Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

[geelt]

Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.

[__Ulysses__]

I can talk about frogs but I'll tell you about my fish first. I have a cat and thought it would be nice to create a fish pond to amuse her with (no shock she's never showed any interest in the year I've had it).

Anyway got a wine barrel create, lined it with plastic through in some rocks from the garden added a small pump I had and bam, fishpond.

Bought 2 tropical fish from the fish store (I'm not into fish, always thought they boring pet) anyway next thing I know I must of had one male and one female as I now have 12 fish, then a week's later 40 fish.... Some tropical fish are suppose to eat their children but clearly these guys don't feel the need, maybe I'm feeding them too well.

the pond is getting cloudy, probably cause the balance is all wack with so much fish poo and whatever, (fish should shower more) so I just kind of ignore it.. Hoping they will balance themselves out..I give a bunch a way on Facebook too but too many fish.I don't want this. I don't want to be responsible for them or their death but I'll let nature take is course.

so it gets super murky and I clean it out, also there's been a tiny leak in the linerb the whole time and so I don't want the barrel to deteriorate.

And I only recover 6 fish. That's good. Now the fish are in clean water and they're mostly tiny so can't breed...

Then I get woken in the night by this crazy loud noise by some creature. Go outside to find these 3cm frogs (red Thighed green tree frog). Oh ok then, that's cool.

A Month later frogs are doing their thing again, check the fish pond in the morning to feed them... I'm down to 3 fish... What!

Anyway, Why you caught up on if you went to uni or not. I think you need a job or a commitment though if you don't have one, to get you out of the house and out of your head.

also, what do you do when your sister is getting told to eat? Maybe she needs you to verbal support her in front of your parents, help them see what you see.

[geelt]

Hi Ulysses,

I do think getting a job or any commitment would be a good step. I don't want to deal with my parents. My parents don't want me to get a job and wanted me to go to university but I wasn't able to finish my degree. I need to bring it up with my parents but talking about anything they makes me want to scream. If i bring up a job they keepnsaying dont worry aboit money but its not about money its about not wasting every day doing useless things.

How to get to a job, whether or not i'll drive there or walk if its possible. My dad has a new job so not much flexibility with transport. License. I cant  think ablut the future or present. Money money never going to afford a house dont want a house dont want any option.

I'm not capable or willing to do any buisness related thing. My Dad brought up online courses but I have no idea. My parents overestimate what Im capable of doing. I dont like thinking about it but dont know what to do next. Going to blame myself when i make mistakes and its frustrating how things got this way. Head wont shut up.

I dont enjoy being at home but moving out wont be enjoyable. Nothing enjoyable, at best its just distractions. At worse its too much thinking.

I struggle to express how frustrating communicating things at home are. My parents wont listen to what i say about my sisters eating. All I can say that different people have different metabolism or eat differently but then the next time im talking to them seperarely theyll bring it up again. I cant communicate normally to them.

No more frogs left. Most escaped from the tub because there was a gap in the mesh lid. I let a couple go at the park and the rest in the garden. They probably got eaten by a lizard or someyhing. My mum tossed out a bucket with the last tadpole that was growing slower than the rest. It would be nice if my things didnt get touched on her whim but cant communicate to her. I was frustrated but getting angry bout it would be pointless a accept thats how my mum is. My brother was pissy about it for a bit and my dad got mad and home was frustrating for a bit resulting. Was more annoyed how mum kept bringing up how she was sorry than the tossing of tadpole. I already forgave and forget but keepijg bringing it up was annoying but thats how family is. Everyobe fed up with mum movojg things unpromted, but she doesnt learn and even if i forgive abd accept dpesnt mean eceryobe else does.

[geelt]

Seeing GP on the phone tomorrow, would like to go in person, but my dad has work and I dont want him to cancel just to take me there. I also need to return a computer I borrowed from the university so I will wait and see when I can go to an appointment when dad is free.

Dad made room for exercise equipment again and I was doing it every 2nd day to give time to rest. Then my mum wanted dad to move plants out of house how the area is slightly more crowded and I was frustrated at the time but cant do anything about it, was a luxury for me having a space to do abything in the back yard and appreicate dad doing it in the first plce it was collecting dust without. Feel indifferent to doing it, bareable when i listen to audiobooks. I want to do something. I hate mydelf for not wanting to do anything proeuctive anything to generqte income mon3y money money money money would worry less how i spebe money if i had a job  and be a paet of the economy because all value derived how i can spend make money.

Everything costs money. Thinking of buying a new computer monitor. Could uae that money on more important things. Coupd pay for 1 driving lesson or start paying to see a psychologist. Not like i can do anything about how the world works. Dont love laying in bed scrolling through phone but its relatively consistent and dont need to think which is only making it harder for me to be productive and stop bad habits.

My table was warped so i took ot off my desk now i have no desk and room more crowded. I know I spend too much time in my room but nowhere else to exist. I need a job or commitmebt dont wabt to ve a leech on centrelink. Scared of making mistakes scared of hating mysrlf for making mistakes. Scared of lookong like an idiot to strangers stupid irrational fears. Easy to make excuses.

People affected by the floods but im being the one complaining. I dont even have the right to feel bad avout myeelf i have a place to live food to eat yet i waste it doing nothing.

Dont want to do any hobbies because i will try thinking how i can make money from it. No i cant make money doing stupid hobby i will get money by getting a job and working for somebosy becuse i dobt need to do any risks.

I cant rhink of doing anything without wanting to cry and cry and regret then not be capable of doinf anything. Just a bumbling useless mess for a couple hours. I need something to distract myself i hate thinking

[geelt]

I am so stuborn so frustrating to work with. My GPs trying to help but I keep refusing all the options. Do i get cebtrelink mental health support, or see anothet place pr go vack to the placw that made me go to the hospital. I dont want to get my parebts involved but i cant get there any way else.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Geelt,

We can hear you're having a really difficult time, and we're sorry it's been quite challenging getting support. If you'd like to give our counsellors a call to talk through your next steps in getting help, please know that we're here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636.

There's also our friends over at KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer: 

• Beyond Blue 
• Kids Helpline 
• Headspace (9am-1am AEST) 

We can hear you're feelign frustrated at yourself. We know it's not easy, but we want to encourage you to be kind to yourself. It takes a lot of resilience and strength to reach out, both here and with the GP, we hope you can see that and feel some pride. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M 

[tranzcrybe]

What use is getting a job?

This seems to be your stumbling block. Is it all about making money? I don't think so...

As a young person starting out, I pursued my passion as a career - had no money to actually run it, but I took on some of the most miserable jobs to cover all the bills coming in.

One job was selling magazines and newspapers in a railway kiosk - eek!
Getting up before the birds to stock the shelves, and prepare for the whirlwind of commuters rushing through on their way to work, school, wherever, really opened my eyes to the lives of others - the shift worker, teacher, student - always had a smile or a friendly word (hey, I was even starting to speak Greek from the regular 'lessons' by a charming gent who would kindly correct my mispronunciations when greeting him in his own tongue!).

What I am getting at is that while the 'work' was pretty awful, the experience taught me a lot about myself and how connected we are to everybody else in some way; and in some small way we can all help to brighten each other's lives - even when performing some of the most mundane tasks.

So my business expenses were met with a little help from very early mornings, but my emotional expenses received the greatest payment - possibly carrying through to how I ran my own business and ultimately treated staff and clients.

No, it's never been about money - things work themselves out eventually.