Hate this.

[Rothman]

Hey.. need advice. 28 (nearly 29) yo f.

Been self harming, not eating, depressed for.. damn.. 18years now.

Cant go to gp alone, boyfriend says "go ahead off self if that selfish"

Cant hospital.. ambo/cop (will get family evicted.. already happened twice lol)

Social anxiety, phone phobias, no webcams.. what.. do i.. its everyday now and no one cares?

[Rothman]

@tranzcrybe

i burned all bridges. no one is willing to help me now because of my constant refusal. at work i still keep getting.. puppied / ignored. no one asks because they are scared what i will say.

it was R U OK day the other day. i worked.. no one asked. whats the point of it?

i have asked people that maybe if they try to.. trick or force me, maybe. but i understand why they say no. im being manipulative..

i hate what ive done to every relationship i tried to build over the past 4 years. ive destroyed every single one in what? 2? 3? months.

im just so tired?

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Rothman,

Sorry to hear you are feeling low again, but as many bridges that are burnt, there are always many more you can build (some can even be repaired).

"i have asked people that maybe if they try to.. trick or force me"...

It sounds complex because nobody would want to force you into anything - especially if you projected resistance to getting help in the past. Your realisation and acceptance may actually be a positive sign for your path to recovery. Can you take that courageous step by yourself to see your GP to start the process? I think you are up to it and motivated for change.

"i hate what ive done to every relationship i tried to build"...

I doubt you have 'destroyed relationships' - true friendships can weather the storm which separates the wheat from the chaff. Please don't be deterred from trying again and again.

How are things at home? Have you thought of zoning 'personal space' to escape to your own private sanctuary as required? I prefer my office and being surrounded by pictures, plants and other things that comfort me; but it doesn't have to be a room - any designated area to call your own can be a reassuring haven.

I hope you are eating and sleeping well - do not neglect your own needs, Rothman.

Take care, and don't give up. You are sensitive to others' feelings and place disproportionate blame on yourself for their actions/inactions.

Kind regards,

t.

[Rothman]

@tranzcrybe

thankyou! hope you are well too!

I can't go to GP alone because of lying and fears. Anxiety.. etc lol? Same with phone calls or webcam chats. No go.

I've never had friends my whole life. Just my boyfriend of like, hold on i'll math.. gosh 12ish years now? But he is done with my.. everything. I can't be sad around him, I can't let him knew about SH because he just.. he can't deal with it again and again.

He knows though. He isn't an idiot.. it's just that he.. has his own problems(medical) too that he won't see a doctor about so he can't help me?

Living.. we live in a small cabin with my father who is what? 80? Trying to save to move into a rental, was looking but then it halted due to old mans health. He now cant drive, see or hear properly. And his memory is going too so I feel stuck. (Yet he attacks me for "why wont you guys move out im bored here)

I cant find motivation to look for a rental because he screams or shouts a lot or plays loud loud music and im struggling with my own sanity.. boyfriend doesn't try and so no, i can't really..

I do go for walks often or go sit on a bench in the park near the river (sometimes at night - stars are pretty) to just.. think and breath though?

Again thankyou for replying hope alls good

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Rothman,

Thank you for your kind words. Things aren't too bad here with the prospects of lifting covid restrictions and returning to some normality again, but it's not been without damage.

I understand feeling self conscious around people - I try to associate medical professionals as separate from 'normal' people to allay fears of interaction. It sounds silly, but I tell myself "They are only interested in my problem, not me personally".

Essentially, GPs and counsellors are there to do their job - no different to packing boxes in a factory, but it requires you to be part of the process. Sometimes, you just have to accept there are things you can't resolve without help. I'd love it if you and boyfriend could support each other and see a GP together one day - just for a check up and to start the ball rolling from there as you become more comfortable with the idea...

Your father may be eligible for a 'Home Care Package' to support himself with medical and personal assistance/care. Search www.myagedcare.gov.au for more info about getting an ACAT assessment.

Mm, sitting by the river is a blissful way to just reflect in tranquility - lots of ducks and their chicks near my place is an added bonus.

Stay strong and take care, Rothman.

Regards,

t.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Rothman,

Hope you are doing okay - just wanted to catch up with you about how things are panning out with your father, work, boyfriend and you.

Apart from buying phone cards and drinking all the milk, does your father get out much? Even a bit of a veggie garden is a healthy routine for exercise or interest. Does he like animals? A pet pooch is an easy way to encourage regular walks and can be a good companion for anyone in need of some unconditional love.

Boyfriend's medical issues - what's preventing him attending to these? Is it fear, cost, or just time off work? Ignoring conditions could lead to more complications down the track (and more responsibility on you)

You - your workplace any better? If not, your self esteem may be suffering - perhaps you could do with a change of scenery and new faces. Is it possible to track down a new job to make a fresh start? This could reinvigorate your life and give you a boost.

It's not much, but improving others' lives can give you space to enjoy your own a little more - don't forget to treat yourself once in a while as well.

Take care and stay well.

t.

[Rothman]

It feels like my brain is broken into a million pieces and struggling with reality. Been like this a while. Something is very wrong in my head lol. Hope y'all okay.

[Rothman]

I don't know

[Sophie_M]

Hey Rothman, welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums. Thanks for stopping by and keeping us updated on your thread. We can hear that you've been struggling lately and that you feel something is wrong. Have you spoken to anyone about these feelings? a friend, doctor or counsellor? they might be able to provide you with some advice and reassurance.  We would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these feelings that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport Please know that you're not alone and there will be members of this community who relate to what you are describing.    

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Rothman,

Great to hear from you! And you have awareness enough to identify how you are feeling from 'outside' yourself.

What do you see that seems so wrong?

Regards,

t.

[tranzcrybe]

What feels different from a couple of weeks ago? Home, work, boyfriend, dad...

-t,