Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

geelt · ‎20-07-2021

Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.

geelt · ‎07-10-2021

Saw a new psychiatrist on the 5th. Psychology clinic has a long waiting list. I don't want to see anybody anymore, not going to change or help anything. Just answer the same question then get told to wait then wait and wait then refer to someone else. Nobody actually cares, nobody is obligated to do anything to help. I'm just going to keep falling further and further until I regret more and more. Just using waiting to justify inaction. Wanting to change wont change anything just stupid. Wasting money on medication and transport. Life isn't going to get any better.

Tried reconnecting with online friends. Rather not try if I cant think of any way to converse. Being alone isn't nice but its predictable and easier.

I don't want to feel alone when I'm at my worst but posting anything wont help and just makes me feel worse afterwards. I want to be acknowledged stuopid strupid not even trying anything. Dont want to exist in the first plae. Anything to do with life makes me want to scream. 'm not cut out for life but dont have any alternative. Just in limbo ignoring my problems.

Just want to talk to someone without feeling superfiual and empty afterwards. Don't want stupid unsocial loser no life stupid. just want to be alone. Communicate what stupid. i hate problems i hate problems i hate lying stupid,

dont tell me to call a help line.

So difficult. I dont like talking to my parents. Just makes me feel dread about my future. I cant help them with any of their probnlems. Just dysfunctional family that isnt going to change.

JUSst want to cut all ties and move out but thats running away frim it.

nothing will make me feel hopeful about the future, near or far away. I HNEED TO BE HIOOTE Hopefyl if i stupid if i am going to do anything. thinking about lighting stupid light event stupid conflit stupid hate light hate sound hate noise hate talking tio anybody forming own opnions stupd money stupid. NOT LIKR I AN CHANGE HOW THE WORLD WORKS TOO COMPlicated stupid shut up stupid spen d another 24 hours in doors like idiot. i just want it to feel like somrthing

Sophie_M · ‎07-10-2021

Hi Geelt,

We can hear how difficult and frustrating this must be, and we are reaching out to you privately to offer our support. We are here for you 24/7, and oyu can reach us directly on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat, and there's also our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

We know you're not feeling supported at the moment, but we really urge you to keep reaching out. It shows incredible resilience and bravery to have shared this here, and we hope you can feel some pride and strength in that. This community is here for you, and will have as much kindness and understanding as you need, we hope there's comfort in that.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Isabella_ · ‎07-10-2021

Hi there.

I know that you've been constantly put on wait lists, have waited for support to contact you, and have had some bad experience with mental health services. I can see that it's incredibly frustrating and I understand how that has made you lose hope in getting help from professionals.

You mentioned that you've been referred once again.. perhaps this is because the psychiatrist you are seeing has referred you to someone who is more equipped and able to give you the right help you need based on who you are and your circumstances. I know it doesn't make the waiting any easier, and it isn't fair.

Never the less, I'm really happy to hear that you're still reaching out. You haven't been on here in a while, how have you been feeling over the past month? Do you find yourself wavering in and out of low points?

Never give up hope, I see strength in you to better yourself and to feel better, and I know that you really want that. I really hope that you get the support you've been seeking soon to help you through these steps.

I can't force you to use a helpline or any kind of service.. But you know where to find them if you feel you need them.

geelt · ‎08-10-2021

Hello,

Thanks for the replies.

My initial psychiatrist didn't refer me to the place I saw, I just didn't want to see them anymore. I didn't like that psychiatrist, just talking to them rubbed me the wrong. Didn't feel that they were taking what I said seriously. I can't blame them when they have other patients they are seeing in conjunction. Planning out to see them only to just be read a transcript from my first appointment for half the time then being told things I already know without actually adressing any of the problems I've been trying to say just then being treated like I'm being uncooperative when they literally didn't do anything to help just made me want to scream. I don't want to be told that I "need to find something I want to study" after trying to explain that I can't figure out whether or not I want to keep studying and that I cannot think of anything I want to do and that is making me feel hopeless and frustrated. There isn't anything that will help me decide, I've realised that long ago.

Only seeing this new psychiatrist because the psychologist had a long waiting time and I want to do something in the meantime but being told i need to do something without actually being told what to do is just a waste of time. Can't shake the feeling that nobody in the mental health occupation actually cares about my problems. From the way that they talk or act without any hint of caring, just like they are just reading a script, then being told I need to trust them when all they are going to do is tell me to take a new medication then do nothing and act puzzled when nothing changes.

