First time ECT by scrabbling

[Scrabbling]

Hi to all especially mmMeKitty, the  Pages here have  changed and I can no longer find our thread and I haven't got the tolerance to spend  hours on my phone, so I hope you see this.  as I said before the roller coaster has been at Full Speed and it finally came into the station which  is Ward and I had to make a decision. I cannot keep going the way I am and  the doctors have mentioned a few times in the last 6 months about ECT to be honest it absolutely bloody terrified me, I know we shouldn't assume but I think everyone  has seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!!! certainly didn't help people's perception. I have been drowning for a long time it's been like walking in a thick fog I was desensitized totally to life and unbearably sad and just wanted it all to stop, the staff here on ward have been fantastic and I had my first ECT yesterday I will be honest it wasn't a perfect run, my anxiety exploded as I am awful to cannulate at the best at times but when I'm stressed my veins disappear, so I think I was a bit like "when you give a pill to a cat" and you retrieve it off the curtains and off the back of the couch and from under the bed !!!! that was me, the staff were very patient and finally they managed to get a vein, I woke up with a minor headache and a little bit of shoulder blade soreness none that really wasn't sorted with some Panadol, I did have a sore neck later that night again that went away with just the hot shower, I can't speak for everybody and possibly may even sound stupid but after the treatment I had a snooze for a few hours and  I did feel clearer and even if it was  briefly a spark (excuse the pun) the old me made a breif appearance, yes the sadness came back in the afternoon and I'm sure I will be having a few more treatments but I had nearly forgotten the old me. So will see how things pan out,

[Scrabbling]

Been a while  and still riding the roller coaster.  I  finally re-passed my requirements to get reinstated as an active fire-fighter. What a challenge. Even walking has been hard enough. 

Had a milestone today and turned out for my first fire in over 2 and a half years. And to top it off I was IC

( incident Controller)

Dam it felt good!!

Things are coming to a head with my job and I know this is going to be my trigger point but I just cannot get my head around losing  my job that I gave my heart and soul to.

Anyway hope u are doing ok and thankyou for you support. 

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen,

I'm sorry it's been a few days since you last posted & I missed hearing so much good news last Wednesday.

This will be a Happy Easter for you, then! You have been achieving so much.

Can you talk more about what itis about that job which you loved so much?

I hope to hear from you again soon.

Hugzies

mmMekitty who is giving out Easter mmMarshmallow Bunnies this year. They are bouncy & shed lots of desicated coconut.

[Scrabbling]

My job  28 years in aged care I found I had a wonderful ability to communicate with even the most difficult of residents and could always make them smile.  I was trusted with their most personal  information and I knew each individual. I was a great communicator and staunchly advocated for each 

person.  I earned that respect 

I thrived on stress and always like a pussy-cat cat landed on my feet.

Now I flip out if the printer plays up.

With the recent highs I have achieved  I'm also getting to rock bottom lows Like tonight .

I was always able to fix everybody's problems but i feel at times there seems to be only one way to fix mine.

Like I've said before. 

Like a mouse on a wheel. 

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen

I am proud of your achievements, both in your work in aged care & as a fire-fighter.

I feel confident you will learn to ride the rollercoaster & be able to modify the extreme mood, with the tools & skills you already have.

As you know, it takes time & practice. even recognising when the mood is heading into another high or low, & putting into practice those things you know can help. I'm sure you have heard about getting regular & sufficiant sleep, nutritious meals, exercise, & including things you can do in your daily life which nurture you, relax you & support your needs.

Like now, what do you do when you feel particularly low? What are the things you tell yourself? Do you remind yourself that:

1 This mood doesn't define you

2 This mood won't last forever

3 I can still think & breathe & understand my mood is not me & I am still here, despite everything I've already gone through.

4 I determine what I will do, not this miserable mood.

I saw my miserable moods like storms passing through. For a while all I did was huddle as if to protect myself. Later I learned to watch, just observe them, knowing that they do not last forever, & they do not destroy me. I've learned I don't have to hide away or stop doing everything because a storm is around. I can get up, keep doing my routine things & pause, to get my mind back on track or for crying, or even getting grumpy, then, as these things also are temporary. Then return to what I was doing.

I am also aware of certain thoughts, which are now far back in my mind.  I think those thoughts are my way of telling myself I feel defeated, even though in fact, I am not.

Likewise, I don't see you allowing those thoughts to tell you what to do.

I see a lot of life in you yet.

I think stabilising your moods is still on the agenda. & I'm not much concerned about getting frustrated with the printer. I get that way about my phone & my PC when they aren't doing what I need or supposed to do, or when I lose things & have to search high & low around my flat to find them.  it's okay while I am alone, but if I was amongst people, where there is an expectation that my behaviour won't be upsetting or scary, that's when I need to take a huge deep breath, keep my swearing to a minimum, & make an effort to calm myself. It doesn't help any when I do get upset at these times anyway. So, use my brain.

Hugzies

mmMekitty