Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

[geelt]

Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.

[geelt]

Hi Isabella,

Your writing has helped untangle the things I've been struggling to put into words. All of my anxieties and thoughts made more concise and easier to digest.

I guess being alone with my thoughts gives a lot of time for self reflection. The constant thought of being judged ends up with me being the most judgmental on myself.

My mind has been too used to just being able to do things, and the constant comparison with my past self doesn't help either. The constant expectation of predictability has made me a lot less flexible. I've never been challenged until now.

With lots of information at our fingertips, it makes it harder to accept that doing things optimally isn't always possible. There was never any clear cut, one size fits all answer for the things that really matter. The realization that, no matter how well informed I can be, the world doesn't work like that, no matter how much everything tries to be pin point and on schedule.

It's unlikely that my mind will be 100% the way it used to, but I have to live with it regardless. Trying to unjumble my mind as it constantly reforms back is something that won't end, just hope I can find support that will help alleviate and make some of these changes keep up with it.

Thanks for showing kindness in your response.

[geelt]

Hi Here2Talk,

Thanks for replying,

Is there any tips to stop picturising the affects of your worries that you've found helpful? I find myself constantly worrying about the effects of my bad posture and constant sedentary lifestyle, dreading the lingering pain and/or surgery needed. Thinking how my skeleton and spine just stops me from actually doing anything to prevent these problems from happening in the first place. Whenever my back or joints crack I'm always imagining my body slowly deteriorating, probably more than it should be realistically. Just seeing the complications when looking up how/why it happens prevents me from actually doing any more reading on it.

Its so frustrating sliding from wanting to be healthy but not wanting to exist either, isn't it. It's contradictory with the worst parts of both sides.

Any help is appreciated but not required if you can't come up with anything, thanks. No pressure.

[geelt]

im sorry if i said anything dumb or stupid or weird or stupid or wrong.

i dont know what to do.

I need to tell my parents about my problems properly but it wont do anything to help. I don't know what to do to help. When I go to the psychiatrist they tell me to bring my parents in which isnt an option then when my brain stops working they wrap it up then I have to wait another couple weeks.

I dont know what to tell my mum. It wont change anything, it wont magically make me figure out what I want to do. Im just putting too much pressure on myself but thats just because I have to be alive. I dont want to think. they dont even know anything about the medication they're prescribing me. im stupid. I need to tell my mum but it wont do anything. pressure and stress just get replaced. i dont want to get my parents involved in my treatment so they just drop getting treatment all together. they will just make it worse, they dont know how to help and cant learn how to and I dont want to burden them with it. they've spent their whole lives miserable and I cant even handle a stupid 20 years.

nobody knows where anything is and I have to stress that they dont need to help me look for anything and its so frustrating because they wont listen. theres nothing i can do about it because people dont change. i need to change. i dont want to deal with my parents 20 plus years of unhappiness together i dont want to deal with their problems.

i hate the stupid bird stupid pet nobody wants stupid animal

cant get myself to go for walk anymore cant get myself to do stretches

just going to stop after it becomes somewhat of a habit and hate myself again when i relapse because im not getting help for form structure to better my life

going to cut ties with the online friends i dont want to talk to anymore because i dont want to remember the past me

i want to tell my parents im having problem with life study what to do with my life but they will say just do what you want always talk to their friend family how luky we they are have good kids can choose what they want do i dont know what do. i dont know how to talk to them properly because whole family a mess. no opportunity go talk them
i dont want to exist in the first plaece

[Sophie_M]

Hey geelt, Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. We're so sorry you're feeling alone in your situation and unsupported by your family and online friends. The path to recovery isn't linear and there are many, many times when we feel like we're back up against the same hurdles. We can hear your frustration but we also applaud your courage to keep going. It's hard when it feels like our family can't understand us. Have you tried explaining to your therapist your reasons for not involving your family in your therapy sessions?

We've reached out to you to offer extra support and also want to reiterate that there is always support available. If things are feeling too much tonight, please give us a ring. So we can help to keep your safe. There are also a few other phone and web services that could be of help:

Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline (for ages between 5 and 25) 1800 551 800

If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Please keep sharing how you're feeling, whenever you feel up to it.

[geelt]

I just need to let some feelings that I've been bottling out.

I am not good at maintaining relationships with people, just let my friendships deteriorate over the years. Made some friends on some online game when I started uni, before everything fell apart in my life. The game shut down last year and I haven't kept in contact with most of them. Everybody has probably moved on now, I'm still stuck thinking about the past. I'm just overreacting and being dramatic.

I'm a sentimental and sensitive person when it comes to these kinds of things. The idea of things being gone forever is something that always fills me with dread. I always cling to the hope that maybe someone will try contacting me again but I didn't have anything else in common with them besides that game and now that its gone I can't try to salvage the failed friendships. The more I dwell on it the more obsessed I see myself getting. I just let friendships be a disposable thing. It isnt anybodies fault but I cant help but blame myself for not doing a better job. I'm too much of an emotional mental mess and end up pushing everyone away. I hate myself for things I did. Felt like i was trying to guilt trip people, I did guilt trip people. I'm a despicable person but at least im aware of it.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with saving things. I was scared of my parents dying so I wanted to record their voices. I would try to save every strand of thread that fell off my clothes and cry when they got washed down the drain. I had a giant pile of garbage I didn't want to part with. I've fortunatrly grown out of these bad habits but still tend to obsess myself eith the basic idea, not wanting to lose things. I already know its a part of life. Its probably what made me so much of a control freak and not wanting to regret things. I dwell too much on the past.