Just don't want to deal with any of this when there isn't anything to look forwards to. Only thing with any semblance to a reason to get better is that I want nothing to do with seeing anybody in the mental health occupation again.

Everything costs money. I have to be happy with me choices like I wanted to do anything in the first place and it all wasn't just forced on me just because I exist. If anything goes wrong because I trust someone its just my fault in the end.

I don't have any hope. I just don't want to be complacent. Feeling ashamed and self hating is the only thing stopping me from being a bad person who is leeching off of the world unaware of how bad I am.

Just been distracting myself since I last posted here. Thinking about problems wont fix them but doing nothing does nothing. I WANT TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO TO HELP MYSELF. IWAN T support but thatg wont happen

tranzcrybe · ‎09-10-2021

Much as you need to understand and find some common ground with your therapist, it is probable that a good psych will make no assumptions (even with the notes), but will also avoid trying to influence or lead you in any particular direction.
Making you feel comfortable and supported, oddly enough, isn't their role, but they certainly want to hear and learn everything about you to devise a plan for your recovery.
I like how you express yourself on this thread - your feelings are presented in real time. I'm wondering if you might withhold too much of this trait when in sessions, particularly when hearing something you find pointless or irritating. If you feel like screaming, I'd suggest you do just that. Be honest with your observations - it is all part of your character and needs voicing. I think you may be a bit reserved or analytical which could present as contrived (prompting your suspicion that you are not taken seriously).
You mentioned how your mind races ahead to the 'end game' (as you have done again today) - speak from the heart but don't preempt the outcome.
"I want nothing to do with seeing anybody in the mental health occupation again" - great incentive to get this sorted, but do make the most of this opportunity!

geelt · ‎10-10-2021

I never bring up anything because my mind is always empty when im overwhelmed and frustrated. I get set off by any little thing and it takes takes up all my energy to hold it together. There is a lot I need to say and get help with but it never goes anywhere. When I try bringing up any problems it just goes in circles.

My main issues would be that I just don't like anything about life and am not hopeful about my future. There isnt anything that the psychiatrist can do to help so I just do nothing until the next appointment when the same thing happens. I HAVE to know exactly what will help me because they wont, but it all just goes back to suicide and not wanting to be alive.

I can't see anything that can change my outlook on life and I desperately need something to get me out of this rut, but when everything about life puts me off wanting to live I just make it harder for myself. Nobody can give me reason but me. I know that, but if that is what it takes I just want to not exist. Life is just frustrating. It just feels like banging my head on a wall for the rest of my life. I can't get anybody to help change my outlook because there isn't any way for someone to just help slowly change my mindset. Psychiatrists or psychologists wont, nobody will. I know I wont change my mind by myself. Then whats the point of being told that there is help available when there isnt anything to help where it is needed. It just feels like bandaid superfical help that falls apart in practice. Any coping mechanism I try learning just becomes more reason to hate myself.

Even if I do say what is on my mind it doesn't make a difference because its things that are uncontrollable. If I say I hate the idea of working the rest of my life, its not like I have a choice. I hate having to think about any part of life. Dont want rent bills insurance ownership of anything nothing will change anything. If feeling any emotion just fills me with dread and exasperation I am going to be miserable for the rest of my life. If I can't face or run away or confront or grow from my problems then what.

If i have to overcome the dread of a pointless life so I can live a pointless life while having to convince myself I am happy when I know I will just break down. And because this is my mindset, all the misfortune and misery is my comeuppance because I made the mistake of existing.

The present and the future isn't that hopeful. I need to constantly move to be happy so I am going to dwell in my bad choice

Sophie_M · ‎10-10-2021

Hi Geelt,

Thank you for writing on here tonight and letting us know how things have been for you recently. It’s really great to your persistence and your ability to articulate your feelings. Things seem be quite difficult for you at the moment, but you are continuing to seek help and answers. We will be reaching out to you privately as well to see if you need any additional support.

If you ever feel like things are getting overwhelming or you may act upon some of these thoughts that you have been having, we encourage you to reach out for support. Even just to talk to someone about how you’ve been feeling. Our friends at kids helpline are a great option for support for young persons. You can contact them here at 1800 55 1800 or on their webchat here https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling - Both services are 24/7.

Otherwise our Beyond Blue Support Service are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport .

