Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

[geelt]

Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi geelt,
That's quite an insightful evaluation of your current situation. Why not print it and give to your psych?
Anyway, for what it's worth, I have pulled out some comments you made to respond to...

1."don't like anything about life"
=> perhaps; up until now anyway

2."isnt anything that the psychiatrist can do to help"
=> they can help you discover yourself

3."Nobody can give me reason but me"
=> true, but psych can walk you through this process

4."Even if I do say what is on my mind it doesn't make a difference because its things that are uncontrollable"
=> but you can find a compromise/niche that makes it workable

5."having to convince myself I am happy"
=> no reason to do this - you are or you are not, and both are valid emotional states

6."I made the mistake of existing"
=> it wasn't your choice in the first place

7."I'm letting myself not do anything and using my parents as a scapegoat"
=> a mature response, yes we tend to blame others at times

8."I will need to make sure I have enough money to afford being alive"
=> we don't need much to live day to day

9."I need to do something and hope that along the lines I will have a revelation or some event that changes my life and frees me from the preconceived path I have decided for myself"
=> very profound, there are events that can turn our lives around - some quite insignificant in themselves which lead to great change

10."I am not a good person so I will suffer until I die"
=> rubbish

11."Since life does not have an end goal or any meaning or answer...the inability to find meaning or joy falls entirely on me"
=> you won't realise this until you get there, and the course of life constantly presents opportunities

12."My main fault is wanting predictability in life... I have a bad habit of thinking there is a concrete solution"
=> yes, you are a bit of a control freak...

13."I wont magically learn how to do anything"
=> for some things you will

14."I am just pathetic"
=> aren't we all? Nobody is perfect

15."tried drawing again" - Frustration, despair, anger, too much thinking"
=> free drawing is a worthwhile pursuit - was this your initial motivation before it became technical?

[geelt]

hello d'n'g

I was studying design, spent more time worrying about studying than actually studying at this point. Only completed a single trimester compared to whatever you would call what I spent the past 3 years doing. Avoiding my problems? Not being able to confront my problems? Loathing my life?

I dont know what I need to do.

After the constant back and forth with myself, I was probably destined to fail no matter what I ended up studying. If my constant worrying and anxieties about the future and the uncontrollable leaves me an emotional wreck, then me graduating is a lost cause. Spent all this time in denial, thinking I could still continue with my course. It's laughable. The only time when my mind is clear is when its all over.

Any chance for me to get formal education outside of school is over for now. Until I can manage everything but who knows how long it will take.

I'm going to have to tell my parents properly and then break down whenever it gets brought up again. I'm pathetic.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm in no right place of mind to get any job. I dont want to do nothing.

I'm tired of the constant cycle of panicking and anxiety and dread and hopelessness and frustration with everything then the trying to do something, anything to finally move on and improve my life only to do nothing with it then going back to the frustration.

I eneded up writing more than I was going to.

im not going to change and its annoying how stubborn I am

[Sophie_M]

Hey geelt,

Reading your post, it sounds like things have gotten really overwhelming and it’s becoming hard to manage these feelings by yourself. You said that talking doesn’t help- since you’ve been willing to share your feelings here, we’d really like you to try talking to us about this, at least for a little while, to offer some support.
 
If things are feeling too much tonight, please give us a ring. So we can help to keep your safe. There are also a few other phone and web services that could be of help:

Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline (for ages between 5 and 25) 1800 551 800

If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
 

[geelt]

Hello tranzcrybe,

Appreciate you taking the time to respond with your own input on my ramblings.

I was going to write something in response but my mind blanked. I have not been able to sleep so my mental capacity is lacking. After stewing with intrusive thoughts I was able to make some reply but now I dont know.

finally able to escape the tunnel vision but it isnt enough to make an impact. without all the hubbub that made me spew all the paragraphs I still dont wish to exist.

Making meaningful connections with people is difficult and there is no substitute that isnt lacking. I never 'fit in' in life. I dont want to deal with it.

sleep anxiety led to health anxiety that led to posture and exercise anxiety that led to health anxiety that led to existential crisis that led to a cycle of anxiety and dumb. Too much to think about and im not going to do anything to fix it. too much to fix and i cant tackle it all at once. the more i learn about things the more there is to think and worry about. the only time i can give up on my life is when im dead. thats annoying

Just having somebody reply is helpful.

