Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

geelt · ‎20-07-2021

Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.

Here2Talk · ‎05-11-2021

Hope you’re okay … drop in to let us know how you’ve been the past few days

geelt · ‎06-11-2021

Hi,

Sorry for the lack of responses. I had an appointment with my GP on Wednesday and have been feeling down the past couple of days. Just hating myself for being indecisive and not taking the initiative to make changes in my life.

I find it difficult making friends as well. Never had anything I could talk about to others or share. I know how important it is to make connections with people but its just another thing I need to work on.

Thinking about paying off loans for uni feels overwhelming at times. Didn't feel worthwhile for my design degree, but what do I know.

I feel that I have too many expectations on myself. Drawing had always been something I was somewhat competent at, it was a part of my identity. I don't have the skills to back it up. I think I'm just looking for praise or validation from my drawings but don't believe what I do is competent.

I find myself enjoying the ideation and sketching/drafting stage than the end result. I just need to practise more but I'm hesitant to keep on trying.

Doing anything creative is impressive. A lot of work goes into anything, whether its art or music and its easy to dismiss all the work that goes into it. They say you don't need to be an expert to judge something, but that trivialises all the effort it takes to make something no matter the end result. I hope your album goes well and if things don't go how you would've liked, you are content with creating it. Sorry if this isn't the right thing to say.

I think now isn't a good time for me to be thinking about study, when my mental health improves i'll be more open to chat about it. Thinking about money and making a living will only worsen things at the moment.

Thinking about putting bread on the table feels so depressing. Just feels that there is so much that can go wrong and set you back but keep on living. I'm being edgy. You eventually starve without food but there's always something you can sacrifice to keep on living to get food water a roof over your head. I just need a taste of reality to realise how lucky I am. Hit rock bottom and

I don't know what's going to keep me going in life. Existing just feels like a cruel joke. There are things that are enjoyable but that makes it worse.

At this rate I'm not going to be able to study anything. Should look for a job with low skill entry. Do some actual work for the first time in my life and contreibute to society.

Sophie_M · ‎06-11-2021

Hi geelt,

We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support.

In the event that you are feeling like hurting yourself, it is important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. You can do this by:

• Speaking to your doctor or psychologist (if you have one) if he or she is available right now

• If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Here2Talk · ‎07-11-2021

Don’t be sorry - I was just hoping I hadnt depressed you or anything with what I was said in my last message.

I feel everything you’re saying. After uni I was unemployed, moved back to my hometown, eventually got two cruddy part time jobs after a while of having nothing but Centrelink. After a while Managed to land the job I’m in now and I hate, luckily because of knowing someone…. It’s a precarious world….

you might be right, now might not be the time to think about study and all of that stuff..

I am reading a book at the moment called personality isn’t permanent by a psychologist by the name of Ben Hardy- $4 on kindle. It’s a bit of a beacon of light for me at the moment, between my darker moments of trying to accomplish 50 things a day and getting like 1 finished… he basically argues that you can transform yourself, that your personality isn’t “determined”, set in stone…

Just the idea of it is thrilling- my whole life I’ve felt a lot like what you’ve described since we’ve been chatting- worries about health, social life, study, employment, self doubt about creativity…… incessantly plaguing my mind… so the idea of all that not being permanent is … would be amazing. Not that it’s agreed it is, it’s just when it has lasted so long you start to feel like it is permanent hey…

the last Psych I saw I expressed my worries that it would always be like this since primary school and she basically said that my anxiety was too severe and can’t have started at childhood so there must be something else wrong with me and this couldn’t see me…

How long have you felt the way you’ve felt? Hope you find some sunshine amongst the clouds friend 🙂

geelt · ‎16-11-2021

I don't know

Psychiatrist says I need to make a schedule. No things to do. Don't know when I should wake up, can't make noise if im the only one awake. Can't eat breakfast if I wake up late. Too much to think about when I need to stop thinking. So much easier to set a routine when I was in the mental health ward. I dont know how to solve any issues at home because nobody is going to change any of it.

I want to make my own food. Enough food for me to eat that does not take up too much space in the fridge because too much in the fridge no thing exists. I don't want to eat will make things worse if I don't eat.

I'm so useless

Was going to walk to the library to get a replacement card so I can get free EBooks and audiobooks because I don't want to spend money. Hour walk is manageable. have to go in the afternoon because its too hot before 3.

