Frightened

[Scared]

Hi Im 61   Im beyond tired of doctors and dealing with people who dont have depression. I live in a windowless room slowly going under. I want to go out onto the street and call out help me please

Im so afraid if I look to deep at my reality I wont be able to handle it.

I had depression and anxiety for years , been hospitalised and all the usual ups and downs.  But this time is different like I dodged too many bullets and this time I wont get out of this living hell. So only suicide is left. I mean I really cant see things changing. I was desperate to stop this downhill spiral that I thought if I get a job that will save me. But now Im too sick to go to work and the new employer doesnt understand where I am and why. I now getting anxiety about that

I feel like screaming help or at least please understand me. I feel I can only relate to others with depression

[Scared]

Thank you again Indigo and Croix for keeping these posts live.

I noticed other than you two , others dont reply and they dont need to as far as im concerned.  I understand pain and suffering is often a one way street.  
I used to work on lifeline phones in another life and I understand people.

It is very true we all handle grief and mental illness differently.  But what is always the same is the suffering and that is the common link to be able to talk to others. They may do and think differently to another but deeper than that is where common ground is found.  I stopped doing lifeline because it became unhealthy for me.  I havnt used these skills on here as I have only talked from my gut level.  I get where people are at and their hopelessness at the time.  There have been a few posts I read where I would not reply as their situation is beyond my words and I know that only time can help them..  These very heavy posts i read have enough people replying as is and I believe they havnt even begun to grieve yet.  Im not saying Im right.  In one post I would have only said " what an unsupporting bi$c$ "  Sometimes negative talk is the only thing you can say to support the person and show you can really hear them to validate them.

In short I found to be an effective counsellor you cant without getting a bit dirty at times.  The person who post that didnt use the word bi$ch but its what they need to hear if you want someone to know you heard them.

I came under review at lifeline because I made clients laugh whether it was suicide or breakups .  I was reported and when asked how I was able to get every callers details and logged them I responded by saying I asked as per guidelines suggest I do. I was told what great work Im doing by director.  But after learning even people at lifeline have motives of malice I quit.  I thought people who volunteer their time were angels but I learnt that this is not always true.

They tried hard to convince me to stay but I said only if the person who reported  me was sacked. Politics even at lifeline who would have thought.  Sorry i gone off the point i just realised.   

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

You can talk about what ever you wish, it helps Croix and I to understand you better.

The non response side is the hardest part of posting on the forums, I still find it difficult at times. And yes, the majority of people who volunteer their time and experience are genuinely interested in helping people, but there are also those who will do it for not so genuine reasons such as making themselves look good in the eyes of others for example. It is a pity that you had to deal with one of the latter kind at Lifeline, it seems politics is involved in far too many places it has no business being these days. I have seen your other post on Anxiety and am surprised you have not had replies there. I don't have a lot of experience with anxiety so I left that one for others input. Croix has experience in this area so you can still talk about it here if you wish.

Croix and I (also many others) are community champions, we have a lot of varied life experience and between all of us, we can cover most posts. It helps a great deal when members like yourself engage, sadly not all do.

I was wondering what resources you have looked into. For example, have you been in touch with Head to Heath? Or any other non profit organisations who offer support? This is not because I am being nosey, but because I am trying to think of ways to help and I don't want to suggest roads you have already gone down.

Take care,

indigo

[Scared]

I did an online course going by the name Mindspot recently.

For respite Im choosing to not think about the dire position im in.

I know this is avoidance but it the only tool that working.  
I had some success with deep breathing and meditation in past but talk therapy never helped me   Dont be worried about any suggestions to me.   I know we all tread carefully on here but loud footsteps are ok with me.

I replied to a couple people today and hope they can benefit.   But I need be careful not to go to deep with insights as I dont want beyond blue to become all I do.   Im sure by talking to you that you create a healthy balance. 
Im in Sydney and there is a warm breeze blowin in the wind.  Love Bob Dylan

So i go out now for walk before it gets dark

[Scared]

No I had never heard of head to health

I will google that when i get back

[indigo22]

Hi Scared,

I have a few things on this week so my communication may be a bit spotty but I will converse when able.