[Guest9337]

I have two additional replies for you then geelt young buddy!

1. You are good and thus you suffer. Eventually you will figure out your goodness and that'll feel good when you are doing good things.

2. If we just put away any concepts of formal study, or learning, or all the other ways of going forward. What can you do today that is better than despair and darkness and rumination?

What good actions can u do now?

Plant a garden, rip out useless grass that needs to be mown, and grow food u can eat. I politely suggest you try it for a while.

[Isabella_]

One thing I've noticed while reading your responses Geelt is how analytical you are on your thoughts/feelings/behaviours.. the reasons behind why you do things, your fears, the things holding you back, and the beliefs you have about yourself. You have a great capacity for self awareness and knowing some of the things you need to do to get better, but the depression comes in and makes you justify to yourself that you're undeserving, destined to fail.. many self sabotaging beliefs that you've mentioned. And they are very real and I can see it.

There's a constant battle between your logical mind and emotional world. You mentioned that you desire predictability.. and I think that's exactly how depression operates. When you're drawing and start to feel that weight in your stomach or in your chest, the depression immediately puts a logical meaning to that emotion.. eg. that you're bad, that you should just give up, so on. Depression makes us sabotage ourselves, while making us believe that unhappiness is deserved because we aren't worthy, good enough. And those beliefs make us give up, lose hope.

There's comfort in predictability and extreme discomfort in doing things to get better because it's risky to put in effort and not get the results you want, and the depression ends up reaffirming the sense of failure by calling you pathetic for trying.

Resilience is so hard to learn.. Learning to view your self sabotaging thoughts as simply thoughts, not facts.. because overtime it's an engrained pattern of thinking when anything minor happens. It's really hard. And finding the strength and ability to do that has no simple solution, but I know it's possible.. I think it looks different person to person.

From what I've read from your posts, you know some of the answers to what you need/want and the goals you have. You deserve to not have the debilitating thoughts and pain that is preventing you. The beliefs you have about yourself are simply thoughts and beliefs.. we seem to find the evidence to convince ourselves that they're facts. But these thoughts can be changed, our thoughts are everything, more so than our circumstances to a degree.

[tranzcrybe]

Hey, no worries geelt. The way I see it is you just want to talk to someone without fear of reprisals. Happy to oblige - rambling or otherwise, it's all good.
Meaningful connections are not made but formed through interaction - and often through the hard times when someone needs a hand. It has little to do with 'fitting in' and in so many ways there is no capacity to predict or control it. When in its purest form, even anxiety takes a back seat. Nothing happens until it does - you either respond or your don't.
I really want to see you get through this so write whenever you feel up to it, but for now get some rest and take care of yourself.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Geelt,

i can identify with a lot of what you have discussed - I have had health, sleep, social and existential anxiety. I have experienced these things since I was about nine years old, and coping has been a constant roller coaster and struggle between the worry of existing and and fear of not existing...

not saying that this has been the same but if any of it is, and you’d like to chat, I’d be glad.l so let me know.

take care

[Guest9337]

Afternoon geelt, how goes today matey?

I have had yet another sleepless night right to yet more powerful people who give me the standard "no reply" tactic. They are boring people too busy to care for anyone except, well do politicians care for anyone at all?

[geelt]

Hi D'n'G,

Thanks for the replies, I've been alright today, just taking it easy and not doing much. It's so irritating trying to sleep and how much it ties to the general tone of your day. If only falling asleep was as easy as closing your eyes.

There is a lot I could/should be doing but I just need to set the foundation and get into the habit of doing them first. Some stretches when I can and getting some exercise is better than doing none at all. Need to get back into things after taking my new medication.

Unfortunately growing my own garden isn't an option. The backyard is too cramped with my Dad's plants, barely any room to walk about as is. Not even any room for weeds to grow. It feels like I'm just making excuses again. Looking at all the mess gives me a headache.

Hope you're able to get some sleep in the upcoming days.