Don't tell me I'm not alone. Don't tell me there's help.

[foodwithsauce]

I'm tired of hearing these thoughtless and frankly false platitudes from people who have no basis on which to rest such assertions. I want to be dead. That's the ideal. Past-tense. I don't want to have to go through the stress and cost and drama of finding a viable exit. I just want to not wake up tomorrow. But I don't want to live out a natural life. That's for damn sure.

I hate being told there's help. If actual, practical help exists then I've somehow managed not to find any in the last sixteen years. So either it's well-hidden or I'm just unworthy of it. I've found the opposite. People who were perfectly willing to kick me at my lowest and make things worse. People willing to exploit, abuse, cheat, beat and rob me. There's no shortage of that.

[Sophie_M]

Hi foodwithsauce,

We're so sorry to hear that you want to be dead. We understand that feeling unsupported during difficult times like these can be quite painful. We can hear that you're feeling really low at the moment. Please know that we are all here to listen. We are trying to get in touch with you privately as we are concerned for your wellbeing.

Can we ask you what kind of support you are hoping to find? Are you currently receiving any mental health support, or have you in the past? Please do feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

 If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough period.
 

[smallwolf]

Hi.

You sound quite angry, upset and frustrated with the world and how you have been treated by many people in your life. I would also agree with you that it is a despicable act to do those things to you at any time.

In saying that I wonder if you are looking for someone here to listen to your story. One thing I found was that keeping thoughts and feelings inside and not telling anyone was not good for my self esteem etc.

So I will not do as you ask. Instead I will invite you to tell me more about yourself. We could talk about anything really. What do you think? I hope to hear from you soon.

Tim

[foodwithsauce]

I don't think the kind of support I'm looking for exists, or would if I were still looking for it. I've been through the whole mental-health system; psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, therapy, meds for most of my adult life. I tried to contact Beyond Blue twice already tonight, but because I can't speak loudly/clearly when my anxiety is like this they just hang up so I don't feel like trying again as that's kind of upsetting.

Just to be clear. I don't feel like I have no support. Perhaps I'm wrong and I have more than I realise (I don't think so) but either way it's not just some feeling based on nothing empirical.

If I believed there were people to reach out to who were there to listen, and do something other than dispense generalised platitudes and or robotically go through the motions of discharging their duty of care I would do so.

I can tell you what is on my mind though: I don't want to be alive. I'm tired of chronic physical pain, anxiety and isolation. This isn't a transient thing. I've been dealing with some or all of this since my teens. The list of things I can do without suffering in some way is small, and shrinking. It will only get worse.

I don't like to feel like garbage, but if I were a worthwhile person, or if people could recognise that then I wouldn't be in this position so it's inevitable.

[Sophie_M]

Hi foodwithsauce,

It sounds like you have a lot to cope with, and we can hear that you've had a long journey. We recognise that it can be particularly hard to cope with difficulties when you are feeling isolated.

It might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area.​​​You can find information on support groups available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

You might also find it useful to take a look at some of our Beyond Blue resources for some ideas:

• “Loneliness” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/in-focus/loneliness-the-public-health-issue-we-sh...

• "Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal
• "Journey to wellness" -
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/journey-to-wellness

Or you might be interested in reading about the journey of someone who at one point felt hopeless -  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/losing-hope-finding-hope

Many of our community members also experience chronic pain, anxiety, and isolation. Hopefully a few of them will pop by over the next few days to welcome you to the forums and share some words of wisdom or kindness. Some people find that becoming part of the Beyond Blue forum community can ease some feelings of isolation. We hope that being part of our community can do this for you as well.

[Ggrand]

Hello foodwithsauce,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums..

I really am deeply sorry ( not just words.I really do mean it)...that you’re going though so much, and have been for many years...

Those mean people who kick us when we’re down are very easy to find..without actually looking for them..,There is never no excuse to hurt anyone..

Our beautiful community at Beyond Blue...are genuinely caring and kind people and I found when I was and when I travel down to the dark hole and I’m all alone, the people belonging to this community are who I turn to....

foodwithsauce...,is their anything at all that gives you small pieces of peace and maybe a smile on your face...I know it’s hard to find something when we’re so low...I had so many things I used to like to do..but depression took them away from me...mostly I just sit outside and watch nature...some I burn candles and watch the flickering flame with some gentle music playing...You have probably heard all that before..but I feel your hurt, pain and loneliness and want to try so much to help support you and hopefully get to know you a little...

You’re journey sounds like it has been hard for you...and you wanting to be dead..says so....I wanted to be as well a couple of years ago..I reached out here and haven’t look back since...It’s hard with chronic physical pain, anxiety and isolation...I can’t begin to understand chronic pain...Anxiety and isolation is what I have nearly 24/7...living alone with no loved ones around can really be overwhelming with loneliness...

Please continue reaching out here and talking when you are feeling able to...We are here for you, when we are able to be...