You mentioned a warm breeze in your last post, where I am it's been cold and very rough winds for a few days. It has finally calmed down thank goodness, I thought my house might get blown away 😅

Did you get a chance to look at Head to Health? If so, was there anything helpful there?

I see you got a response to your anxiety post, another member to communicate with which is great.

I appreciate that you don't want to spend all your time here, but I hope you are feeling less alone since you have been here.

Will talk again soon,

indigo

[Scared]

I did get a response

It funny how our illnesses all have unique manifestations in our body

I did look up head to health thank you

Im curious as to why I have never heard of them before.   Its not like I have not looked up mental health before.  I been having anger issues with people or friends rather who call and want to go for dinner.  Dinner costs $50 at the pub.   I cant afford their lifestyle and I told them so before.  Why  wont these people ever learn to listen.  What did god give us ears for if they wont use them.  Another thing is inviting me out where i need to be upbeat.   They wouldnt last a night living in what I have to.   This is why I isolate from friends.  I saw psychiatrist today and what I love about that is when I vent to him about dinner or expectations he has clinical answers to explain why I feel the way I do.  If my friends had their way I be spending $50 tonight then thursday another $50 for dinner again and it many miles away too.  I get livid actually that they cant even get out of their well to do lives and meet me where i am. 
I want to scream at them No no no.

We meet at local cheap cafe

These friends eat out all the time it seems.  I never order food because everything is $20 or more.  Im only getting sickness pension of $ 450 a week.  
Doctor give me new drug to calm me down

[indigo22]

Hi Scared,

Just wanted to check in with you to ask how things have been this past week.

I have been busy with a few things that needed my attention.

I agree, our constitutions are all unique and manifest illness is such different ways.

I was thinking about your situation with friends wanting to go out to eat. It can be frustrating trying to get people to understand that for some, eating out is not an option. I am on the DSP so I know how tight the budget can be. I was thinking what you could do instead is suggest that you all gather at one of their houses and all pitch in with the cooking of a lovely meal, it doesn't need to be at all fancy. I never eat out these days for a couple of reasons, I also can't afford to and I decided to become a vegan during covid and there are very few places that cater to vegans where I am so I just make everything myself. I don't really enjoy cooking so I keep it simple but tasty (soups, steamed veges, pastas, salads, etc). I wonder if you ever saw the movie "The Big Chill" where they put some music on and had a but of fun while everyone helped with the meal. I would do that myself except that my friends live hours away from where I live now.

Hope you are doing okay,

indigo

[Scared]

Hello Indigo

I was wondering where you been.

I imagined you were busy with work or something and I knew you would return when you ready.

Yes i know the movie Big chill

My friends are wealthy so money is not a big concern .  They often like to pay for me but it doesnt do my self esteem much good.   I feel like a little boy having mum and dad pay.  Being invited out for dinner is stressful for me.   Today i felt bleak as i now blocked my thai friend phone.  I was excited a little because it was her birthday last sunday.  On saturday i went a long way to send money so she could buy a birthday cake to celebrate.  She was angry again on sunday because i assume she has no money.  So i never got  to talk happy birthday talk with her.  She is increasingly taking her frustrations out on me so i have to block her phone now.  I dont feel appreciated the effort to send money so she can have cake on birthday

[Scared]

As for going out for dinner and when they pay I feel so uncomfortable with that.  So I buy a couple rounds of drinks so i dont feel as bad.

That costs $50 and if you had to pay for dinner on top of that it comes out at $ 75

[indigo22]

HI Scared,

I understand the discomfort of having someone pay for you. I have trouble with that myself, it makes me feel awkward. I think it largely has to do with having low self esteem about the situation you are in which is why I thought the idea of getting together and making a meal would be a better solution. It would also be less stressful because you would just be with friends. Would you consider making that suggestion to your friends, explaining that it would make you feel more comfortable? Perhaps you could even suggest that it be a regular thing, say once a month (or whatever suits).

I am sorry your birthday gift went unacknowledged, you try so hard to do things for her. I understand your feeling of being unappreciated.

I hope you are feeling a little less bleak today,

indigo