We appreciate you and we hope you keep us updated as to how you are doing in the near future.

geelt · ‎10-10-2021

I just want to cut all ties with my parents and move out of home. I'm letting myself not do anything and using my parents as a scapegoat for why I cant do anything. If keeping in contact and not are going to lead to the same outcome I should chose the option where I am the only one responsible for my life. I will need to get a low entry job with little to no experience or skills required because I already know I am not capable of doing any better. If I was then I could stick through anything but no I choose the easiest way with the lowest risk and lowest reward. No matter what I study I wont learn any of the skills needed to be successful so why stress myself doing the impossible. The only way I can learn is through exposure. I will have to put up with everything I dislike about life, having to put a facade up, having to fake interst in things. Either that or dont bother forming any social bonds beause they make me unhappy, not that I hate people or anthing I just am incapable of maintaining any social thing. Loneliness is a big issue in the world now and being miserable wont get me anywhere. Only when I am a lone are things more predictable. Long periods in isolation and forced interations with people will do bad things to my mental health but there isnt any support avaliable that can stop this. I will just have to keep living life miserable looking for any distractions from existence. I will need to make sure I have enouigh money to afford being alive, which is easy when I rid myself of any responsibilies and relationships with people. I will live a miserable life this way but I need to do soemthing and hope that a long the lines I will have a revalation or some event that changes my life and frees me from the preconcieved path I have decided for mtseldf. At this point if things dont get better I will get closer and closer to suicide and the independance opens up more options. No mental help will change how I feel when the only thing I can change is myself and external factors only make me miserable and I am unable to stifle and let go of the meaningless frustration. I am not a good person so I will suffer until I die. By not taking risks I will not grow as a person and I will sabotage my future. Since life does not have an end goal or any meaning or answer it isnt wrong to just make it go by as quick as possible. Since life was a long series of coincidences my unhappiness is meaningless and the inability to find meaning or joy falls entirely on me 🙂

geelt · ‎11-10-2021

Any motivation or drive to change wont happen by waiting an doing nothing. My main fault is wanting predictability in life. I cannot deal with the unexpected and have trouble getting myself to be in the right place to recieve help that will change how my mind is. Make the gears in my head move properly.

I've tried calling helplines but I just end up a sobbing mess while having to try remain quiet while i want to explode. Being told I need to change isnt enoigh to get me to change.

There are too many bad influences that are easily avaliable to distract and mess up my mind and I dont know what is right or not. TOo many distractions then trying to justify whether or not it is actually how It is or just me wanting to make an easy decision to temporarily feel better without actuially doing antyhing.

USing distractions to forget about any problems. I have played video games but would not call myself addicted to them. I dont identify as a 'gamer' or someone who s necessarily interested in games as a whole. Just looking for something to pass the time and distract myself. Games have never gotten in the way of my studies, I believe. I am more addicted to anything that distracts my mind. mindlessly consuming and distracting my mind on anything because I dcant bare with my shortcomings. Web novels, games designed to become a daily routine. Jus looking for something that isnt taxing on my brain that I can do daily to form any semblance to a routine. Im a bad person.

I have a bad habit of thinking there is a concrete solution, a right or wrong way to do things. I can understand that the world isnt black and white, but am unable to act on the suitable thing to do. I wont magically learn how to do anthing. I am just pathetic, no need to sugarcoat it. I understand my inabilty to perservere and be persistant is pathetic. I am ashamed with myself but that isnt an exuse to do nothing. I need to do somehing.

Trying to do things I jusd used to enjoy tried drawing again but its so hard to explain what goes in my head.

Frustration, despair, anger, too much thinking. Its not enjoyable. Its not a type of growth with any satisfaction. It just feels pointless. You should at least enjoy somrthing if you want it to be a hobby. I cant explain it properly why I dont want to draw anympore. It just feels why. I am not expecting to be good at it without practising. The constant thinking while drawing just makes me spiral down into a panic attack. Unhappy unsatisfied no matter what. no

Guest9337 · ‎11-10-2021

gday geelt,

thank you for writing your feelings with such heart felt accuracy. I feel i know you somewhat just by reading your posts.

one tactic some people utilise is to do what is necessary no matter what emotions they feel. I am writing to you whilst my tears are drying on my face, i am in midst of an anxiety event... but i can still write to you.

i note you are a student, may you please tell me your study topics, i like to know such things for I am a qualified educator.

love dng.