Sending you my care and the kindest wishes I can dear foodwithsauce..

Grandy..

[White_Rose]

Hello Foodwithsauce

I offer you a genuine welcome to the forum. I'm not sure how we can best help you but if we continue talking maybe we will find out.

You said, "I don't like to feel like garbage, but if I were a worthwhile person, or if people could recognise that then I wouldn't be in this position so it's inevitable." None of us like to feel that way. If I tell you that you are worthwhile what would you reply? I believe everyone is worthwhile no matter their circumstances. Being constantly put down in some way makes it hard to believe we have any value. This leads to more disappointment and a stronger wish to die. And so it goes on. What would it take for you to believe in yourself?

Would it help to have stronger positive interactions with those who care? And if you believe this would help, where can you find these people?

I am unsure if you go to work. You sound as though you have quite serious physical limitations which may restrict your employment prospects. Is this correct? Many people find having a job rewarding and helps them to feel worthwhile. If you are limited in what you can do I recognise the frustration you experience. What can you do about this?

COVID19 has taught many people the value of family and friends and how they feel without that support and comfort. Having been largely in that position because of my own ill-health I know how much I miss being with others even though they are available at the end of the phone. Phone calls are great but not a substitute for face to face contact.

I don't want to utter false platitudes, thoughtless or otherwise. I don't know what makes you tick but I would like to continue to chat with you and find out. Do you think this would help?

I hope to hear from you.

Mary

[foodwithsauce]

smallwolf - thank you for the response. It deserves a longer reply, and I'll try to work on something when I have the mental resources. For now I just want to point out that anger is not an issue unless it's being angry with myself.

Sophie_M - I'm not coping, and I don't want to. There is no conceivable reality in which someone like me is going to be able to build a social network. I read your article on loneliness and I don't find anything Ellen says with respect to the availability of help credible. After all if there's so much wonderful help out there why is loneliness such an epidemic? Hell I've been speaking to GPs, social workers, and mental health professionals for over a decade and none of what that article says about the availability of help rings true in the slightest. In fact when I tell these people I'm socially isolated most of them don't even believe me (as in they assume I must still have family and some friends who I just don't see much) and if they do all they ever offer is trite advice about volunteering and taking classes - if they do anything at all beyond expressing some vague commiseration - all of which I've done. Forgive me for skipping the others. I might read them later. I read part of the one about the fireman, and couldn't continue. This person's reality is totally alien to me. I'm looking at the Neami website but I can't find anything about support groups. I've had nothing but bad experiences with Grow.

Ggrand - Thank you for the response, though I'm not sure I can discuss the things that make me feel better here. Sorry for the short response. But I don't have much energy to think and write. I will try to send more later.

[Sophie_M]

Hi foodwithsauce,

This is a direct link to the Neami group programs page - https://www.neaminational.org.au/our-services/community-based-mental-health/community-programs/

It's a painful thing to be socially isolated, and it's unfortunate that you've had the experience of mental health professionals not validating that experience. You mentioned that you've previously tried volunteering and taking classes in order to meet people. Would you like to tell us about some of these experiences?

It sounds like you're feeling a bit low on energy tonight, so please feel free to respond to the community at a time when you feel up to it.

 

[Roads_End]

I shouldn't reply as nothing I am about to say is positive but what foodwithsauce has posted rings so true for me as well, I know exactly what foodwithsauce means " your not alone, help is at hand" but for some of us the kind word's, reassurance, being active, socially engaging, focusing on the positive, getting sunlight and fresh air, none of this makes a scrap of difference, the misery is still always there. So then there is medication, and if your lucky it might work, but for me it was only for a while before it fades mean while you have to deal with all the side effects, none of them good, therapy, well I guess it works for a lot of people but try as I might to change my thoughts, calm my soul and head off the negativity the black mist of despair is always there smothering me. Then there is ECT, been there done that, worked for 3 fantastic months giving me a taste of how good life could be and should be, but it faded back to misery leaving me feeling cheated that I'm not allowed that sense of joy and contentment other's seem to feel. So after everything has failed and the people I really hoped might be able to help are out of ideas your left in joyless despair and pain for decades all the while hearing " your not alone, help is at hand" and you so wish that were true, and then even though it's not anyone's fault because there is nothing they can do, I get angry because " your not alone, help is at hand" makes it sound like releaf and help should be so easy, it's only a phone call away but it's not, your left with just yourself and thoughts of how to end this misery merry-go-round from hell.

Please all you good people,don't be offended by what I've said, it's not a criticism of you kind wonderful people, you help so many people by being there for them but for others like myself and maybe foodwithsauce' feels the same there is no way to help. So why do I bother coming here, I really cant answer that, I just need to let someone know how bleak it feels for some reason I don't understand

Sorry foodwithsauce for barging in on your thread, and sorry to if I've got it all wrong how you feel but what you wrote was just so exactly how I feel but I've never been able to get anyone else to understand