Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

[geelt]

Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.

[Isabella_]

Hi there,

I'm glad to hear from you again. Don't apologise for coming across as rude - you don't come across as rude at all. I'm glad you're taking the step to tell your mum, that's really great and I know it's something that you've been struggling to do for a while. Regardless of what her reaction is, it's an amazing step. Getting better and being productive isn't linear at all. It's a strong desire for change.. Grappling with depression and anxiety that craves comfort and hates change.. Taking steps to get better, giving up, letting yourself down, it's a big cycle. I think you're doing amazing.

Coming here and sharing I hope is something therapeutic. It may not be a task that seems productive, but I think it definitely is and necessary in some way, even if it's not conventional like putting your head in the books to study. We often have a lot we need to take care of before we can be expected to do things like that. I know you say that acknowledging your inactivity doesn't make up for it.. I think you're right about that. But regardless I think it's vital and productive in itself.

I'm glad you've got a new library card and started listening to books that are helpful for you. Video games are hard and I get into phases in and out where they're all I care to do with my time.. It's almost a false sense of productivity by finishing in game tasks and quests. I tend to play games that require collecting and I think it's because I put off uni, finding jobs.. It's a sense of completion and success that's really accessible.

I hope it goes well for you too. One step at a time, and you're doing just that. ❤️

[geelt]

Hello,

Thanks for the links Sophie, they helped me prepare for my conversation with her. I wasn't able to talk to her while shopping so I told her at night.

She was happy that I was open about my problems and didn't blame me for anything. I am fortunate to have understanding parents. She understands that its like this for lots of other people and its okay to want to stop/change study. Still feel guilty about everything. It will be easier to do things now, no need to lie about where I'm going or make excuses why I can't do things.

My room has changed quite a bit, I had changed it to be more suitable for at home learning last year but we all know how that never ended up working out... Still I should do some cleaning as some mess has started to form. Plenty of things I can do to reduce the clutter and make finding things easier. Will see what I can do, always good to do some dusting.

It's helpful having a place to write out my thoughts, gives me time to reflect on the past couple days.

Games are easy to overindulge in, they're designed to keep your attention. A false sense of productivity is a good way to put it, a lot easier clicking and moving around virtually than in real life when there aren't as many physical indications of achievement. It's satisfying seeing everything that you've done in-game, almost a tangible indication of all the things you've done. Then there's fear of missing out on new things makes it hard to quit. I know I shouldn't be playing these kind of time-sinking games, but having something to do every day and to wait for is really something I lack. Don't end up hating myself for failing compared to things like drawing or feel drained mentally. Instant gratification is going to make it hard to find other things worthwhile when there are things designed to get you hooked. Wouldn't call myself addicted but I'm either biased or in denial or not. Denial won't fix anything. Just another thing to escape from everything.

Hating myself for self-caused problems won't fix anything but its hard not calling myself stupid or a loser for my lack of discipline and self-control. Need to work on things slowly. SHould stop before I think to much about things.

Thanks for all the help and kind words everyone.

[tranzcrybe]

Great news, geelt; so proud of you for confronting your fear and confiding in your mum (and also your detailed thought processes here on the forum to help you arrive at a determination!).
Don't forget to have a special plant or feature to focus on in your room - a bit of fengshui can shift any negative energy!
Games: while sedentary, your mind interprets the stimulus and applies the mental responses as if physical - this can really mess with your neurals resulting in 'fog'. No need to chuck it in, but strict times to avoid the rabbit hole 😉
Nothing to hate or judge, you are a work in progress and have made great strides toward finding acceptance within yourself (and others).

[Here2Talk]

Hi Geelt,

Sorry for being a scummy human and not replying in so long. My own mind has been on a bit of a roller coaster over the past month or so…

Any plans going forward, after talking to your mum, regarding your mental health eg therapy GP? I get instant Gratification- it’s also even harder not to cave to instant gratification when you have anxiety- it provides a pleasant relief from anxiety via avoidance. Sorry I don’t feel up to picking apart all the things that you’ve said right now via text is just too cumbersome for my mind to dissect. I do sense that you think at a million miles an hour tho, and I am exactly the same - I recently wrote a message to a friend overseas and it ended up being over a 1000 words

[geelt]

Hi Here2Talk,

Don't say that, you're not any less of a person for not replying. I understand that things come up, mentally or physically. You don't need to feel forced to reply straight away or at all, your wellbeing is your priority. All the best for you in the upcoming couple days/weeks, I don't know what's best to say but I hope things go well with what you're facing. I can understand if what I said feels like empty words. It's easy to feel powerless when everything is racing around.

I don't have any immediate plans with my mental health. I'm going to talk to my Psychiatrist about it this week and go from there.

I need to better weigh what's important with my time, instant gratification gets in the way of planning anything. Discipline, schedules everything I need to get to the starting phase then momentum. Reprogramming my brain will take time but I actually need to do the work.

[Isabella_]

Hi Geelt,

It's been a little while since we've heard from you, I hope you're doing okay. ❤️

How have things been going for you?

[geelt]

Hi Isabella,

Things have been going alright, haven't been taking the initiative to be doing all I can. Been feeling low on energy lately and don't have much to say.