I can't get myself to do anything productive. Money money money. would be nice to cut all contact with family.

I don't know what to do with my life. A useless immature "adult" who cant do anything. Dont want to just self pity ii hate myself so much. Nothing to live for no reason to keep existing.

So hard talking to people. Anybody strangers or family.

Wasting so much time. Need to tell mum im a waste of a child a disappointment that she ashamed hate me hates.

I'm too caught up with overthinking that I'm paralyzed and can't make myself do anything. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. How can I get myself to drink and do what I need to fix my life, make changes to myself to live life.

Do I not want to do it or am I too petrified and scared to try, either one has the same result and time is running out for me. Can't stay in room

Driver license car money transport car. I should get my liscense but never feel ready. I'm dont enjoy driving how else do you get where you need with the flexibilty. money to driving instructor to take test need my own job to feel less guilty shut up brain one problem at a time.

Stop phone when should be sleeping mobile phones bad or just symptom of something else. I need to let thoughts pass when its bed time but they're so obnoxious and wont be quiet.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel

geelt · ‎16-11-2021

Hi Here2Talk,

My replies are a lot less frequent now are they. Just feeling pathetic. I'm not doing anything to improve my life.

It feels like how you feel about something is all it takes. Mindset is important but so hard to change it.

Changing myself actually involves me doing something to change.

I've been feeling this hopelessness since I started uni i think. The lack of structure and being told what to do and all the accountability being up to myself. When I realised that everything at home only accounted for school,

When you couldn't just ignore all your problems or escape from reality. I can't say for certain when these feelings started. I remember the lack of motivation affecting my work in my final year of school, 4 years ago.

Sorry for the nonsensical reply, had a breakdown stressing over how to do things but forcing myself to write a reply helped take my mind of it all.

Sophie_M · ‎16-11-2021

Hi geelt,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a struggle. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We are glad to hear that you have support from a psychiatrist. We have sent you a private email offering some further support. You can also reach out to Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. If you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

geelt · ‎25-11-2021

Hello,

Sorry if my reply earlier was rude,

I'm going to tell my Mum about my problems tomorrow when we go Black Friday Shopping. I can't put it off anymore I need to just stop worrying about it and tell her. So easy to say I'll do it eventually and never do it. Procrastination is so frustrating, not wanting to do important things. Don't know if I'm capable of doing things or smart or lazy or a degenerate waste of space. I need to take accountability, which is always something I have trouble getting through my dumb thick skull.

Was able to get a new library card, lots of books to listen to. Started listening to 'The Sleep Solution' by W. Winter Chris, made me reconsider my mindset about life in general, I never actually tried to do anything to improve my life. I feel like a broken record, repeating the same thing over and over. I'm so unforgivable for being a good for nothing. Don't know if I retain info well enough.

I'm pathetic and acknowledging my inaction isn't enough to make up for my unproductive time. Started playing video games that try and get you to play everyday. I need more discipline, nobody but myself to blame for not wanting to get my life together. Stupid me. Self loathing is pathetic when its me doing it. Do I have problem asking and asking and not doing anything is what I'm doing.

Hope it goes well tomorrow, might write how I feel afterwards.

Sophie_M · ‎25-11-2021

Hey geelt,

Welcome back to the forums,

We really hope you are able to share with your mum how you've been feeling. We know it can be a difficult topic to bring up, but we're certain it will be relieving for you. You might like to read over this article if you need any suggestions on how to go about starting this conversation: https://au.reachout.com/articles/6-tips-for-talking-to-your-parents-about-mental-health

We can hear that you're wanting to be more proactive in your life. Please remember that change takes time and it's important to be kind to yourself. Any step forward is worthy of celebration. It's also a lot easier to keep moving forward when you're able to forgive yourself for any mistakes or slip-ups. You will get there!

You might also find it helpful to contact the KidsHelpLine whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 by young people 25 and under via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

We hope to hear more from you soon.

tranzcrybe · ‎26-11-2021

For your sake, unburdening will feel like a weight lifted. How mother responds is neither within your control nor your doing/fault/responsibility.
However, do be sensitive/sympathetic to finding the appropriate time - blurting it all out may overload the senses leading to overreaction.
You are growing up! How's that room of yours? Still the same as it was when you were a teenager? Would be cathartic and symbolic of your renewed mindset to make the space uniquely yours - with permission of course, but think of the emotional reinforcement a facelift would have. Stimulate your imagination and stir the soul!