Im finally going to be able to delete my discord account thats my last connection to these people. always end up stopping the 14 day deletion wait before its up. only used it for that in the first place. best to get rid of all the physical memories i can access

I don't have anybody else I can say this to besides the forum.

I know that this isnt going to fix my life whatsover or get me on the right track of life. Just temporary sense of like im doing something.

Still need to do a lot to fix my life. I dont know what to do. Hesitant to change. stupid. I know i cant handle life challanges, too sensitive too emotional stupid

Sorry for posting this here

[geelt]

Hi Sophie,

I tried explaining it to him, but couldn't find the right words to explain it to him. He just dropped it and moved on with the session. I don't think he understood what I was trying to say. I know my parents will try to help but there isn't anything they can do to support me, whether it be emotionally or physically. They provided me with opportunities for education, food and a place to live and I appreicate and love them but we have always been detached emotionally because of the language barrier. We love eachother. I don't want them to feel bad for not being able to help.

I'm just using my parents as an excuse to not do anything proactive.

Can't get a job because I they kept trying to help prepare things for my brother when he had a job. The only way to get them to stop is to get angry and yell at them but that will make me feel like garbage. I need my license to drive

They want do thing to help but overbearing but they dont mean any harm it just feels suffocating when you want to be on your own.

thinking about work just stresses me out, a lot to stress about. Can't avoid it forever but thinking about my parents injecting themselves into everything i do they can help with just makes me frustrated. no dont mean no unless you get angry but if i get angry i cant do anything and they feel hurt i dont want to see them hurt i already done hurting them enough im a bad son.

too many underlying problems in house that only ignoring and running away from them is all you can do. even food is a house of cards lots of arguing cant plan things so frustrating. being in charge of my own food is nice but more seperate meals to fill fridge mrre complaining. no communication, cant things too out of hand. i cant take charge of chang when nobost wants to change easier to argue and move on when dust seettles.

or is it. lifetime living in family is not prone to misunderstanding but is the experiene not how it is after seeing same problem happen and hearing from all sides

i cant know

better not stress over it but nothing will cchange

i can spend hours typing nonesense but cant sit down and do learning employablr skilld i hate myself

[Isabella_]

Hey, please don't apologise. This is the right place to get things out.

How would you feel about writing a letter to your parents? Even if you don't hand it to them, maybe writing down the things you want to tell them in a logical way may help order things in your mind. I can see that you're trying to do that here but you're feeling emotional, and that's okay. I understand that verbally sharing things is difficult because emotions get in the way, you may not get out everything that you need to say, and like you said, it would likely turn into an argument.

I don't think anyone can promise that your parents or your psychiatrist will be understanding of everything you're saying. But it sounds like telling them how you really feel is necessary for your growth, and articulating yourself as best as you can. As I said previously, you do have a great capacity to self reflect and articulate yourself well, and I can see where your emotions take over in your writing. Perhaps knowing that you've taken the time to collect your thoughts and feelings and organise them as best as possible is the best you can do. You might find that your writing will flow, your emotions will become too strong and you'll have to stop. It could take a while for you to really logically put your thoughts together in a manner that will be productive for people to help you, and so that you don't have the frustration of no one understanding.

Again, I'm coming from a place where I think there's a lot of barriers for you being truely genuine to the people around you. And maybe that's a goal for you that you can take time to work on. Writing for me is much easier than speaking aloud.. I find my mind goes blank when I'm asked questions about vulnerable things, and again I think it's an emotional block where your mind is trying to protect you and stop you from being vulnerable.

And for what it's worth, I don't think you're using your parents as an excuse for not being proactive. From your previous posts it's been clear from the start that you've felt they've been a barrier for your growth and that you wished they would be more understanding. And that's completely understandable.. Please don't be hard on yourself or dismiss your struggles, these don't sound like excuses to me.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Geelt, sorry I must have missed your reply to me with other ones that popped up.

it’s a terribly difficult business stopping worries isn’t it. I have honestly been worrying most of my life... I think I remember the first beginnings of it when I was about six years old and I thought about what would happen when I die..... around a similar time I started noticing thoughts such as nobody likes me etc.... I could never make friends right from primary school onwards... I think looking back now the constant worry prevented me from a lot of things... I will write more as the day goes on- I’m at stupid work now with a couple minutes left of my break and so better go... i still have thoughts a lot like your big messages previously here - not quite as distressed as yours but still picturing bad things ... I will reply soon...

[Here2Talk]

I’d just like to ask first do you have any injuries /musculoskeletal problems, or is that one of the things that you worry about?

and what is the language barrier you speak of, if you don’t mind elaborating?

[geelt]

Hi Isabella_,

I think writing out what I want to tell my parents is a good idea. I can't just keep everything in my mind and it would give me something to do.

It feels like there's a block whenever I try speaking, the fear and anxiety makes it hard to physically get my vocal cords moving. Writing/typing lets my mind release whatever it wants with no filter. Developed a lot of barriers that stop me from doing what I need to, I need to slowly work on breaking through it all when I just want it to go away instantly.

There is a lot of anxiety and an unproductive mindset that has developed over these years. I can't see growth or change as a good thing even though it isn't as bad as it seems. No positive outlook. Taking life too seriously when it isn't worth the stress. Its easier said than done, I know.

I need to start making my own decisions and live my own life, which is easier said and done because of little/no experience. Its easier to blame myself than to be positive, too used to negative thinking and putting myself own to justify things.