My sleep has been getting worse, too dependent on my phone to go to bed. I need to break this bad habit but its easy to avoid thinking if I distract myself with it. Will stop using it before bed today. Been hard getting myself out of bed to do anything.

Still been going for walks, albeit infrequently. Been using public gym equipment to try get in better shape, I'm planning on picking up the pace and frequency when my muscles hurt less. Hope I'm not doing anything wrong that'll cause some damage to by body.

Went to the dentist the other day for an annual checkup, a small hole was starting to form on my wisdom teeth and I have to decide if I want to fill it or get it removed. Otherwise the dentist said my teeth were good. Now I need to decide if I want to get all my wisdom teeth removed or just fill the hole. Thinking about it too much just makes me think about everything health related and worry about other things that will cost money.

Bought some yarn to do some knitting or crocheting for something to do. My mind keeps wandering when I do things. So much things I want to get back into doing, try writing something or getting back into art. I want to do or make something meaningful, which is easier said than done.

I am still hesitant about choosing something to do study wise. Still haven't gotten my enrollments or leave in order. Don't know what I want to do. Just wasting everyday doing nothing.

[geelt]

I need to do something but its all overwhelming. I cant just let each day pass by while I wallow in self pity. I need to try. I need to stop saying 'I need' or 'I should' or 'I have to' and start actually doing something. The panic of not wanting to just let everything pass by but theres nothing I can do about it at 2 in the morning and its complacebt feeling that its enough and I cant bottle or ignore any desire or want to do something good. Try something new try something do anything than waste away.

Im repeating the same thing over and over. Fear of getting old fear of change fear that the past is never going to come back sentimental emotions are painful. I need to do something.

Im fortunate privilge having a life i have. How do i face problems that shape myself as a person im a blob of complacency weak persob dont even try yet. Make excuses

Do i get my wisdom teeth removed if i dont and slck of and dobt brush my teeth rotten teeth shut up I have not done anything to try and cobtrol this overthinking. Everytging complicatee complicated. Life. Im a bad person. Dont like fake.

Change is hard. Emotions hard. Behind mental growth. What do what do i do do. Shut up unddcisive baby.

[geelt]

The psychiatrist I was seeing is no longer working at the clinic, my GP will help me look for someone and talk about my options the next time I see them.

I keep procrastinating doing things. Its easy to keep making excuses for not doing things. Always waiting for the right moment to do things when I can just do them right then and there.

I need to get out more and socialize. Improve myself. Not going to fix anything by lying in bed all the time.

I started raising tadpoles around Christmas time and now they're starting to metamorphosise into frogs. Mainly an issue with having space to house them but it worked out in the end. Ended up having to deal with 100 or so of them, a lot of buckets to give them enough room and I eventually put them all in a plastic trough big enough for them all.Too worried I might kill them but no casualties so far. Worried that they wont go to the patch of gravel I made and drown. Didnt take much to raise them, just feeding and changing their water. Will be releasing them slowly as they finally turn to frogs. I handle them more than I should, im stupid. Thinking about them has kept me up sometimes, I really don't do well with animals. Feel bad that most probably wont survive in the wild but I can't save all of them and i need to accept it. Why did I look after them in the first place. Can't keep them because I would need a permit or license and with it I wouldn't be able to keep wild frogs, no proper living space for all the frogs either, no grass or bodies of water on the ground. Don't want to have the responsibility of owning a proper pet frog. Frogs are interesting.

I could have something more productive or let me take some steps to turning my life around. Overall was an interesting experience. I could have gotten a job or went to university but I had to be an idiot loser and waste time playing with tadpoles that would have prefered me not constantly pestering them.

I dont know. I dont know if im just faking everything ibdobt want to be but msybe im just stipid lazy shut up me. Self loathing just feels productive justifying being bad self improvement important.

[geelt]

Talking to people is hard. I have nothing to talk about who wants to hear about frogs I know nothing about whatever I try talking about.

I don't want to hear my parents complain about each other and siblings but theres nothing else to talk about.

Trying to learn more of their native language from them to make them happy. Nothing sticks in my head, I'm not smart because I can remember a couple words from picking it up from being raised by them.

Nothing I can start conversations with them. I feel bad. Parents want my sister to gain weight but people gaining weight differently doesnt seem to register to them. They want us to be healthy, dont want us getting judged or projecting but I dont want to see my sister slowly getting more frustrated when they bring it up and eventually break down after getting so fed up and annoyed with them.

Cant encourage someone to eat more when theyre tired of hearing it. Then cry because they wont leave them alone then get angry because they cried then act like the victim because they think they theyre in the right and seeing them cry makes them feel bad but not bad enough to reflect

Im not any better.

Its unavoidable because theres no right or wrong thing because people do what they think is best.

People always have conflict makes it hard to want to do anything

I'm just whining and complaining.

Getting frustrated when I do anything. I have a short trmper but dont want get angry. Im so pathetic wont even learn how to do anything. Then so many things go wrong that make it impossive.

its just more of the same thing i have said before, which shows i've learnt nothing bevause im not trying to make steps into improvement. My problems wluld get solved if i wasnt a despicable loser whining pathetic man child that has a mental breakdown bevause i dont know remember how to use illustrstor and its the 3rd or so time relearning everything from square one shut up im not ready for the word. Inflexible man child grow up