni · ‎24-10-2019

Hi R.Penn

Having had a partner who had an affair I know it is a shattering experience.

Reading through your post, you ask questions then answer them yourself. I feel you are an intelligent woman who understands their situation well.

I had friends who broke up under the very same circumstances, their new relationship only lasted two months.

It is a difficult situation when so many lives are impacted.

All the best to you, I am sorry I don't have more insights, but I do feel for you- I know the depression and anxiety caused by indecision.

R.Penn · ‎28-10-2020

Hello Nothappy@uni, I am so sorry for not replying to your post. I’m sorry your partner had an affair on you. You did not deserve that kind of treatment.

I feel so stupid and utterly depressed. I Truly respect relationships and I think at the time I felt a lot of shame and guilt for it, I still do. My situation turned into a situationship and I had to quit my job and I have been lied to and lead on for over a year now. I tried keeping distance, tried listening and caring being a friend, I tried to cut contact, she would chuck temper tantrums first on text message when I was trying to end things neutral but now I am an the one getting ridiculous over texting and saying things I regret. It turns out we have something called a trauma bond, well I know I do. I eventually decided I needed to quit my second job after the job I was in working with her. Covid happened. I decided to move to the city to cut contact and start fresh. I caved and told her I was moving and wanted to say goodbye, she didn’t want to say goodbye. We ended up together for two days but she didn’t sleep over. I feel a lot of shame but also during this time have been given information from my psych on BPD as she thinks I have traits of it and that I definitely have a pattern of meeting people with it. I literally wanted to end my life the other night Because I asked her if she still had mutual feelings for me and she said they changed because of my upsetting words. She constantly says things that suggest a future relationship but she is too scared to come out as gay. I feel like I have tortured myself waiting for her and feel so embarrassed but also just want her love. I have massive trust issues now too and just feel like I will never find or have a healthy normal relationship which was my goal. I never wanted to get sucked into a toxic relationship. I tried so hard to fight it, but I guess I have to accept it and move on. I just think well maybe I do have BPD I’ve never loved someone like this before and trying to let it go. I can’t talk about it to anyone because I feel their judgment, it has been so long. I have no one to talk to, my psych doesn’t even want to talk about it anymore I think. But she is going to help me with my boundaries which is good. I feel like ending my life most days now because I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel so unworthy. I quit all my jobs and moved and then moved back only to be dumped two days ago, no job either= idiot

Sophie_M · ‎28-10-2020

Hi R.Penn,

We're so sorry to hear that it's been such a turbulant time and that you're struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds like a really complicated situation - please try to be gentle with yourself, you sound like a good person. Relationships can be very complicated. If you have a trusted friend or family member to open up to, we would urge you to do so. Sometimes we are the harshest judges of ourselves.

It's good to hear that you're seeing a psych. Please remember that if you find yourself needing to talk things through between sessions, there is support available. We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

However, if at any time you become an immediate danger to yourself, please contact 000 (triple zero) as this is an emergency.

You might also be interested in some of our pages:

"Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal

“Coping with a relationship breakdown” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/wellbeing/coping-with-a-relationship-breakdown

Please do feel free to reach out here and keep us updated whenever you're feeling up to it.